Bowel Management (part 2)

⚠️ WARNING ⚠️ this post is about poop, or rather teaching a child how to do it, and keeping him clean and healthy. If you’re squeamish at all please skip this post. This post is not meant to provide medical advice in any way, shape, or form; it is merely a documentation of our experiences and meant to serve as support for other families in similar situations. If your child has severe issues with bowel movements, tummy troubles, urination, or other elimination for any reason please seek medical advice.

4 months after starting bowel management we had a follow-up appointment, at which they told us to continue daily enemas for a whole year.  This was not what I was expecting/hoping to hear.  Not going to lie, I cried about it.  The enemas were hard on Mr. J, on me, and on the rest of our family.  We had to be home by a certain time each night to do them.  We had to re-arrange events and schedules or administer the enema early.  If we didn't make special arrangements Mr. J got violently sick, which was even less fun.  we were 8-ish months in when I decided mornings would be easier because we rarely have anywhere to be in the mornings.

After about a year of the enemas Mr. J asked me when he would be done with his "washouts."  He was noticing that he was different and I wouldn't be surprised if he was also noticing the stress it was causing me as well; he's a perceptive boy.  When we had a travel mishap with his catheter I reached the end of my rope and called the colorectal clinic to ask about the next step, it took them 6 weeks to get us in.

When the appointment finally arrived we went through the usual x-rays, paperwork, and interview with the nurse.  They agreed that it was a good time to move-on in the process.  We were prescribed 2 squares of chocolate x-lax each evening and 1 tablespoon of pectin three times a day.  The next week was daily x-rays and phone calls to make sure everything was working the way it needed to.

Here's where we started to go off book.

I tried everything they suggested to get Mr. J to take the pectin.  I mixed it with water for him to drink, I mixed it with juice, I mixed it in applesauce, used a dosing syringe to give it to him straight, in yogurt, on sandwiches, and smoothies.  I asked for more suggestions from other parents and came up empty.  Mr. J said that the pectin made everything "taste slimy" no matter how much I diluted it or what I mixed it in.  To compound the problem, any time he had the pectin at night he vomited in the morning.  Add to the pectin issues his complaints of tummy aches starting 30-60 minutes after having his laxative made me sad.  I reduced his dose to 1.5 squares after consulting with the nurse, but we still struggled with the pectin.  I tried working up to the correct dosage, but Mr. J refused to eat anything he even suspected I had put pectin in.  So I gave up.  He was still taking the ex-lax, but had had lost any control he had had of his bowels.  He was back in pull-ups full-time, and going through 3 or more most days.  So I cut his ex-lax to one square per day.  This helped some, but he was still smearing through the day and getting an even bigger mess at night.

At this point we worked it out that he would go to the bathroom every morning before breakfast followed by a rinse in the shower because he's just too big for me to be wiping him.  Unfortunately this whole process was taking nearly as long as the enemas did.  Equally unfortunate were the times when he had larger accidents during the day and had to be changed like a baby.  It was during one of these that he tearfully asked me when he could wear big boy underwear again.  It broke my heart to see him so sad and feel so broken.  I was determined to find a way to get him what he wanted.

This is where we are now.  Mr. J is completely off the ex-lax and we are taking it one day at a time.  If ever he goes a day without pooping He gets a square.  More than one day and he gets an enema.  He is still struggling with control, but it isn't as bad as it was.  He is still in pull-ups full time but sometimes makes it through a day without an accident or smear.  He's not in big boy underwear yet, but we are working towards it and are closer than we were even a month ago.

Stay tuned for another update in a few months. :D

I Have an Oil for That!

Sorry its been a minute since I posted!  February got super crazy and ran away from me faster than the gingerbread man!  You may have noticed a lot of changes around here lately. I want to share about one big one.

