Including Angels in Christmas

I have often seen newly bereaved parents ask how they can incorporate their angel children into holidays and particularly, Christmas.  Here are just a few ideas

1) We have this poem that belonged to Grandma and Grandad Burt, it sits on our piano at Christmas time:

Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below.
Please wipe away the tear,
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sound of music can’t compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring
For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not so far away we really aren’t apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know how I hold you dear.
And be so glad I’m spending time with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent each of you a memory of my undying love,
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told;
Please love and keep my commandments as my Father said to do,
For I count the blessings of love he has for each one of you.
So have a merry Christmas and wipe away the tear,
Remember I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I love having this as a reminder that Ethne and Thomas are never far and that thy are in the best place they can be at this time of year.  (I can't find an author for this so if anyone knows please tell me).

2) That first Christmas after Ethne died I felt so lost.  This was supposed to be a happy time, but I was so sad and empty.  Mr. E was still so young and, while he was a huge light, it was still so hard.  For my own sanity I decided to say no to all the things, parties, family gatherings, Christmas day visits, I just didn't have it in me.  We needed a way to remember and honor Ethne, while keeping Christmas a happy time for Mr. E, we needed somewhere for the love to go.  So Lawrence suggested that we purchase gifts for her, and donate them.  The first few years we just dropped toys and clothes into donation boxes, but we started adopting a girl, about Ethne's age, off a local angel tree and it feels much more personal.  We try to include grandparents in this, if they are interested, and we also have our living children help with choosing gifts.  It's a small way to help them remember, and to share our extra love with others.  Last year we started including Thomas in this tradition as well.




3) Purchase, hang, or make a tree ornament in memory of your child.  Each year we get ornaments that represent something fun we have done or that represents each member of our family and hang them all on the tree.  It is fun sharing memories each year, and the boys love seeing all their ornaments and hanging them.  We get ornaments for Ethne and Thomas as well.  To remember who each ornament belongs to we mark each one with an initial and the year.

4) Decorate at the cemetery.  Last year I posted on instagram (or facebook, or some other social media) about how we used to get pretty extravagant with decorating Ethne's headstone, and how I was scaling back and keeping it simple.  For some simple works, but or others it is a sincere act of love to go all out decorating a loved-one's headstone or grave for holidays and Christmas in particular.  I say you do you, and don't let anyone tell you that you are wrong.  If a tree with ornaments and lights is right for you, go right ahead, if a simple tinsel garland or nativity does the trick, then leave it at that; and if you find that it changes from one year to the next that's okay too, just do what makes you feel like you have honored your child.

4) Acts of service in their name.  Some people prefer acts of service over gift giving in their child's memory.  Things such as food drives, clothing drives, blood drives, serving meals at a soup kitchen, and so much more are often done in the memory of angels.

5) Monetary donations in a loved one's name are another great way to remember a child.  Donate to a cancer foundation, or a not-for-profit children's hospital, a private school, or a ballet school.  Choose something that was or would have been meaningful to your child and give what you can.

6) Hang a stocking, or other decoration for your child.  My mom made beautiful stockings for each of my children, Ethne and Thomas included, and we hang them every year.

7) We believe in Eternal families, that we will be reunited with Ethne and Thomas after we die, and we will get a chance to raise them when Christ returns.  In order to receive these blessings there are things we must do, and covenants we must keep, so each year we set goals to help us keep our covenants and draw closer to Jesus Christ, who makes it all possible.  Goals like studying our scriptures more diligently, attending the temple more regularly, or memorizing the Articles of Faith.  We write these goals down and place them in Ethne and Thomas's stockings as symbolic gifts to them.  Even if you don't have these same beliefs you can set goals to live a better life by serving those around you, being more patient, loving yourself better, and more and give these as symbolic gifts to your child(ren).


