Word for the Year

As the new year rolled in I saw many friends and family members sharing their word for the year.  Each was a sort of mantra or affirmation to remind each person of their goals and desires for the coming year.  Words such as simplify, kindness, gratitude, organize, hope, and love are just a few examples of words my friends have chosen to represent this year.  We had mentioned choosing a family mission statement or word for 2019, but when we had our goal setting Family Home Evening we forgot about it (think creating vision boards with three kids... more on that later).  The idea had stuck with me, though, and for a few days I rolled it around in my head, trying to think of a phrase or word that could represent the things I/we want to accomplish this year.

One of my goals is to complete a 30 day yoga journey via a youtube channel called "Yoga with Adrienne" (it's a free channel and she has many wonderful videos of gentle and customizable yoga practices that anyone can follow along with).  This is a challenge she has done on her channel every January for at least the last 3 years.  I did most of last year's 30 days and really enjoyed it, so I decided to try again this year.  Each day has a focus.  The focus for day 2 was "Foundation" the practice was all about building a strong body foundation for safety and health, and strong foundational breathing.  As I followed along I got to thinking, building a strong foundation is exactly what I am trying to accomplish with many of my goals this year.  Through better eating and exercise I am building a better foundation in my body, through more consistent scripture study and temple attendance I am building a stronger foundation for my faith, by building a business and supporting my husband in his business goals I am building a better financial foundation for my family, and so on.  So there I had it, my word for the year, Foundation.  When I shared it with Lawrence he agreed that it was a great word and asked if we could use it as our word for the year for the whole family, I whole heartily agreed to share.

Word cloud created at WordArt.com

I look forward to this year of focussing on building foundations, personally and as a family by working together for gospel learning, education, family togetherness, health, and business.  I look forward to helping my children and husband strengthen their foundations as they support me in my building also.  Here's to a new year, to new experiences, and to building firmer foundations!

Do you choose a word or mantra for your year?  What are your goals?

Including Angels in Christmas

I have often seen newly bereaved parents ask how they can incorporate their angel children into holidays and particularly, Christmas.  Here are just a few ideas

1) We have this poem that belonged to Grandma and Grandad Burt, it sits on our piano at Christmas time:

Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below.
Please wipe away the tear,
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sound of music can’t compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring
For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not so far away we really aren’t apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know how I hold you dear.
And be so glad I’m spending time with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent each of you a memory of my undying love,
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told;
Please love and keep my commandments as my Father said to do,
For I count the blessings of love he has for each one of you.
So have a merry Christmas and wipe away the tear,
Remember I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I love having this as a reminder that Ethne and Thomas are never far and that thy are in the best place they can be at this time of year.  (I can't find an author for this so if anyone knows please tell me).

2) That first Christmas after Ethne died I felt so lost.  This was supposed to be a happy time, but I was so sad and empty.  Mr. E was still so young and, while he was a huge light, it was still so hard.  For my own sanity I decided to say no to all the things, parties, family gatherings, Christmas day visits, I just didn't have it in me.  We needed a way to remember and honor Ethne, while keeping Christmas a happy time for Mr. E, we needed somewhere for the love to go.  So Lawrence suggested that we purchase gifts for her, and donate them.  The first few years we just dropped toys and clothes into donation boxes, but we started adopting a girl, about Ethne's age, off a local angel tree and it feels much more personal.  We try to include grandparents in this, if they are interested, and we also have our living children help with choosing gifts.  It's a small way to help them remember, and to share our extra love with others.  Last year we started including Thomas in this tradition as well.




3) Purchase, hang, or make a tree ornament in memory of your child.  Each year we get ornaments that represent something fun we have done or that represents each member of our family and hang them all on the tree.  It is fun sharing memories each year, and the boys love seeing all their ornaments and hanging them.  We get ornaments for Ethne and Thomas as well.  To remember who each ornament belongs to we mark each one with an initial and the year.

4) Decorate at the cemetery.  Last year I posted on instagram (or facebook, or some other social media) about how we used to get pretty extravagant with decorating Ethne's headstone, and how I was scaling back and keeping it simple.  For some simple works, but or others it is a sincere act of love to go all out decorating a loved-one's headstone or grave for holidays and Christmas in particular.  I say you do you, and don't let anyone tell you that you are wrong.  If a tree with ornaments and lights is right for you, go right ahead, if a simple tinsel garland or nativity does the trick, then leave it at that; and if you find that it changes from one year to the next that's okay too, just do what makes you feel like you have honored your child.

4) Acts of service in their name.  Some people prefer acts of service over gift giving in their child's memory.  Things such as food drives, clothing drives, blood drives, serving meals at a soup kitchen, and so much more are often done in the memory of angels.

5) Monetary donations in a loved one's name are another great way to remember a child.  Donate to a cancer foundation, or a not-for-profit children's hospital, a private school, or a ballet school.  Choose something that was or would have been meaningful to your child and give what you can.

6) Hang a stocking, or other decoration for your child.  My mom made beautiful stockings for each of my children, Ethne and Thomas included, and we hang them every year.

7) We believe in Eternal families, that we will be reunited with Ethne and Thomas after we die, and we will get a chance to raise them when Christ returns.  In order to receive these blessings there are things we must do, and covenants we must keep, so each year we set goals to help us keep our covenants and draw closer to Jesus Christ, who makes it all possible.  Goals like studying our scriptures more diligently, attending the temple more regularly, or memorizing the Articles of Faith.  We write these goals down and place them in Ethne and Thomas's stockings as symbolic gifts to them.  Even if you don't have these same beliefs you can set goals to live a better life by serving those around you, being more patient, loving yourself better, and more and give these as symbolic gifts to your child(ren).