A few years ago I met an amazing woman named Candy.  Candy was married to a friend of ours from college and they came to our house for a New Years Eve party with some other college friends.  Towards the end of the party Candy gave each of us sample bottles of wild orange essential oil (which smelled so good!).  Soon after the party Candy sent me a text to tell me how much they had enjoyed the party.  Later she asked if I would be interested in learning more about essential oils.  I thanked her, but turned her down, I was mildly intrigued, but also skeptical; I had used a few essential oils here and there, but never consistently.  She took my rejection in kind and we remained friends.

Fast forward a few months, a different friend threw me a baby shower for Princess A.  It was so sweet and thoughtful.  We made hair bows, had treats, and enjoyed adult company.  Among the gifts I received was a keychain filled with sample bottles of essential oils to help with baby care.  I used some of them, and my curiosity started to grow.  I dabbled in a few more essential oils and started to see some benefits.

I saw Candy several more times and when I was finally ready to learn more about essential oils (about two years later) she was there.  I agreed to host a class, but no one else came, so Candy and I talked and I decided to give them a try.

I was nervous and excited when my box came.  I started trying some right away.  Lavender to help the kids sleep, a respiratory blend for Lawrence's snoring, lemon to get me drinking more water, a protective blend to help boost our immune systems (mostly when we were already sick), a soothing blend for sore muscles... You get the point.  The more consistently I used the oils the better our results were.  I started learning about the benefits of other oils so I tried more.  Lawrence saw the benefits and got on board pretty quickly too.  Then he suggested that I consider becoming a DoTERRA wellness advocate.

I scoffed at the idea.  I struggle with social anxiety.  I have turned down a lot of other similar opportunities in the past, It just wasn't something I was interested in, at the time.  Then I helped Candy run a booth at the Parade of Homes in Utah County.  It was easy to share experiences with people, to share the simplest benefits with them.  Then I met Holly, who is on Candy's team.  She shared a bit more about being a wellness advocate with me.  I considered it over about a week, and decided that I want to help other people in the way that Candy helped me.  I want to share ways to live a cleaner, healthier life with others.  I want to help other moms feel empowered, the way I had felt, when their kids were sick at night after the doctor's office is closed, or itchy with a rash, or got a giant goose egg from a run-in with a wall.  I want to help other wives soothe their husbands after a long day at work (or the other way around).  I also want to help my family achieve our goals, to be able to take vacations together and remain debt free.  So I chose to build.

Just in case you haven't noticed, I've been sharing links for Essential oils that we have used with great results.  If you make a purchase through any of those links I get a small commission.  If you are at all curious about essential oils and what they could do for you and your family, please ask, I would love to share with you!  If you love essential oils and want to learn more about how to share them and help those you love, I would be happy to help with that as well.  Do I think essential oils can cure everything, and fix all the world's problems?  Probably not.  But I do think that they can (and do) help with many, many things. Do I still take my kids to the doctor when necessary? You bet I do, but you can also bet that I have tried all my tools, within reason.  I can say that I have certainly been able to save myself a few doctor visits with oils, and spared my kids (especially Mr. J) from antibiotics that can really mess with their little guts.  I can say that essential oils have saved my sanity on more than one occasion.  So keep your eyes out for some shares and a new tab on the blog about the oils we love, why we love them, and how you can get your hands on them!  I am so excited to share with you!

Language Arts curriculum, second grade

Mr. E is in second(ish) grade this year! I am really loving our LA curriculum, that I mashed together from several sources, so I thought I’d share what we’ve been using. *These are my honest opinions and I am not receiving any kind of compensation for reviewing and/or sharing any of these products, this is just for my records and to be helpful/informative to anyone looking for some great resources.*

