Word for the Year

As the new year rolled in I saw many friends and family members sharing their word for the year.  Each was a sort of mantra or affirmation to remind each person of their goals and desires for the coming year.  Words such as simplify, kindness, gratitude, organize, hope, and love are just a few examples of words my friends have chosen to represent this year.  We had mentioned choosing a family mission statement or word for 2019, but when we had our goal setting Family Home Evening we forgot about it (think creating vision boards with three kids... more on that later).  The idea had stuck with me, though, and for a few days I rolled it around in my head, trying to think of a phrase or word that could represent the things I/we want to accomplish this year.

One of my goals is to complete a 30 day yoga journey via a youtube channel called "Yoga with Adrienne" (it's a free channel and she has many wonderful videos of gentle and customizable yoga practices that anyone can follow along with).  This is a challenge she has done on her channel every January for at least the last 3 years.  I did most of last year's 30 days and really enjoyed it, so I decided to try again this year.  Each day has a focus.  The focus for day 2 was "Foundation" the practice was all about building a strong body foundation for safety and health, and strong foundational breathing.  As I followed along I got to thinking, building a strong foundation is exactly what I am trying to accomplish with many of my goals this year.  Through better eating and exercise I am building a better foundation in my body, through more consistent scripture study and temple attendance I am building a stronger foundation for my faith, by building a business and supporting my husband in his business goals I am building a better financial foundation for my family, and so on.  So there I had it, my word for the year, Foundation.  When I shared it with Lawrence he agreed that it was a great word and asked if we could use it as our word for the year for the whole family, I whole heartily agreed to share.

Word cloud created at WordArt.com

I look forward to this year of focussing on building foundations, personally and as a family by working together for gospel learning, education, family togetherness, health, and business.  I look forward to helping my children and husband strengthen their foundations as they support me in my building also.  Here's to a new year, to new experiences, and to building firmer foundations!

Do you choose a word or mantra for your year?  What are your goals?

Today I am Thankful

I am thankful for my husband and partner in all things. He works so hard so that I can be able to be at home with our children, he put me and our family first, always.
I am thankful for my busy and encourage-able children who keep me on my toes and make me get out of bed every day.
I am thankful for my mom who has become my best friend, rare is the day that we don’t at least communicate by text.
I am thankful for my dad who taught me what a man should be and spoils me, because I’m his princess.
I am thankful for my brothers, the examples they are to me and my kids.
I am thankful for my amazing in-laws who treat me like one of their own and remind me often that I am their favorite daughter-in-law.
I am thankful for my sisters-in-law, they are everything I had hoped having sisters would be.
I am thankful for my nieces and nephews, they are some of my kids’ best friends, no matter how far apart we’ve been.
I am thankful for our dogs they provide love unconditionally and provide my kiddos with lots of entertainment.
I am thankful for school choice, and homeschooling.  I LOVE getting to see the light bulb moments for my children when they understand something hard, I love watching them learn and grow in every way.  We have our hard moments and days, but the good always outweighs the difficult and makes it all so very worth it.
I am thankful for my musical talents, they uplift me, amuse me, and allow me to make a small income to help provide for our family.
I am thankful for this beautiful earth.
I am thankful for this nation where I can worship how I choose, live where I choose, work (or not) if I choose, and so much more.
I am thankful for books, they teach, they amuse, they uplift; reading is my favorite hobby.
I am thankful for our home, cars, and other possessions.
I am thankful for temples and the eternal covenants I have made in them, because of them I am able to be with the people I love through eternity.
I am thankful for Ethne and the memories I have of her; her contagious giggle, her amazing hugs, her sassy attitude, her friendliness, her silly dances, and most of all her love.
I am thankful for the time I was able to carry Thomas, he is so valiant that he only needed a body, and I was able to provide that.
I am thankful for my Savior, Jesus Christ.  He gave everything for me.  He knows my sorrows, my frustrations, my physical pains, and my joys.  Because of him I will get to hold Ethne and Thomas again.

There is so much I am thankful for, this doesn't even begin to cover it.  So today, and every day, I am thankful.

Simply Blessed

When I was growing up we never really did a lot with the whole Easter Bunny thing.  We got simple baskets with a few treats in them, there was usually a family egg hunt with cousins, but the notion of a colorful rabbit that left these surprises never really took center stage in our Easter celebrations.  We focussed more on Christ, the Atonement and Resurrection.  For this I am very grateful.