This list is not exhaustive by any means, but it is a place to start.  Please remember that everyone grieves differently and if nothing feels right to you, keep searching for that something that does and never let anyone tell you that you're doing it wrong.  Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself time and space to grieve in what ever ways work for you.  I hope this can give those seeking ways to honor their loved ones this season some ideas and can help bring some peace.

17 weeks, 6 days

It’s been a while. Things have been pretty normal, growing kids, Lawrence working, and me staying home and doing the mom thing. But at the beginning of July we got a big surprise.  Baby number 5 would be joining our family in February. It wasn’t exactly our timing, but we were excited. I didn’t really waste any time sharing the news, at least not with family. Mr. E was excited, J was excited because E told him to be, and Princess A was clueless that her time as the youngest was coming to a close.  A few weeks later was the first appointment. An ultrasound was done to confirm the due date and I got to hear the beautiful sound of a tiny heart beating away. Everything looked good.  Aunt Kathryn took a fun picture for us to announce the pregnancy, and at the end of August we shared the news with everyone.

"That face you make when you realize there's 6 of us in this picture."

I had some morning sickness, but it was pretty mild. A second appointment found baby’s heart quickly beating away, and another ultrasound was scheduled for mid September. I felt some tiny baby flutters around this time, which is always exciting. However, a couple weeks before the ultrasound I had a nightmare about the baby that really shook me up. I borrowed a Doppler machine from a friend and was reassured to find the baby’s heartbeat, if only for a second or two. As the ultrasound drew closer I just couldn’t shake the feeling of unease the dream had left me with and it finally came to a head the Friday before the ultrasound when I realized that I hadn’t felt the baby move in over a week, possibly longer.  So a call was made and the doctors office squeezed me in for a quick check that afternoon.

What was supposed to be a quick check quickly became a living nightmare. The doctor started by explaining that my fears were probably unfounded and lots of things could make it difficult to feel baby movement. He started listening for the heartbeat with his Doppler, but became discouraged after a couple minutes and grabbed a hand-held ultrasound. He quickly found the baby but couldn’t see the flicker of a heart beating, so he tried with the Doppler again.  It went back and forth like this for a good 20 minutes before he finally admitted that I needed a real ultrasound. My worst fear was being realized. I was sent out to the waiting room to wait for the ultrasound tech, me and my three kids. She finally called me back and started looking at my baby. I anxiously watched for the tiny flicker of a heart, I couldn’t see it.  I listened closely, and couldn’t hear it. Then the tech said the words I had been dreading, “I’m so sorry.” The tears I had been holding back wouldn’t be ignored any more. The doctor came back in and explained that I had a couple options, but wasn’t very helpful or informative, then I was led to another room to wait for my mom and Lawrence. The boys played on tablets, Princess hugged me, and sat on my lap. Mom got there first, followed by my grandpa, and Lawrence. I was given a priesthood blessing, then we left. Decisions had to be made.

When a baby dies before 20 weeks gestation it is called a miscarriage. Most miscarriages happen before week 13, only about 1% of miscarriages happen after that. I was nearly 18 weeks when we found that the baby had passed. Most of the time the mother’s body realizes what has happened and takes care of business, but often in second trimester miscarriages this doesn’t happen, such was the case with me. When the body doesn’t do it’s job medical intervention is required. In first trimester losses the most common intervention is a d&c or dilation and curretage, a surgery where mom is usually put to sleep and the contents of her womb are scraped out to prevent infection. Another option is induction of labor and delivery, where drugs are given to the mother to cause contractions and the baby is born whole.  In second trimester losses most babies are developed enough that they can perform tests to determine what went wrong and/or the body can be buried or cremated, so whichever option is chosen, it is done in a hospital. We chose the induction.  The hospital asked me to come in around 8 Saturday night, since induction can take a long time.