I wanted to really try and follow Mr. E’s lead and give him things that would interest him and help him grow.  He has become a pretty strong reader, but I noticed he was struggling with certain phonics concepts, and with comprehension. So I went on a hunt for resources to help with comprehension, with a goal in mind to work extra hard on the phonics concepts he was struggling with.  How excited was I when I stumbled across this set of phonics based reading fluency AND comprehension passages!   I love that I can choose which phonics concept he needs to work on and only print out those specific passages.  The print is large and they are short, sweet, and to the point with LOTS of practice at the focused concept packed into each one. He likes that there’s only a few questions that are usually pretty easy to answer. We try and do one each week, he reads it aloud three times and usually answers one question with each reading.  I can already see a difference in his reading fluency, especially as it pertains to the phonics concepts we’ve been working to improve, and in his comprehension.  He is retelling stories better, understanding what he is reading better, and beginning to make some surprising inferences and conclusions.  Along with reading these passages we read lots of books. I read aloud with the kids in many different ways, they have free-reading time each day, and Mr. E and I have reading time together, in a book that’s he has chosen, sometimes curriculum related, sometimes not. Mr. E enjoys lots of picture books, but is also reading simple chapter books such as the Fly Guy series, the Magic Treehouse series, the Axel and Beast series, and anything else that strikes his fancy. Currently he is mostly interested in fiction, but I’m hoping to find some non-fiction he enjoys soon.

Last year we tried journaling, and while Mr. E seemed to enjoy it, it stressed me out that his sentences weren’t really complete sentences and he seemed to have little grasp or interest in the concept. How lucky that Facebook seemed to read my mind and showed me an ad for these differentiated sentence  building centers.  Each seasonal set has ten pages of three sentences each.  There’s two options for each page— emergent: short sentences with a simple subject and predicate for kids just starting to write, and early fluent: more complex sentences with quotes, proper nouns, adjectives, and more, for kiddos who need more of a challenge— there’s also two writing page options, one with a reading fluency and writing checklist, and one with just the writing checklist. The words for the sentences are on little cards with a picture so it’s easy to tell which words belong together and the pictures also hint at what each sentence is about. This has been a great activity that Mr. E has *mostly* enjoyed and that he can do basically by himself. To shake things up we sometimes tape the word cards onto DUPLO blocks and literally build the sentences into towers. Mr. E is starting to understand how to construct his own complete sentences, which he is using in his journaling.  We do one of these each week and it works out pretty well.

Spelling is by far Mr. E’s least favorite subject. We tried the spelling workout workbook last year and he fought so hard against it that I gave up, it just wasn't worth the tears. This year I bought a set of spelling lists, activities, and test here.  Each list includes flash cards, practice pages, and a test. Some of the lists also have fun activities like word shapes, but not every list. While these are editable I am not computer savvy enough to do that. The list are at the right level, and I like that each focuses on a particular phonics concept such as short vowels, long vowels, digraphs, blends, suffixes, etc.. However, I wish that every list had all the practice activities, not just some of them. E still fights pretty hard against spelling, so we try to make it more fun by playing games like hangman, go fish, tic-tac-toe, apple letters, and this great app (from what I can tell it’s only for apple devices).  We tried tests for several weeks, but I decided that it isn’t worth the tears and frustration for either of us, so we’ve given them up for the time being.  Instead we are focusing on learning the phonics concepts that build the words, practicing them in fun ways, and using words in context by journaling.

Handwriting is another beast in and of itself. It gets used so often that I can’t fathom how my son’s handwriting is still so poor! I tried to combat this by making copywork for him, but he hates this almost as much as spelling tests, so we do it sparingly. For the curious, I was having him copy the 13 Articles of Faith of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (found in the Pearl of Great Price). Instead I have revived the journal that we used last year.  This set is great because there’s lots of ways to use the prompts for every level of writer. There’s prompted pages for beginners, unprompted with suggested words, and free-writing pages. Each month is themed, and there is options for dashed lines and non-dashed lines. These also incorporate art as there is drawing space on each page for the kids to illustrate their writing. Last year I guided this heavily by using the promoted pages and walking E through this sentences word-for-word. This wasn’t helping him learn to compose his own sentences, and I had to sit by him the entire time. Now I’m letting him write his “first draft” completely unaided, then I help him edit for complete sentences, grammar, and spelling using the incorporated checklist. Doing it this way allows him to work independently, he is able to sound out words and employ the skills we are working on with spelling, and he can see how proper sentences are built, all while practicing his handwriting. After we edit he rewrites his journal and draws a picture.  Most of his journals are only one or two sentences, but thats enough for some beginning practice, and i don't have to fight him on it.  I'm sure that, as we do it more, he will start to write more.