I have been striving to make Easter similar in my own home.  This year we decided to read from a wonderful board book that tells the story of Easter, starting with Christ's triumphal entry into Jerusalem and ending with his visit to the people in the Americas after his resurrection.  We read a couple pages each day and ended perfectly on Sunday.  After finishing this book I had a very strong desire to take my kids visit the Christus statue at the visitor's center on Temple Square.

Larry and Marilyn were in town again to visit us and we spent two busy, but wonderful days with them on Saturday and Sunday, then met for our traditional pancakes Monday morning.  Afterwards we made our way downtown.  I was so very thankful that Lawrence had taken the day off and was able to drive as the weather was less than ideal (wet, heavy snow).  We made a few stops on our way to Temple Square, then we were off the the North Visitors center.



Mr. E thought that the paintings on the walls up to the Christus were really neat, then he spied the statue.  He walked a few laps around the base, Baby J right behind, then I got down on the floor with them and talked to them about Christ and the nail prints in His hands and feet.  We talked about how we love Jesus and he loves us.  Then we took a family picture with the statue and explored the rest of the visitors center.  Mr. E grew tired of our constant asking him about the subjects in the multitude of paintings on the walls, replying often with "I already told you, it's Jesus!"  We corrected him when he was mistaken, and tried to share the stories portrayed with him.  There soon came a point when it was clear that the boys were done with this activity and we decided to head to the car.

As we crossed Temple Square to the parking garage I followed a little way behind Lawrence and the kids, taking pictures and enjoying seeing my boys walking hand-in-hand in this special place.  As I watched my sweet children point at and admire the temple I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the blessings of the temple and my family.  I am so very blessed to have a wonderful, hard-working, loving, and kind husband who is sealed to me for all eternity and is determined to keep that covenant.  I am blessed to have two smart, energetic, sweet, silly, and loving boys who love to learn and to play. These boy are also mine for eternity because of the covenants Lawrence and I made in the temple.  I am blessed to have a mortal body that can create and sustain life, despite the discomforts I have experienced in pregnancy.  I am so very blessed to feel this sweet new life growing and moving inside me.  I am also very blessed to have my angel, Ethne, in heaven, who is also mine for all eternity.  These simplest blessings in my life are the ones that make me feel the most blessed, they are the blessings I am most thankful for.

The big 4!

It's time for another birthday!  Mr. E turned four-years-old recently and he was very keen to celebrate.  Mr. E has finally figured out what birthdays are and has been excited for his birthday for MONTHS.  Every time we'd celebrate another birthday he'd get excited for it to be his turn, and every time it wasn't his birthday he'd get disappointed.  But now that it really was his turn he had to tell everyone who will listen that he was going to have a "Paw Patrol" birthday and that he would be 4.

Mr. E is such a great kid.  He loves his friends and regularly tells me that his Uncle G is his best friend (the 5 year age difference doesn't phase him one bit).  He loves to help with anything we will let him help with.  He has really started to come into his role as a big brother and sometimes plays well with Baby J.  The boy has a serious lack of "poker face," we always know when he is trying to hide something or when he's done something he knows he shouldn't.  He loves to compete... games, races, wrestling... as long as there can be a winner he's up for it-- and he is a pretty good winner and doesn't get too sore when he loses.  He is very affectionate and loves to snuggle up and watch a movie or show.  He loves to sing and picks up on music quickly.  He likes to hide whenever he hears someone coming, but he gets too giggly for it to be very effective.  He loves it when daddy's friends come over to sing music and gets out his guitar or drum set and microphone to join them-- he's even been on stage at a performance.  Mr. E and our Ginger puppy are still buddies and he has high hopes that, one day, she will sleep in his room with him every night.  His favorite color is red and he was thrilled that he got to play on a tee ball team with red shirts and hats (St. Louis Cardinals).  He really enjoyed tee ball in the spring and is still thankful for it every night.  He is spunky and busy and we love him so very much!

We celebrated with pizza, chocolate cake, ice cream, and presents.  Grandma and Grandpa H were there with all three of my brothers and my awesome sister-in-law, along with Great-Grandpa and Grandma E.  It was a quiet night, but fun and just what Mr. E wanted-- all the attention on him!

He is such a blessing in our home and definitely keeps us on our toes.

Mother's Day Milestones

Every woman who has had or wanted to have children anticipates certain milestones in regards to motherhood.  Milestones like those first two pink lines on a pregnancy test, the birth of her first child, that child's first birthday, first steps, first teeth, first words, etc. etc.  These milestones often mark successes and give reason to celebrate, even if it is only a small celebration.