This list is not exhaustive by any means, but it is a place to start.  Please remember that everyone grieves differently and if nothing feels right to you, keep searching for that something that does and never let anyone tell you that you're doing it wrong.  Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself time and space to grieve in what ever ways work for you.  I hope this can give those seeking ways to honor their loved ones this season some ideas and can help bring some peace.

Today I am Thankful

I am thankful for my husband and partner in all things. He works so hard so that I can be able to be at home with our children, he put me and our family first, always.
I am thankful for my busy and encourage-able children who keep me on my toes and make me get out of bed every day.
I am thankful for my mom who has become my best friend, rare is the day that we don’t at least communicate by text.
I am thankful for my dad who taught me what a man should be and spoils me, because I’m his princess.
I am thankful for my brothers, the examples they are to me and my kids.
I am thankful for my amazing in-laws who treat me like one of their own and remind me often that I am their favorite daughter-in-law.
I am thankful for my sisters-in-law, they are everything I had hoped having sisters would be.
I am thankful for my nieces and nephews, they are some of my kids’ best friends, no matter how far apart we’ve been.
I am thankful for our dogs they provide love unconditionally and provide my kiddos with lots of entertainment.
I am thankful for school choice, and homeschooling.  I LOVE getting to see the light bulb moments for my children when they understand something hard, I love watching them learn and grow in every way.  We have our hard moments and days, but the good always outweighs the difficult and makes it all so very worth it.
I am thankful for my musical talents, they uplift me, amuse me, and allow me to make a small income to help provide for our family.
I am thankful for this beautiful earth.
I am thankful for this nation where I can worship how I choose, live where I choose, work (or not) if I choose, and so much more.
I am thankful for books, they teach, they amuse, they uplift; reading is my favorite hobby.
I am thankful for our home, cars, and other possessions.
I am thankful for temples and the eternal covenants I have made in them, because of them I am able to be with the people I love through eternity.
I am thankful for Ethne and the memories I have of her; her contagious giggle, her amazing hugs, her sassy attitude, her friendliness, her silly dances, and most of all her love.
I am thankful for the time I was able to carry Thomas, he is so valiant that he only needed a body, and I was able to provide that.
I am thankful for my Savior, Jesus Christ.  He gave everything for me.  He knows my sorrows, my frustrations, my physical pains, and my joys.  Because of him I will get to hold Ethne and Thomas again.

There is so much I am thankful for, this doesn't even begin to cover it.  So today, and every day, I am thankful.

Mother's Day Milestones

Every woman who has had or wanted to have children anticipates certain milestones in regards to motherhood.  Milestones like those first two pink lines on a pregnancy test, the birth of her first child, that child's first birthday, first steps, first teeth, first words, etc. etc.  These milestones often mark successes and give reason to celebrate, even if it is only a small celebration.

Another milestone many women look forward to is their first Mother's Day.  For me it was an anticipated day, a day to reflect on the things I learned and experienced as a new mom, and how far my baby had come in the months since her birth.  I loved being able to celebrate Mother's Day with my Princess.  The next anticipated Mother's Day was the first after the car accident.  Yes, I was still a mommy, and always will be, but it was difficult to pass the day without Ethne.  I had anticipated a cute craft or scribbled coloring page from her nursery class (a church class for 18 mo-3 years), and maybe a messy breakfast in bed.  But instead I cried for missing my little girl.  There was no scribbled card or handprint craft, no little girl serving me chocolate toast.  It was a hard day.


The next Mother's Day milestone that I anticipated was seeing my kid(s) sing with the Primary in Sacrament Meeting.  In LDS Sunday worship we attend 3 hours of meetings.  The first of these is Sacrament meeting where we sing, pray, partake of the sacrament, and are taught by other members of the congregation.  Often during this meeting there is a special musical number, and it is a tradition of sorts that for Mother's Day the children ages 3-12 will sing special songs about mothers.  This has always been a favorite for me and from a young age I looked forward to the day that my children would join in this tradition.  The second Mother's day after the accident marked the first year that I should have had a child singing for Mother's day.  Instead of being in our own ward we were in Idaho visiting Lawrence's parents, so that eased the sting a little, but it was still hard to realize that I should have had a child singing.

So I waited to celebrate this milestone with Mr. E.

This year I finally got the experience of seeing one of my children sing with the primary for Mother's Day.  Mr. E walked himself up to the podium with the other children, found himself a spot right up front, then wandered away...  We spotted his sweet red head again when one of the older children stopped him and tried to hold him up, he didn't like this, so he was put down, and he wandered some more.  The music director told him to join the rest of the kids, and one of the speakers grabbed him and tried to hold him up again, and it didn't fly.  Finally he found a place up front near the microphone.  Lawrence and I watched this all unfold, anticipating him making a mad dash or grabbing hold of the microphone and yelling into it, while trying not to laugh.  Then they sang.  I don't know if Mr. E actually sang because we couldn't see his mouth, but just seeing him up there, joining in song with the other kids made my mommy heart so happy, almost to bursting.  I cried, happy tears, that I was finally getting to see one of my kids sing, and a little sad, that Ethne wasn't there to sing with them.  Edward got a little turned around when they finished and returned to their families, but he found us quickly and I gave him a great big, teary hug to which he replied "Put me down mommy, I want to color."