We left the kids in the capable hands of Lawrence’s parents and I sobbed my way reluctantly to labor and delivery.  I didn’t bother packing a bag, all I took was a stuffed elephant I had purchased earlier Friday afternoon.  They put us in a room at the end of the hall, away from the mothers who would be delivering healthy babies and I had a very kind nurse.  I hadn’t been able to eat anything since lunch on Friday and I was a bit dehydrated from crying, so they had a difficult time finding a vein for an iv, it hurt going in, and they did an ultrasound to confirm that baby was gone.  Around 9:30 I was given four little white pills called cytotec to get my labor started.  I didn’t want any pain medication or anything that would make me sleep, I wasn’t going to miss any of this. I slept on and off through the night as the contractions weren’t very painful, though I did get a minor headache and upset stomach. I received more cytotec about 1am and again around 4. After the third dose things got more uncomfortable, they offered me an epidural, but I refused. Around 6:30 I couldn’t get comfortable, I tried to sit upright, but it was too painful, so after trying a few other things I decided to lay completely flat. As I laid down I felt the urge to push, so we called the nurse. She checked and told me that I could push and be done or wait for the doctor who was about 30 minutes away. I was not ready to be done, to put this final stamp on the loss of my sweet baby, so I tried to wait. Lawrence held my hand and my sweet nurse sat quietly by my side, now an hour and a half past the time she had told me she would be ending her shift.  After a while I could feel that I couldn’t wait any more, so with one gentle push my baby came. Baby came out with my bag of waters in tact. We held the baby that way until the doctor came.  When the doctor arrived he opened the bag of waters, looked over baby, and informed us it was a boy. Then we got to hold him. He weighed about an ounce, and was maybe 8 inches long, head to foot. He had ten perfect fingers, ten tiny toes, itty bitty ears, nose, mouth, and eyes. By all appearances our sweet boy was perfect.  It was a little after 7am. We were able to hold our sweet baby and give him a name.  He is our little Thomas.

Lawrence wanted to take the kids for breakfast, as he did with the births of J and Princess. So they met him in the cafeteria. I was able to sleep for a few hours and the nurses took Thomas to the fridge to help preserve his body. A few hours later our dear friend Valery came and took pictures for us. Just as she was about to leave some women from a group for families who have lost babies, called Share, came. They gave us some more picture ideas and took molds of Thomas’s tiny hands and feet. Grandparents came to visit and Lawrence, along with his dad and mine, blessed our tiny boy’s body.  We kissed our sweet boy goodbye and I was discharged.

We decided to have our dear friend, Shawn Warenski, take care of our boy for us. He did such a beautiful job for Ethne and it was comforting to know that Thomas was being taken care of by someone we know and love. Calls were made to Herriman cemetery to try and get a waiver to their one per plot policy. The kids seemed confused and E wanted to see the baby. We made arrangements to see him on Thursday. The boys picked out a transformer toy and each got matching ones and A chose a car to give to baby Thomas. At the funeral home they each held their baby brother. Then we placed him and their gifts into a tiny casket.  On Friday we held a small graveside where Thomas was laid to rest on top of his oldest sister.

We'd like to thank all our family and friends that have been praying, helping, and supporting us this last week.  We would also like to give a special thank you to Shawn Warenski and Warenski mortuary for taking such good care of our babies, Miae's floral for the beautiful flowers, Valery Bunnell for taking pictures for us, Share Parents of Utah for being our new friends and making molds of Thomas's hands and feet, and to Herriman City and Cemetery for allowing us to keep our children together.

"It will all be ok"

Two weeks ago was Ethne's four-year angelversary.  Lawrence's parents were in town, so we met them for our traditional breakfast.  Then we went to visit the cemetery where my parents and younger brothers met us with balloons.  The boys had fun stoping around in the mostly undisturbed snow while the rest of us talked and froze.  We released balloons, shed some tears, then all went our own ways.


Lawrence had to work, and I managed the day alright.  I spent it with my boys, playing and snuggling.  It wasn't really until I was putting them to bed that things got a little "ugly."