Last, but certainly not least is this nifty little tool that we discovered last year, the learning palette.  This little learning tool is disguised as a game and Mr. E loves to play it.  It is a board with colored discs that we call cookies and doughnuts.  You place a question card on the board then place the corresponding disc to each question in the answer slot.  The best part, it's self-correcting, so he can do it completely by himself!  We also use the learning wrap-ups for some vocabulary fun with synonyms, antonyms, compound words, and homonyms.  These are key shaped cards with words down each side and a piece of string attached.  He reads the words and matches them to the word across with the string, for example in compound words he matches base to ball, snow to man, etc..  These also self correct.  I love learning tools that he can do independently, and its even better when he thinks they're a game!





LA is definitely the area I struggle with Mr. E the most.  In the beginning he was never super interested in letters, more with numbers and shapes.  My hope is that, by incorporating engaging and accessible activities, I can strengthen this area and even make it fun and interesting for Mr. E.  He is definitely discovering a love for reading by being allowed to read books that he finds fun and interesting.  Hopefully this can also help some of you sort through the millions of options out there for teaching LA to your kiddos.

17 weeks, 6 days

It’s been a while. Things have been pretty normal, growing kids, Lawrence working, and me staying home and doing the mom thing. But at the beginning of July we got a big surprise.  Baby number 5 would be joining our family in February. It wasn’t exactly our timing, but we were excited. I didn’t really waste any time sharing the news, at least not with family. Mr. E was excited, J was excited because E told him to be, and Princess A was clueless that her time as the youngest was coming to a close.  A few weeks later was the first appointment. An ultrasound was done to confirm the due date and I got to hear the beautiful sound of a tiny heart beating away. Everything looked good.  Aunt Kathryn took a fun picture for us to announce the pregnancy, and at the end of August we shared the news with everyone.

"That face you make when you realize there's 6 of us in this picture."

I had some morning sickness, but it was pretty mild. A second appointment found baby’s heart quickly beating away, and another ultrasound was scheduled for mid September. I felt some tiny baby flutters around this time, which is always exciting. However, a couple weeks before the ultrasound I had a nightmare about the baby that really shook me up. I borrowed a Doppler machine from a friend and was reassured to find the baby’s heartbeat, if only for a second or two. As the ultrasound drew closer I just couldn’t shake the feeling of unease the dream had left me with and it finally came to a head the Friday before the ultrasound when I realized that I hadn’t felt the baby move in over a week, possibly longer.  So a call was made and the doctors office squeezed me in for a quick check that afternoon.

What was supposed to be a quick check quickly became a living nightmare. The doctor started by explaining that my fears were probably unfounded and lots of things could make it difficult to feel baby movement. He started listening for the heartbeat with his Doppler, but became discouraged after a couple minutes and grabbed a hand-held ultrasound. He quickly found the baby but couldn’t see the flicker of a heart beating, so he tried with the Doppler again.  It went back and forth like this for a good 20 minutes before he finally admitted that I needed a real ultrasound. My worst fear was being realized. I was sent out to the waiting room to wait for the ultrasound tech, me and my three kids. She finally called me back and started looking at my baby. I anxiously watched for the tiny flicker of a heart, I couldn’t see it.  I listened closely, and couldn’t hear it. Then the tech said the words I had been dreading, “I’m so sorry.” The tears I had been holding back wouldn’t be ignored any more. The doctor came back in and explained that I had a couple options, but wasn’t very helpful or informative, then I was led to another room to wait for my mom and Lawrence. The boys played on tablets, Princess hugged me, and sat on my lap. Mom got there first, followed by my grandpa, and Lawrence. I was given a priesthood blessing, then we left. Decisions had to be made.