Some day I will get to see Ethne sing sweet songs for Mother's Day,  but until then I will revel in my silly, wandering little boy and wait for the days when Baby J will join his big brother to sing in sacrament meeting too.

The longer I'm a mom the more I realize that it is the little things that make the most meaningful memories, and watching my babies sing in church is definitely one of those little things.  I am so thankful for these sweet spirits that I have been trusted to care for and for all the little moments that make being a mommy so incredibly fulfilling.

Little Brother

Dear Baby Brother (I),

Just last week you celebrated your 5th birthday.  You were pretty excited about it and knew just what you wanted... Legos, or more specifically, The Flash legos and super hero legos (I pointed out that they were pretty much the same thing and you rolled your eyes at me).  You were so excited over all your presents, even though the Flash legos weren't among them.

I wonder if you noticed how hard it was for me to watch you do these things that Ethne should have done exactly two months earlier.

I remember well when you joined our family.  You came via foster care and were in sad shape-- your tiny body was bruised and broken, and I am willing to bet that your heart was too.  I was visiting while you stayed in the hospital and Mom spent a lot of time there with you.  Ethne was about 5 months old and was there when you came home.  She was certainly ahead of you in so many ways, but you two seemed to bond as she rolled around and climbed on you while you tried to adapt to your new home.  Then mom broke her toe/foot and we knew that meant you were there to stay, it just took the state a little longer to figure it out.  I watched from afar (mostly) as you healed and grew.




Then we moved to Utah.  That bond that you and Ethne shared in the beginning remained and became stronger as you spent more time together, especially as I student taught and after I went back to work.  You were still behind Ethne, developmentally.  You two were a team against Mom/Grandma-- you'd cause the trouble and Ethne would report.  Those beatings you took as a baby had slowed down your learning and Ethne was running circles around you in verbal skills, gross motor skills, and especially fine motor skills.  She showed you the things she knew, like how to drink from a straw and regular cup, how to use a spoon and fork, and she talked your sweet little ears off.  You watched her carefully, you listened to her stories, and you followed suite (now it's nearly impossible to get you to stop talking).  She was not only your niece, but your best buddy too.  We thought you two would grow up together, be best friends forever, but that was not to be.

I hope that you know that, even though it is sometimes hard for me to see you grow up without her, I love you.  I know that you are meant to complete our family.  You filled a hole that we didn't even really know was there until you had filled it.

I'm so glad Ethne had you there to show her how to get into mischief and make messes.

I'm sorry that she's not around to help you make those messes and to help keep you in check when you try to steal her lunch or do something naughty.

There are days when I just can't muster up the strength to see your smiling face, to count the increasing candles on your birthday cakes, to watch you cross another milestone that Ethne won't get to cross along with you, and days when it is all I can do to not cry as I watch the way you play with Mr. E and Baby J in ways that I imagine she would.  Please forgive me when I can't be there.

I love you, and I think that's why it is sometimes so painful, because I love her too.

Love,
Your big Sister

Rainbow Baby

A rainbow baby, as defined by Urban Dictionary is a baby born after miscarriage or stillbirth, but most angel mommies define this as any baby born following a loss.  It is a reference to rainbows that form after a storm that bear the promise of brighter days ahead.

Baby J is our rainbow baby.

And what a rainbow he has been.




Sometimes there's a storm and then there's some calm when the sun shines and everything seems good, a rainbow even forms, but then the storm rears its ugly head again.  Baby J's arrival was much like that.

During my pregnancy I struggled both physically and emotionally.  My body was still in recovery mode and I hadn't gotten into as good of shape as I should have.  I had pain in my hips, especially my left hip, that made it difficult to sleep, bend, and even walk sometimes.  But worse than the physical pain was the emotional pain.  I struggled to allow this baby into my heart.  I tried, but it was much, much more difficult than I anticipated.  I knew that this baby was meant for us, that he could help at least put a bandage on my broken heart, but it was still so hard to let him do that.  Until he was born.

I remember the first words I said to/about Ethne, I think I even remember what I said to Mr. E.  I am most certain of the first words I said to Baby J, I sang "Bushel and a Peck" to him.  And in that moment I felt Ethne in the room with us.  I knew that she had escorted her brother into the world, and that she was there to help me open myself up to him.  For that moment the constant ache that started when Ethne passed away abated and was replaced with incredible love and joy.  For that moment all three of by babies were, at least in spirit, on this earth and very present, safe, and happy.  It was far to short-lived, but for a few days it was very easy to reflect on that feeling and to allow my sweet new baby into my heart.  This was the eye of our storm and that sacred, special moment was the biggest, brightest rainbow I have ever experienced.





Then they whisked him away.  Ok, it wasn't so much of a whisking as much as a slow process in which the nurses made me feel like an over-protective, clueless, first-time-mom and the doctors made me worry excessively before they finally determined something was very wrong and that my baby needed more specialized care.  The storm had returned.  Now I was left with an aching for my baby that was sick along with the permanent ache of grief for Ethne.  He was blessed, tested, poked, and monitored more times than I can remember.  When he was finally diagnosed a small weight was lifted from my shoulders, the storm lightened a little.  But my baby still had to endure surgery and recover.  Two very long weeks after his birth my Baby J was able to come home.  The storm was over and the rainbow was cast, nearly as bright as the rainbow at his birth.