Putting two busy boys to bed is always an adventure.  It was a Saturday, so they had baths.  J has become rather stubborn and independent so things have to be done just so or he has a fit, E has figured out some fun bedtime stalling technics, like getting into his jammies as slowly as humanly possible.  This often leads to some frustration on my part.  But then there's a fun part, where we read stories (E has been working on some sight words), say prayers, and sing songs.  The boys love to snuggle together in E's bed while we sing and they sing along with me, which always brings a smile to my face.  At the end we always sing "Bushel and a Peck" to each child, individually.  J while we chase him into his own room and tuck him in; and E while we scratch his back.  It was while tucking J in that it hit me...

J was only about a month younger than Ethne was when we lost her.  Then the tears came.  I couldn't stop them.  My sweet baby climbed into my fading lap and hugged me as I sobbed.  E called to me from his room, wondering when it was his turn.  Then Lawrence came home, and found me sobbing, on the floor, clinging to J.  He joined us on the floor, called E into the room, and tried to explain why I was so sad.  Then he asked E to give me a hug.

Without hesitation my tender-hearted boy was next to me, his skinny arms around my neck, and with all the gentleness a 4-year-old can muster he whispered to me, "It's all going to be ok, mommy.  It will all be ok."  Then he jumped up and ran to find his Princess Ethne book.  He climbed onto my lap-- which J had vacated-- and asked me to read to him.

Through my tears I managed most of the story, with some help from E, but I couldn't make it through the last several pages.  One of these pages has a picture of Lawrence and me, on our wedding day, in front of the temple.  It reads "Because Mommy and Daddy were married in the temple we know that we will get to be with Ethne again."

At that page E turned around and hugged me again, "It will all be ok, Mommy."

Five simple words, out of the mouth of a child, taught me a lesson that night.  My sweet boy has yet to be faced with many of life's great challenges-- he is only 4-years-old, his greatest trial is learning how to share with his brother-- yet he still understands, and has faith, in the things that we are trying to teach him.  He was so very firm in his belief that everything will be ok, because we have taught him that it will.  And the Lord has promised us that it will...

"Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good..." D&C 90:24

"Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name’s glory, saith the Lord."  D&C 98:3

So it is, every day, we move forward with faith in the Lord's promises that "all things will work together for [our] good" and that we will be with Ethne again.  We move forward with faith that "it will all be ok."

How we celebrate

It may seem odd to those looking in, but we still celebrate Ethne's birthday every year.  It is a day for us to remember her and celebrate all the things we have learned from her short life and since.

I've mentioned that we use it as a day to celebrate our eternal family by attending the temple.  Many are aware of the service challenge we issued this year.  But we also do things Ethne enjoyed, we have cake, balloons, and sing "Happy Birthday."  This year Mr. E and I watched "Tangled," he picked it, he likes the "I Have a Dream" song, and it hit me particularly hard (more on that another time).  Then we all had chocolate toast for lunch.  I try to do something special that she would have liked with her cake, just as I do for my boys.  Last year it was a minion, this year I tried to make a butterfly out of cupcakes.  I also make sure to get a flavor that she would have enjoyed, this year it was red velvet and strawberry cheesecake (they screamed at me from the shelf that they were what Ethne would want).  There is a park next to the Herriman cemetery where Ethne rests, we meet there with any family that can and have cake.    Then we head over to the cemetery, leave balloons and often a small gift at her headstone, blow kisses, and send balloons to her in Heaven.  We also try to have a dinner that Ethne might have requested, after Lawrence and I got home from the temple and the boys were in bed we had one of Ethne's favorites, "cocorn" (popcorn).




Another way we remember is by looking through some of Ethne's special things that we keep in her chest.  Yesterday got a bit busy with service and celebrating so we didn't get to spend the time that we like to spend.  But while we ate our popcorn and Lawrence and I snuggled we did so under Ethne's quilt that Grandma Stone made for her, and hugged her "ephant."  We talked about Ethne and remembered her together.