When a baby dies before 20 weeks gestation it is called a miscarriage. Most miscarriages happen before week 13, only about 1% of miscarriages happen after that. I was nearly 18 weeks when we found that the baby had passed. Most of the time the mother’s body realizes what has happened and takes care of business, but often in second trimester miscarriages this doesn’t happen, such was the case with me. When the body doesn’t do it’s job medical intervention is required. In first trimester losses the most common intervention is a d&c or dilation and curretage, a surgery where mom is usually put to sleep and the contents of her womb are scraped out to prevent infection. Another option is induction of labor and delivery, where drugs are given to the mother to cause contractions and the baby is born whole.  In second trimester losses most babies are developed enough that they can perform tests to determine what went wrong and/or the body can be buried or cremated, so whichever option is chosen, it is done in a hospital. We chose the induction.  The hospital asked me to come in around 8 Saturday night, since induction can take a long time.

We left the kids in the capable hands of Lawrence’s parents and I sobbed my way reluctantly to labor and delivery.  I didn’t bother packing a bag, all I took was a stuffed elephant I had purchased earlier Friday afternoon.  They put us in a room at the end of the hall, away from the mothers who would be delivering healthy babies and I had a very kind nurse.  I hadn’t been able to eat anything since lunch on Friday and I was a bit dehydrated from crying, so they had a difficult time finding a vein for an iv, it hurt going in, and they did an ultrasound to confirm that baby was gone.  Around 9:30 I was given four little white pills called cytotec to get my labor started.  I didn’t want any pain medication or anything that would make me sleep, I wasn’t going to miss any of this. I slept on and off through the night as the contractions weren’t very painful, though I did get a minor headache and upset stomach. I received more cytotec about 1am and again around 4. After the third dose things got more uncomfortable, they offered me an epidural, but I refused. Around 6:30 I couldn’t get comfortable, I tried to sit upright, but it was too painful, so after trying a few other things I decided to lay completely flat. As I laid down I felt the urge to push, so we called the nurse. She checked and told me that I could push and be done or wait for the doctor who was about 30 minutes away. I was not ready to be done, to put this final stamp on the loss of my sweet baby, so I tried to wait. Lawrence held my hand and my sweet nurse sat quietly by my side, now an hour and a half past the time she had told me she would be ending her shift.  After a while I could feel that I couldn’t wait any more, so with one gentle push my baby came. Baby came out with my bag of waters in tact. We held the baby that way until the doctor came.  When the doctor arrived he opened the bag of waters, looked over baby, and informed us it was a boy. Then we got to hold him. He weighed about an ounce, and was maybe 8 inches long, head to foot. He had ten perfect fingers, ten tiny toes, itty bitty ears, nose, mouth, and eyes. By all appearances our sweet boy was perfect.  It was a little after 7am. We were able to hold our sweet baby and give him a name.  He is our little Thomas.

Lawrence wanted to take the kids for breakfast, as he did with the births of J and Princess. So they met him in the cafeteria. I was able to sleep for a few hours and the nurses took Thomas to the fridge to help preserve his body. A few hours later our dear friend Valery came and took pictures for us. Just as she was about to leave some women from a group for families who have lost babies, called Share, came. They gave us some more picture ideas and took molds of Thomas’s tiny hands and feet. Grandparents came to visit and Lawrence, along with his dad and mine, blessed our tiny boy’s body.  We kissed our sweet boy goodbye and I was discharged.

We decided to have our dear friend, Shawn Warenski, take care of our boy for us. He did such a beautiful job for Ethne and it was comforting to know that Thomas was being taken care of by someone we know and love. Calls were made to Herriman cemetery to try and get a waiver to their one per plot policy. The kids seemed confused and E wanted to see the baby. We made arrangements to see him on Thursday. The boys picked out a transformer toy and each got matching ones and A chose a car to give to baby Thomas. At the funeral home they each held their baby brother. Then we placed him and their gifts into a tiny casket.  On Friday we held a small graveside where Thomas was laid to rest on top of his oldest sister.