I am so very much in love with my sweet, happy, and gentle baby boy.  I am so grateful for the experiences we have had with him, the bad and the good.  He is such a special and brave boy that has blessed our family in so many ways.  He is a miracle, in more ways than one, just like a rainbow after a storm.  His smile lights up a room.  His beautiful red hair and blue eyes, just like his sister's, draw everyone he meets in.  I am so very, very thankful for my rainbow baby, not only once, but twice!

Happy birthday, sweet Baby J.  Thank you for being our rainbow!

A Year in Review

My family never sent out an annual Christmas card, and I've yet to get into the habit.  So instead of mailing out a card I'll just write one here.

Our family has had one heck of a year with a new baby, surgeries, broken bones, and lots of new adventures.  Here's a little of what we've been up to.

This year started out with a scary diagnosis of Hirschprung's Disease for our newest addition, Baby J.  Before the diagnosis we knew nothing of this disease, but now I'd say that we know quite a bit and continue to learn more every day.  Baby J had a surgery to allow his intestines time to heal and his little body time to grow with a colostomy before he was given a pull-through surgery to allow his body to function in a more normal manner.  Since coming home from the NICU Baby J has been growing non-stop.  He is by far our chubbiest baby and we don't mind one bit.  He has such a fun personality!  He enjoys reading, playing, eating, and singing, but (unless he's tired or it's bed time) he isn't a super snuggle bug.  He sports the same red hair and blue eyes as his sister and has been a wonderful addition to our little family.






Mr. E has had a big year too.  This year he passed his sister in age and turned 3 and also got potty trained!  With the addition of Baby J he became a big brother, something he struggled with in the beginning, but is really coming into the roll well now.  He enjoys helping with Baby J, and sometimes tries to be another parent to him.  He has really enjoyed nursery and started going to a preschool group with some other kids in our neighborhood.  He loves school and asks to go every week.  He is looking forward to Sunbeams next year (I can't believe I will finally have a Sunbeam!) and already knows many primary songs.  His best buddies are his uncles, G and I, but he also has friends in preschool and nursery that he likes to play with.  Mr. E loves to swim, play games, read stories, snuggle, and be outside.  He enjoys visiting Ethne at the cemetery, but I think that's mostly because he usually gets to play at the park afterwards.  He loves anything furry, to the point of near abuse, and we wonder why our dog is always so happy to see him in the morning.  This boy sure keeps us on our toes with his quick wit and goofy imagination and we love every minute of it!

Lawrence keeps busy managing a Payless Shoe store.  He also plays with a band, Rythym Junction.  They released a CD this spring (you can find it on Amazon and iTunes) and are currently working on recording another one to be released some time next year.  He also still plays with the community symphony and other free-lance gigs when his schedule allows.  He enjoys his calling as a primary teacher, teaching the 7-8 year-olds and attending their baptisms.




I have had a busy year, keeping up with two crazy boys and our dog.  I started the year with a good number of flute students, but they all fell away during the summer.  At the end of the summer I had a small disagreement with a baby gate and some stairs and broke my right arm--it is healed and I am working on getting full range of motion back, but rest assured that I can play my flute.  When school started back up a local high school teacher recruited me to help with an army of sophomore flute players that descended on his band program this year--17 of them, in one class!  We split them up into two flute choirs and are preparing for their first concert coming up in a couple weeks.  It has been fun to be in a classroom again and working with these talented young women.  I also recently started a new blog of tips and resources for musicians and music teachers.  In October I took on the task of teaching Mr. E's preschool group and hosted a Halloween party for the cute kiddos and their mommies.  Somehow I have lucked-out and both boys take a long afternoon nap at the same time that gives me time to clean, sew, craft, blog, or sometimes even sleep!  I am so grateful for my husband who supports our family so I can be home to raise our boys, I definitely got the better end of that deal.

I am certain that Ethne continues to watch over us.  There are times when I can feel her presence very strongly.  For her birthday this year we invited friends, family, and strangers to participate in 5 acts of service in her memory.  It was a busy day and we could certainly feel the love of Ethne and of others as they participated in our challenge.

It has been a busy and productive year for all of us and we look forward to all the next year will bring.  We hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas and New year!

Their acts of love

While we were busy showing love to others by serving and giving others were busy serving and giving to us.  We were recipients of 5 acts of service from others yesterday.

1.  When I started backing out of my garage to deliver freezer meals in the morning I looked in my mirror to find a car in my driveway.  It was a dark grey color so my first thought was that it was our second car, but I quickly realized that Lawrence was at work and therefore it could not be our car.  I put my SUV in park and got out to find a couple neighbors with a small veggie tray for me.  They also delivered yummy veggies to some others they thought would use a pick-me-up.  We hugged, chatted, and went on our own ways.  The veggies were super yummy and really hit the spot both yesterday as a snack and today with lunch.  Thank you!!


2.  When I got home from the freezer meal delivery I found lovely flowers on my doorstep from my visiting teachers.  They brightened my day and now brighten my kitchen.  Thank you, ladies, for thinking of me and my family!















3.  UPS pulled up in front of our house and delivered a book about life after losing a loved one.  My maternal grandmother sent it to me, I knew it was coming, but not when.  I found it appropriate that it was delivered on Ethne's birthday.  Thank you Grandma!