It really was a wonderful day and I am thankful it was so full of so much goodness.  I know it's a few days late, but happy birthday, Princess!

Ethne's Headstone

Ethne's headstone was placed at her grave about a week before Memorial Day 2012.  Since then we have posted many pictures of it, but have never really talked about it or the images we chose to have engraved on it.

We have seen a lot of different headstones with a lot of different styles, stones, engravings, and images.  We wanted it to be special and to memorialize our Princess, but also classic.  We decided on grey granite because it's easy to keep clean and less likely to crack or break.  We also didn't want something high profile so we went with a flat stone with a slight angle to it.  We wanted anyone who saw it to be able to get a glimpse into the personality of Ethne.  Obviously we had her name, birth date, and death date engraved on the head stone.  We wanted there to be a vase or other receptacle for us to put flowers or other decorations in, so there is a hole for that at the top of her headstone.  We chose to have an elephant for obvious reasons-- Ethne and her "ephant" were inseparable-- but also because elephants never forget, and we will never forget.  The minion was also twofold in that it comes from one of her favorite movies and that it represents her personality so very well, she was so loving and willing to help, but also playful and mischievous.  There's a tiara, because she is and always will be our princess.  Last but not least is the inscription "Daughter of a King."  This inscription also has two meanings for us.  The first is superficial and plays into Lawrence's nickname for her-- Princess.  The second is more meaningful and comes from a beautifully written and illustrated children's book by the same title.

To summarize the story:  There is a farmer's daughter whose clothes are old and patched, she plays with the other town children and some of the richer children tease her, but she doesn't let this get to her because her parents have taught her that she is a daughter of the King and that he loves her, no matter what.  As she grows she has other experiences that teach her about being a daughter of the King and of how she can go to the castle to live with him some day.  She eventually marries a young man who has also been taught that he is a son of the King and they work together to be able to live in the King's castle one day.  They have children of their own and raise them in the knowledge that they are also children of the King.  Finally they grow old and take their journey to the castle.  The journey is hard, but they have each other for help and support.  Along the way they meet others on their way to the castle and they help these others along their journeys.  Eventually they make it to the castle and the King greets them, by name, with open arms and welcomes them home.

It is such a beautiful and profound story that teaches of each person's worth and of our mission here on earth in such a way that even children can understand.  It was one of Ethne's favorite bedtime stories and made even Lawrence tear up when he read it to her.  In so many ways this story and inscription remind us of our Princess.  She was so kind and loving to everyone and she knew that she was a princess.  It also reminds us that, not only will our father, the King, welcome us with open arms when our journey is through, but also that Ethne will be there, a crooked grin on her face, and her arms wide open and ready to give us great big hugs.

We hope that all those who see her headstone get at least a small clue of who she was is.

Memorial Day 2014

This Memorial Day has left me a little more reflective than others have.  Just under a week ago my grandfather passed away and his funeral is tomorrow.  While I haven't had the best relationship with him in a long time, he is still a member of my family and I still care about him.  I hope that he has found some peace.  I know that he is with many loved ones, including my precious angel.  I know that he is now learning from his mistakes and is being given a chance to repent and make better choices.  I feel that Ethne is helping him do this.

I am trying to teach Mr. E to respect the cemetery and those who rest there, but it's hard to listen and to watch your feet when you are a busy little boy.  He will learn.  For now he gets to pick out flowers and take them to his sister, then run around some (while we try to stop him from running over headstones).






I still love that the cemetery puts up over 100 flags for veterans on this day of remembering.  They are so beautiful and the sound of them waving in the wind is calming and mesmerizing.

This tree was planted in the park next to the cemetery, by my family, for Ethne's 3 birthday, her first after the accident.  It continues to reach up to heaven and reminds us to do the same.  I hope that, no matter where I am, I can always remember this.  I hope that I can always honor those who have gone on before me by carrying on their legacy and can always be found reaching for heaven.