We'd like to thank all our family and friends that have been praying, helping, and supporting us this last week.  We would also like to give a special thank you to Shawn Warenski and Warenski mortuary for taking such good care of our babies, Miae's floral for the beautiful flowers, Valery Bunnell for taking pictures for us, Share Parents of Utah for being our new friends and making molds of Thomas's hands and feet, and to Herriman City and Cemetery for allowing us to keep our children together.

The Birth

My first labor started in the wee small hours of the morning with my water breaking and lasted 20+ hours.  With Mr. E it started fairly early, and lasted about 11 hours.  Baby J's was a rather exciting start and it went about 6.  Baby girl's labor really started at about 3:30 in the morning, but We didn't get to the hospital for 5 more hours, she came less than 3 hours later.

On May 23 I woke up at 3:30 am to do that thing that pregnant women do often.  On my way I felt a trickle run down my leg and suspected my water had broken.  They tell you that if you aren't sure it's your water that you should lay down for a while, at least 20 minutes, and if you have more when you get back up then it's definitely your water, so that's what I did, and by all appearances it wasn't my water.  At this point I couldn't sleep any more, I tried, but I just kept tossing and turning.  About two hours later I started having pretty intense contractions, they were tough to breathe and talk through, but not super regular or close enough together.  Lawrence woke up and asked if he should get the boys up, I told him not to.  About 6:30 I started packing my hospital bag, it was on the to-do list and I wasn't sleeping, so why not?  Lawrence watched me stop every 8 or so minutes for a contraction.  I still didn't want him to get the boys since I didn't really think this was it, I was NOT about to get sent home for false labor.  The boys woke up at their usual time, 8am and as they did so I raced to the bathroom, this time I was sure it was my water.  I called my mom, finished packing, loaded the kids in the car, and we were off to the hospital.  When we got there the nurses got me into triage, checked me out and informed me that I was much further along than I thought I was.  They rushed me to a delivery room and called anesthesia as quickly as they could.  My epidural went in at about 9:30.  I was able to rest a little, have an Italian ice, and soon it was time to push.  My doctor was still out of town, so the on-call doctor had to deliver Baby Girl.  After my first push it became apparent to me that the epidural wasn't quite working right, I could feel everything except the contractions.  Two pushes (and a lot of encouraging talk from Lawrence and the nurses) later Baby Girl came out screaming.  I held her on my chest and cried.

She was perfect, ten fingers, ten toes, a face just like her siblings, 8 lbs. 1oz (my smallest), 20.5 inches long, and dark hair.  That's right, dark, like my natural color, no real hint of red.  To say we were surprised would be an understatement.  It was certainly not a bad surprise, and she is beautiful. She nursed great and slept well, and just begged to be snuggled.

Then came the wait.  Before J was born I never thought I would pray for something like a stinky diaper, but here I was, praying hard for that very thing.  After about 12 hours I started to get really nervous.  Then, at about 18 hours old it happened, and we had a little party.  Yep, I said it, we had a celebration for a poopy diaper.

After that we were allowed to go home, we stayed in the hospital just over 24 hours.

Mr. E and Baby J (He needs a new nickname) are head over heels in love with their baby sister, they think she is "SOOO cute!" and we tend to agree.

It's not you, it's me

This time of year is so exciting for parents.  Summer is drawing its last breaths and Fall is slowly beginning to spread its colors.  Crayons, notebooks, pencils, and backpacks line almost every aisle of every store.  For some this routine is old hat-- you and your kids have done this before, the new clothes, shoes, supplies, maybe it's even your last year doing the dance.  For others it's a first and it is very exciting, this back to school thing.

