Little Brother

Dear Baby Brother (I),

Just last week you celebrated your 5th birthday.  You were pretty excited about it and knew just what you wanted... Legos, or more specifically, The Flash legos and super hero legos (I pointed out that they were pretty much the same thing and you rolled your eyes at me).  You were so excited over all your presents, even though the Flash legos weren't among them.

I wonder if you noticed how hard it was for me to watch you do these things that Ethne should have done exactly two months earlier.

I remember well when you joined our family.  You came via foster care and were in sad shape-- your tiny body was bruised and broken, and I am willing to bet that your heart was too.  I was visiting while you stayed in the hospital and Mom spent a lot of time there with you.  Ethne was about 5 months old and was there when you came home.  She was certainly ahead of you in so many ways, but you two seemed to bond as she rolled around and climbed on you while you tried to adapt to your new home.  Then mom broke her toe/foot and we knew that meant you were there to stay, it just took the state a little longer to figure it out.  I watched from afar (mostly) as you healed and grew.




Then we moved to Utah.  That bond that you and Ethne shared in the beginning remained and became stronger as you spent more time together, especially as I student taught and after I went back to work.  You were still behind Ethne, developmentally.  You two were a team against Mom/Grandma-- you'd cause the trouble and Ethne would report.  Those beatings you took as a baby had slowed down your learning and Ethne was running circles around you in verbal skills, gross motor skills, and especially fine motor skills.  She showed you the things she knew, like how to drink from a straw and regular cup, how to use a spoon and fork, and she talked your sweet little ears off.  You watched her carefully, you listened to her stories, and you followed suite (now it's nearly impossible to get you to stop talking).  She was not only your niece, but your best buddy too.  We thought you two would grow up together, be best friends forever, but that was not to be.

I hope that you know that, even though it is sometimes hard for me to see you grow up without her, I love you.  I know that you are meant to complete our family.  You filled a hole that we didn't even really know was there until you had filled it.

I'm so glad Ethne had you there to show her how to get into mischief and make messes.

I'm sorry that she's not around to help you make those messes and to help keep you in check when you try to steal her lunch or do something naughty.

There are days when I just can't muster up the strength to see your smiling face, to count the increasing candles on your birthday cakes, to watch you cross another milestone that Ethne won't get to cross along with you, and days when it is all I can do to not cry as I watch the way you play with Mr. E and Baby J in ways that I imagine she would.  Please forgive me when I can't be there.

I love you, and I think that's why it is sometimes so painful, because I love her too.

Love,
Your big Sister