4.  While I was busy frosting Ethne's cupcakes I heard some voices outside my front door.  I chose to ignore them until my over-protective dog (not that she's threatening at all) herd them and started barking rather hysterically.  I tried to shush her, to no avail.  I peeked throughout the window at the top of my front door to spot hands busily taping hearts to our storm door.  I chose to leave them to their work and I returned to my cupcakes.  I don't know who "heart attacked" us, but I just love it and plan to leave the hearts on the door for the time being.  Every time I see them it makes me smile.  Thank you, whoever you are!








5.  We were a little lackadaisical about finding a babysitter for our temple visit.  I tried a cousin, but she had to work, I asked about young women in our ward, but it was mutual night with a meeting about trek, my parents were coming to the temple with us, J&J had to work-- nothing was working out.  So I started calling friends and neighbors.  Our lovely backyard neighbors were graciously willing to watch our boys for us.  They are awesome neighbors and great friends.  They watched our boys, weren't upset that we wound up in a later session than we intended to go to, and even took in our crazy dog that escaped our yard (our fence is rather ineffective at the moment) to check on the boys (like I said, over-protective).  Thank you so much, it really meant a lot that you disrupted your evening so we could go to the temple!

our not so threatening dog

Thank you everyone for your service and especially to those who served us, it really meant a lot that you were thinking of us and helping make Ethne's birthday special and that much sweeter for us.

Our acts of love

We issued the challenge, so it is only fair that we follow through and participate in it too.  We performed 5 acts of love to celebrate for our princess.  It made the day one of goodness and sharing rather than of sadness and mourning.  These acts of service and love helped us feel Ethne close to us and made a hard day much easier.  So here's what we did:

1.  Considering that Ethne's birthday falls on Veterans' day (a U.S. holiday to celebrate and thank all those who serve and have served in the armed forces) we thought it would be appropriate to do something for the troops.  I heard about an organization that sends care packages to those serving abroad and thought that would be a great way to go.  This organization collects leftover Halloween candy and puts it into care packages for the service men and women.  They also request hygiene items such as toothbrushes, toothpaste, floss, mouthwash, etc. along with the packages of candy.  So we gathered up our leftover candy, the majority of Mr. E's stash, and the traded candy from my younger brothers (they got legos instead) to make a total of 12.5 pounds of candy!  Then I added some dental floss and some mouthwash strips (those Listerine things that clear your sinuses for a week), packaged it all up and sent it off on Monday.  Added bonus-- we don't have all that candy sitting around to hinder our efforts to eat healthier.

2.  If you read this blog regularly then you know about little Ethan who recently passed away after a very long battle with Leukemia.  What you may not know is that his sweet mom is pregnant with baby #7 and is due at the end of the month.  I remember what it was like after Ethne passed (granted our situations are different).  There were days, especially after the help quit coming, that I just didn't want to get out of bed, much less think about making dinner.  I knew that my family needed to eat, but when you are grieving it is sometimes difficult to even think about the necessities.  Those were the days that I was most grateful for my sweet aunts, grandmother, and mother who had gotten together shortly after the accident and made me a whole bunch of freezer meals-- I had so many that there wasn't room in my freezer for them all and I had to store some at my parents' house.  I also very recently had a baby and remember well the exhaustion and busyness of a new baby.  Pair the two together and I'm not sure what I would have done.  With all this in mind I got to work and put together a handful of freezer meals for Ethan's family.  It really didn't take me long to get them all together, but I'm sure it will save Ethan's mom lots of time in the future when she is too tired to even think.  I dropped those off to her yesterday morning.  We were able to have a nice, short talk and give each other a hug that said more than any dinners ever could.  I am so grateful to know Ethan and his family and so thankful that I had the opportunity to help them in this small way.

3.  This is something I do kind of regularly, but it has been a few months since the last time I have done it and we thought it very appropriate to take bracelet sets up to Primary Children's on Ethne's birthday.

4.  This is another something that Lawrence and I do regularly, and have done every year on Ethne's birthday since she passed away, but still, it is service, and some of the best service we can give.  Shortly after Ethne's passing we determined to make her birthday a day to celebrate out eternal family rather than a day to be sad.  Yes we miss Ethne terribly, and days like her birthday can be more difficult than other days, but we try.  We gather as much of our family as we can and go participate in an endowment session at the temple.  We also encourage our family that is far away to participate in their nearest temple.  The temple is one of the places we can feel Ethne's spirit best, so we especially feel it is an appropriate place to go on her birthday.  We also know that we are helping others who have passed before us and that we are helping Ethne as she is teaching and serving others on the other side of the veil (to learn more about LDS temples just click).  This year we were able to attend with my (Melissa's) parents and paternal grandmother.  We were sad that more weren't able to attend with us, but understood that work schedules can be hard to get around.  The session was made sweeter when my sister, Jessica's, brother and his wife were also in attendance and Lawrence's dad's cousin and her husband were also there.  It was really neat to see extra friends and family there, even if they didn't really know the significance of the day for us.

5.  Last, but certainly not least, we purchased gifts that we would have given Ethne and donated them
to the Road Home in Salt Lake.  I probably should have planned a little better as this didn't go over quite the way I had hoped for it to, but it was good nonetheless.  We purchased an outfit, a couple toys, and also took a bracelet set.  We hope that the girl(s) who receive these items can feel as loved and as special as Ethne is to us.