Then there's some of us, scrolling through our social media feeds when we are unexpectedly hit by a picture of your first-timer.  The one we were pregnant with together.  The one we both anticipated and planned and dreamed for at the same time.  Your "baby" that's not really a baby any more.  You cried, she held your hand, he tripped as he crossed the threshold of the classroom, you snapped pictures, then they smiled and waved as you walked away, leaving them to this new adventure.  The pictures you proudly display to all the world, "my baby started school today."  And I'm staring at the screen with tears rolling down my face, your baby that my baby played with, your baby that we joked would date my baby, is starting school today, and mine is not.  And I can't bring myself to click the "like" button or double tap the picture like I have many of my friends' older children's back to school posts.

It's not you, it's not your child.  It's me and my child.  Somewhere deep inside I am happy for you.  I even think your little girl, in her skirt, leggings, princess shirt and pigtails is darling, and your boy in his button-down plaid and crisp jeans is very handsome, but the grieving mom in me can't bare to look at the picture long enough to really appreciate these things and show you that, even with a simple click of the mouse.  Because with each picture of your child, who is growing up, learning, and LIVING I am reminded that mine is not.  I am reminded just a little bit more of how much I miss her. I still like you, I still think your kid is great, but I just can't bring myself to witness this particular milestone with you.

9 Month Struggle

After the accident I saw a lot of doctors and out of a sense of duty I asked about future children as I was cleared for various activities.  As each doctor cleared me feelings of fear and doubt began to creep in.  Several months after the accident, after all my doctors had cleared me to go on with my normal life and normal activities, and after months of physical therapy, I finally worked up the nerve to tell my husband that I was unsure about having any more children.  At the time we had Mr. E who had survived the accident and I was already nervous enough that something might happen to him, the though of another child that could potentially cause me the heartbreak of loss again scared me so much I can't even put it into words.  Miscarriage or stillbirth were certainly on my mind, especially since some of my injuries from the accident make me high risk in pregnancy.  I couldn't bare the thought of even an early miscarriage, I knew that my emotional state wouldn't bare it.  Lawrence was disappointed to say the least.  He told me that he knew that there were more children meant for our family and he couldn't bare the thought of not providing them the opportunity to have mortal bodies.  He told me that he was willing to wait for me to feel better about having more kids, but that this was something I would have to pray about.  I prayed and received comfort.  A little over a year later I came around and got pregnant.

Shortly before we decided to get pregnant again we moved into a new house.  After moving seemed like as good a time as any, I had survived one rather big emotional hurdle, why not brave another?  I really though that I was ready.  But then I got pregnant and I found out how wrong I was.  I struggled to connect with my rainbow baby during my pregnancy.  As much as I struggled I did harbor hope that this baby would be a girl, not to replace my daughter, but to maybe help patch my grieving heart in ways that I though a boy just wouldn't do.  When we found out the baby was a boy I was a little disappointed, but still wanted to be able to love him.  I continued to struggle with connecting to this baby.  I tried decorating his nursery, taking more pictures and videos of my baby bump, washing clothes for him, choosing a special coming home outfit... none of it worked.  I couldn't even bring myself to even talk to him the way I had with my first two.  Shortly before he was born I finally broke down and told Lawrence about how I had been struggling.  It was almost harder to tell him about this than it was to tell him about possibly not having more kids.  He told me that he was worried that this would be a problem and did his best to comfort me and help me.

When Baby J was born I was afraid that I would continue to struggle to connect with him, but something amazing happened.  When the doctor handed him to me after he was born I had an overwhelming feeling that Ethne was in the room with us.  In that moment I fell completely in love with my baby boy and my fears flew out the window.

Then I was put to the test when we found out about J's Hirschprung's Disease and he had to be hospitalized and have surgeries.  This was a whole new kind of struggle to keep my heart and mind open and continue loving him when the future seemed so uncertain.

Long story short (to read the rest of his story follow the Baby J tag at the bottom of this post), he is fine now and I was able to stay by his side through everything.  I was scared out of my mind and went through some flashbacks and what I'm pretty sure was PTSD, but I can't imagine not having him, I love him so much.  He has been a huge blessing to our family and has helped me heal in all the ways I was afraid he wouldn't be able to and more.  He is patient, brave, happy, and a joy to be around and I love him so completely-- we all do.