We took our boys along with us on all of these projects, except for the temple, and I hope that they can see us serving others and learn to serve as well.  We did make sure that Mr. E knew we were going to the temple and why we were going, he really wanted to go with us so we promised him that he could go when he is older and that we would take him to walk around the temple soon.

One last note:  I cannot take full credit for this challenge.  Several months ago my mom saw someone ask for acts of service for their birthday.  She called me and suggested that we try the same kind of thing for Ethne's birthday.  I'll admit that I had been thinking about our family doing service on her birthday this year, but I hadn't thought about inviting others to join us.  So I just have to say thank you to my mom for the suggestion, it really turned out well!

P.S. This is an official heads up, start planning 6 acts of service for next year.

Birthday Wishes

Here are some of the acts of service some of our friends and family have participated in to honor Ethne:

We are doing operation Christmas child through Samaritan's Purse for 1 boy and 1 girl ages 5-9. In honor of Ethne. Love you guys!♡

I didn't do anything very special, but I did rescue a dog who was wandering around the streets, bring it home and then find his owners and return him. I also babysat for a couple who are pregnant- I didn't accept payment. They needed a date before the new baby came. I unplugged a single mom's sink, and I sent out a card to my aunt for thanksgiving. My last act of service, today, is smiling. I'm going to smile at everyone I see today. :)

Hello :)

We all really thought a lot about what we wanted to do for service.  We all came up with something that we felt made us think of Ethne and something that would carry her sweet spirit beyond just today.

We decided to make bracelets that will be donated to Shade Tree (battered women and children's shelter) and Child Haven.  When children are removed from their homes (for various reasons) these bracelets are given to them by police officers, fire fighters, and Child Protective Services.  The bracelets are something they can call their own and something that brightens their day.  We will also be donating some to the troops to pass out to children who are victims of bombings in war torn countries.  Our goal was for each of us to make 5 tonight for Family Home Evening.  It was such a great night with an amazing spirit!! The kids loved it and I had to force them to stop and go to bed.  We have 30 bracelets and the kids think they can easily double that number tomorrow.  Thanks for giving us the inspiration we needed to get the service ball rolling!!  I know the bracelets will be loved!!

I have a lady in my neighborhood that needs childcare, but can't pay for it. I am a licensed in-home daycare provider. I am providing her with free child care for 3 months in honor of your Ethne

We think of Ethne many times and in many different ways but it has been special to think of her as I have helped the missionaries with special tasks and concerns the last few days and today.  I won't list them but now I will always think of Ethne in connection with service, helping others.  Ethne will always have a special place in our family and we look forward to being with her again.  I like to think that she is able to be with us at special times.  

And a few blogs:

http://elizasownlittleworld.blogspot.com/2014/11/on-this-very-special-day.html

http://mylife-plana.blogspot.com/2014/11/a-day-for-remembering.html

http://kathrynlesliestone.blogspot.com/2014/11/a-special-day-of-remembrance.html

More tomorrow.

Ethne's 5th

With Ethne's birthday fast approaching I would like to make a request.  Each birthday that we miss we have felt a hole.  We miss buying presents and throwing a party for our Princess.  We visit the cemetery, have cake and ice cream, and send her balloons, but without her smiling face and happy hugs it's just not the same.

Ethne loved everyone and loved to show people how she loved them.  So with this in mind we would like to ask a favor.  In order to better celebrate Ethne's 5th birthday, and to better feel her presence we would like to invite anyone who would like to participate to preform 5 acts of service in the week leading up to and on her birthday, November 11.

We will be serving also and will make a post about it after her birthday.  We would love to share your stories too.  So, if you feel so inclined as to participate in our week of birthday service please take pictures and email us with your stories and we will share them too.  lmeestone@gmail.com  Thank you for helping us make this birthday for Ethne an Ethne kind of day by showing love to those around you!

Yesterday and Today

A week ago I asked for help with a semi-secret project and I'd like to now share that project.  A week ago is when we found out about Ethan and his prognosis.  About a week before that my mom asked me to help her contact people and ask them to help us shower Ethan with birthday cards.  When we learned that his time was limited we knew we had to act quickly.  So we both posted to Facebook (blocking his parents and other family from seeing the posts) and asked for birthday cards to be sent to us to deliver to Ethan.  Over the weekend I collected several cards which we delivered on Sunday.  Over the next few days I collected even more cards, about two dozen that I took to Ethan on Wednesday so he would have them for his birthday celebration on Thursday.  I'm am happy to report that the cards continue to roll in and I will continue to deliver them as long as they keep coming.  I feel blessed to be able to help in this smallest of ways and to make these days just the tiniest bit brighter for Ethan and his wonderful family.

The story has gone national!

http://www.today.com/video/today/56292584#56292584

See his birthday celebration here (make sure to watch all 4 videos):

http://www.ksl.com/index.php?sid=32074766&nid=147&title=utahns-celebrate-holidays-with-terminally-ill-boy-for-the-last-time&fm=home_page&s_cid=topstory

Helping Ethan

A sweet boy heard about Ethan, here's what he is doing for him

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=32064511#hCVoLLej9qDTFw6O.01

If you'd like to know how to help Ethan and his family you can go here:

https://www.facebook.com/fundraiserforethan

or here:

http://www.gofundme.com/ethanourhero

A Little Early Halloween

Little Ethan is nearing the end of his battle.  He has been given 2-8 weeks.  No matter when he finishes his mortal fight it will be far too early.  But his family and neighbors are doing what they can to help make these some of the best days by helping him and his family celebrate his life.  A local news channel found out about it and are doing a series of stories about Ethan and his amazing friends and neighbors as they celebrate Ethan and his favorite holidays this week.  Here's the first of the stories:

http://www.ksl.com/?sid=32047963&nid=#ijxrWTzjUCQ7P2si.01

In His time

Apparently I have to keep learning this lesson, that things I want/need happen in the Lord's time and not necessarily in my time.