I want it to be clear that, while I struggled a lot emotionally, I wanted Baby J.  I share these things because I want others to know that they are not alone.  Another angel mom recently shared her struggles with pregnancy following the loss of her child and it buoyed me up immensely to know that I am not alone in my struggles.  The Atonement is real and I know that Christ knows my pains, but sometimes it is immensely comforting to have a more tangible friend that can understand too, and sometimes these friends are Christ's way of helping to comfort us.

Mother's Day Milestones

Every woman who has had or wanted to have children anticipates certain milestones in regards to motherhood.  Milestones like those first two pink lines on a pregnancy test, the birth of her first child, that child's first birthday, first steps, first teeth, first words, etc. etc.  These milestones often mark successes and give reason to celebrate, even if it is only a small celebration.

Another milestone many women look forward to is their first Mother's Day.  For me it was an anticipated day, a day to reflect on the things I learned and experienced as a new mom, and how far my baby had come in the months since her birth.  I loved being able to celebrate Mother's Day with my Princess.  The next anticipated Mother's Day was the first after the car accident.  Yes, I was still a mommy, and always will be, but it was difficult to pass the day without Ethne.  I had anticipated a cute craft or scribbled coloring page from her nursery class (a church class for 18 mo-3 years), and maybe a messy breakfast in bed.  But instead I cried for missing my little girl.  There was no scribbled card or handprint craft, no little girl serving me chocolate toast.  It was a hard day.


The next Mother's Day milestone that I anticipated was seeing my kid(s) sing with the Primary in Sacrament Meeting.  In LDS Sunday worship we attend 3 hours of meetings.  The first of these is Sacrament meeting where we sing, pray, partake of the sacrament, and are taught by other members of the congregation.  Often during this meeting there is a special musical number, and it is a tradition of sorts that for Mother's Day the children ages 3-12 will sing special songs about mothers.  This has always been a favorite for me and from a young age I looked forward to the day that my children would join in this tradition.  The second Mother's day after the accident marked the first year that I should have had a child singing for Mother's day.  Instead of being in our own ward we were in Idaho visiting Lawrence's parents, so that eased the sting a little, but it was still hard to realize that I should have had a child singing.

So I waited to celebrate this milestone with Mr. E.

This year I finally got the experience of seeing one of my children sing with the primary for Mother's Day.  Mr. E walked himself up to the podium with the other children, found himself a spot right up front, then wandered away...  We spotted his sweet red head again when one of the older children stopped him and tried to hold him up, he didn't like this, so he was put down, and he wandered some more.  The music director told him to join the rest of the kids, and one of the speakers grabbed him and tried to hold him up again, and it didn't fly.  Finally he found a place up front near the microphone.  Lawrence and I watched this all unfold, anticipating him making a mad dash or grabbing hold of the microphone and yelling into it, while trying not to laugh.  Then they sang.  I don't know if Mr. E actually sang because we couldn't see his mouth, but just seeing him up there, joining in song with the other kids made my mommy heart so happy, almost to bursting.  I cried, happy tears, that I was finally getting to see one of my kids sing, and a little sad, that Ethne wasn't there to sing with them.  Edward got a little turned around when they finished and returned to their families, but he found us quickly and I gave him a great big, teary hug to which he replied "Put me down mommy, I want to color."

Some day I will get to see Ethne sing sweet songs for Mother's Day,  but until then I will revel in my silly, wandering little boy and wait for the days when Baby J will join his big brother to sing in sacrament meeting too.

The longer I'm a mom the more I realize that it is the little things that make the most meaningful memories, and watching my babies sing in church is definitely one of those little things.  I am so thankful for these sweet spirits that I have been trusted to care for and for all the little moments that make being a mommy so incredibly fulfilling.