After high school and upon starting college I was anxious to get married and start a family of my own.  I dated quite a bit and was even engaged at one time, but that didn't work out and I was incredibly disappointed at the time.  But had that worked out I wouldn't have met Lawrence and we wouldn't have the beautiful family we have now.  Marriage didn't work out exactly when I wanted it to, but when I needed it to, and with the person that I need(ed) in my life.  The Lord knew this even though I didn't.  I am beyond grateful for Lawrence and our temple marriage.  He is a hard working provider, a wonderful father, and my best friend.

G and I wrestling

Growing up I was happy with my one brother, but I always thought it would have been fun to have more siblings.  My parents considered adoption when I was younger, but it never felt right to them.  It was finally right when I was a junior in high school and about 18 months later our family was blessed with my brother G.  He is such a great example to my kids and a really proud uncle.  Then they did foster care and went through a handful of children who were eventually reunited with their biological families until I came into our lives.  He is a happy, busy (super, extra busy) boy who fits right in and loves my babies too.  I is also a little younger than Ethne and I'm sure my parents had always thought that their kids would be older than their grandkids, but both Ethne and I joined our family when they were meant to.

When I was pregnant with Ethne my mom found out that she had a tumor on her pituitary gland and would have to have it removed.  Travel was difficult, she was sick, and I was scared and a little helpless to do anything for her.  Ethne was born four days before her due date.  This allowed my parents to come see her and us to visit my parents for Thanksgiving, before my mom had to have her surgery.  It was such a blessing to me to be able to see my mom and for my baby to meet her Grandma.  My mom is fine now and the tumor was benign, but that was a scary time for all of us.  Ethne's birth allowed us time together and gave us something else to think about when we were all consumed with worry about my mom.

Through my entire pregnancy with Baby J I was certain he would come early.  Both my other two were early, so this boded well for me.  I was determined that he would be born before Christmas.  The last month or so I was done.  I was tired, sore, big, and beyond ready to have this baby.  It had been the most difficult of my three pregnancies with some morning sickness, soreness that I hadn't had before, and I was also battling with emotions that I hadn't experienced before.  I prayed that he would come so I could be more comfortable and have less pain.  So when contractions started coming pretty regularly on Dec. 21 I was thrilled.  But it wasn't to be.  After going to the hospital twice in 24 hours only to make very little progress and have the contractions stop, my hopes were dashed all over the floor.  Little did I know that this was a blessing in disguise.  Five days later, on the 26, my water broke and the contractions were unmistakable, Baby J made his entrance.  I was excited to spend as little time in the hospital as possible and take my late Christmas present home to his brother.  But you know how well that worked out.  Again, I was beyond disappointed that my baby was sick and wouldn't be coming home on my schedule.  It was also frustrating to sit around the hospital and wait for the holiday lag to pass so we could get tests done and find out results so we could know what was wrong with our baby.  Had Baby J been born much earlier we would be paying a lot more for his surgeries and hospital stays, also if he had been diagnosed sooner.  Our insurance last year wasn't the best, but it covered enough for the last 4 days of last year that we weren't left with too many out of pocket expenses.  Our insurance that kicked in on January 1 had a reasonable deductible and not too bad of an out of pocket max (both of which we have met).  Had Baby J been diagnosed sooner the other insurance had a higher deductible and no OOPM.  While it meant that I was uncomfortable a few days longer than I really wanted to be Baby J came just when the Lord needed him to come.  Even though there have been a lot of bumps along the way, I'm glad he came when he did and thankful that someone who can see the grand scheme of things knew when his arrival would be best for our family.

I'm sure that I will continue to be taught this lesson, and I will continue to look for the blessings that come from things happening in the Lord's time and not always in mine.

3 - 36

Sorry I've been MIA the last little while, I have been struggling with what to post.  But this post practically wrote itself...

I have been in unfamiliar territory for a few months now, Mr. E passed his sister in age last fall.  But with his birthday here it has become more real.  He is such a sweet, fun boy.  He is doing so many things that make me smile... and others that make me want to pull my hair out.  Since 3 years equals 36 months here's 36 fun things about my big boy.

1. He is all boy!  Guns, swords, cars, trains, outside, superheroes, and busy--boy!
2. He loves to splash in the water, be it the pool or the tub.
3. He can get dressed all by himself.  Sometimes he puts his shirts on upside down, or his pants on backwards, but given another chance he will get it right.
4. Mr. E is mostly potty trained.
5. He gets his shoes on the right feet, without any help the majority of the time.
6. Mr. E loves to read stories.  He reads to himself, but really loves it when mommy or daddy read to him.  Curious George is his favorite.
7. He loves his brother.  Most of the time he plays around Baby J, but there are moments when Mr. E is very sweet to him and they just melt my heart.
8. He speaks very well.  He has lots of words and uses them well, sometimes a little too well.
9. Even though he is a busy boy he likes to snuggle.  He loves one-on-one time with mommy or daddy and snuggles are often what he wants most when he gets it.
10. His favorite movie is a little fluid, but he always goes back to Despicable Me.
11. He does and awesome Bugs Bunny impression.
12. Mr. E is allergic to chocolate and has some kind of dairy intolerance.  We are hopeful he will grow out of this.
13. Mr. E loves to sing.  We sing songs when he lays down for nap time and bedtime and he often sings along, he can also be heard singing while he plays.


14. Mr. E loves nursery.  He gets excited to go to nursery every time he sees us in church clothes-- it's hard to dash his hopes when it's not Sunday.

15. He loves to help me in the kitchen.  He will often grab and chair and bring it to the counter so he can help me make dinner, cake, cookies, etc.
16. He loves chicken.
17. Mr. E enjoys watching tv.  He loves Phineas and Ferb, Mickey Mouse, and Bugs Bunny, among others.
18. Mr. E enjoys doing puzzles and is very good at them.
19. He loves to count and can count to 12 all by himself and 20 with a little help.
20. He doesn't like his hands to be dirty.  If they get messy he stops what he is doing and runs to wash them.
21. He can be very independent and likes to do many things by himself, but every so often he gets it into his head that he needs help with something and it's hard to get him to change his mind.
22. He can be very stubborn (see above).
23. When he gets stuck or sees that someone needs help he calls for "Toodles" to bring a mouseketool to help (Mickey Mouse Clubhouse).
24. He likes to tease.  When Lawrence comes home after he's in bed he hides from Lawrence when he goes to kiss him good night.
25. He still likes to play with my hair.
26. Mr. E loves his Ginger puppy.
27. He thinks the Disney castle is a temple.
28. His favorite treat at the moment is marshmallows.
29. Despite his issues with dairy, he loves cheese.
30. He loves to play with his uncles, they are his best friends.
31. He calls popsicles ice cream.
32. He barks at the vacuum.
33. He likes to tell us what to do, that doesn't mean that we do it, but he still likes to try.
34. Mr. E is a lip kisser.  We don't know where he picked it up, but he kisses everyone on the lips.  If you try to kiss him goodbye or goodnight anywhere else he will grab your face and make you kiss him on the lips.
35. He loves kitties, really he likes just about any animal.
36. He hates anything tomato.

He is a sweet, smart, talented, loving boy and we wouldn't trade him for anything.  Happy birthday, Mr. E!!  We love
you so much!

Memorial Day 2014

This Memorial Day has left me a little more reflective than others have.  Just under a week ago my grandfather passed away and his funeral is tomorrow.  While I haven't had the best relationship with him in a long time, he is still a member of my family and I still care about him.  I hope that he has found some peace.  I know that he is with many loved ones, including my precious angel.  I know that he is now learning from his mistakes and is being given a chance to repent and make better choices.  I feel that Ethne is helping him do this.

I am trying to teach Mr. E to respect the cemetery and those who rest there, but it's hard to listen and to watch your feet when you are a busy little boy.  He will learn.  For now he gets to pick out flowers and take them to his sister, then run around some (while we try to stop him from running over headstones).






I still love that the cemetery puts up over 100 flags for veterans on this day of remembering.  They are so beautiful and the sound of them waving in the wind is calming and mesmerizing.

This tree was planted in the park next to the cemetery, by my family, for Ethne's 3 birthday, her first after the accident.  It continues to reach up to heaven and reminds us to do the same.  I hope that, no matter where I am, I can always remember this.  I hope that I can always honor those who have gone on before me by carrying on their legacy and can always be found reaching for heaven.

When the Holidays Hurt

Another angel mommy shared this video on facebook today and I thought I would pass it on.  Steve Andrus is the wonderful man who led the grief group Lawrence and I participated in just over a year ago.  He really helped us work through some of our grief and how to manage it together.

The Most Wonderful Time

And also one of the hardest times.  While Nov. 11 and Feb. 6 will always be the most difficult days of the year the holiday season presents its own difficulties.  Family parties, presents, decorations and everything are fun, but also provide many reminders of what, or rather who, is missing.  We still buy her a special ornament and we hang her stocking, but she is not physically present for us to see her joy and excitement over these things.  We still buy a present or two for her, but instead of wrapping them and placing them under the tree we donate them to a child in need.

But despite the efforts we make to include her and her spirit of love it is still hard.  Hard not to have her here and experience the joy of the season with her.  Hard not to take her to see Santa and get a picture of her screaming from his lap, or giving him a hug.  It is hard to not see her standing with the sweet primary children as they sing in sacrament meeting about the baby Jesus.  It is hard not to have her in a dance program like her cousin, where we can Oo and awe over how cute she looks in a tutu or mouse costume, even though she doesn't really know the steps.  It is hard not to be buying her a pretty princess dress for Christmas.  And it is hard not to see her toting around the snowman decoration and snuggling with it, even though it really isn't soft at all.

But through all the hard things there are tender mercies.  Family joining us as we give her a different kind of gift, gifts of goals to help us draw closer to her and to our Savior.  Precious memories of the three Christmases we did get to spend with her.  A little elf that bears her initials here to remind Mr. E (and the rest of us) to be good and to create a little mischief along the way.  New memories to be created with Mr. E and BB now and in the future.  And the hope, faith, and knowledge that, because of the first Christmas, and our infinite and loving Savior, we will get to celebrate with her again.