Another milestone many women look forward to is their first Mother's Day.  For me it was an anticipated day, a day to reflect on the things I learned and experienced as a new mom, and how far my baby had come in the months since her birth.  I loved being able to celebrate Mother's Day with my Princess.  The next anticipated Mother's Day was the first after the car accident.  Yes, I was still a mommy, and always will be, but it was difficult to pass the day without Ethne.  I had anticipated a cute craft or scribbled coloring page from her nursery class (a church class for 18 mo-3 years), and maybe a messy breakfast in bed.  But instead I cried for missing my little girl.  There was no scribbled card or handprint craft, no little girl serving me chocolate toast.  It was a hard day.


The next Mother's Day milestone that I anticipated was seeing my kid(s) sing with the Primary in Sacrament Meeting.  In LDS Sunday worship we attend 3 hours of meetings.  The first of these is Sacrament meeting where we sing, pray, partake of the sacrament, and are taught by other members of the congregation.  Often during this meeting there is a special musical number, and it is a tradition of sorts that for Mother's Day the children ages 3-12 will sing special songs about mothers.  This has always been a favorite for me and from a young age I looked forward to the day that my children would join in this tradition.  The second Mother's day after the accident marked the first year that I should have had a child singing for Mother's day.  Instead of being in our own ward we were in Idaho visiting Lawrence's parents, so that eased the sting a little, but it was still hard to realize that I should have had a child singing.

So I waited to celebrate this milestone with Mr. E.

This year I finally got the experience of seeing one of my children sing with the primary for Mother's Day.  Mr. E walked himself up to the podium with the other children, found himself a spot right up front, then wandered away...  We spotted his sweet red head again when one of the older children stopped him and tried to hold him up, he didn't like this, so he was put down, and he wandered some more.  The music director told him to join the rest of the kids, and one of the speakers grabbed him and tried to hold him up again, and it didn't fly.  Finally he found a place up front near the microphone.  Lawrence and I watched this all unfold, anticipating him making a mad dash or grabbing hold of the microphone and yelling into it, while trying not to laugh.  Then they sang.  I don't know if Mr. E actually sang because we couldn't see his mouth, but just seeing him up there, joining in song with the other kids made my mommy heart so happy, almost to bursting.  I cried, happy tears, that I was finally getting to see one of my kids sing, and a little sad, that Ethne wasn't there to sing with them.  Edward got a little turned around when they finished and returned to their families, but he found us quickly and I gave him a great big, teary hug to which he replied "Put me down mommy, I want to color."

Some day I will get to see Ethne sing sweet songs for Mother's Day,  but until then I will revel in my silly, wandering little boy and wait for the days when Baby J will join his big brother to sing in sacrament meeting too.

The longer I'm a mom the more I realize that it is the little things that make the most meaningful memories, and watching my babies sing in church is definitely one of those little things.  I am so thankful for these sweet spirits that I have been trusted to care for and for all the little moments that make being a mommy so incredibly fulfilling.

Ethne was here

I've had a lot of what I call "Ethne was here" moments lately.  Moments when my boys do something so characteristically "Ethne" that I can't help but think of her.  Moments when I know that, even though Mr. E doesn't remember her, and Baby J never knew her in this life, I get a witness that they do know each other.  These moments are sweet tender mercies to me.

Chocolate toast

Snuggles on the couch with blanket and a pillow (or daddy)

hanging out on mommy and daddy's bed

Brave Samantha

March 20, 2015 marked the 69 anniversary of Grandma and Granddad's wedding.  They were able to celebrate it together, surrounded by family and loved ones that they haven't been able to celebrate with for some time.  Meanwhile, those of us left behind celebrated Grandma's life.

Despite this time of year being a busy time for Lawrence's work he was able to work out some time off so we were able to join the rest of the family for Grandma's funeral and a family reunion of sorts.  This reunion included Lawrence's sister, Heidi, and her family, who moved across the country over a year ago.  We haven't really gotten to spend time with them since they moved, so we were very excited to see them.

In the past I have shared that Heidi's oldest, Samantha, has a special place in my heart.  She is my first niece, Ethne's best friend, and a sweet and special little girl.  On this trip I was able to enjoy almost 5 whole days in her presence.  We talked, painted fingernails, read, listened to music, and snuggled.  I can never get enough time with this precious girl.

But sometimes it can be too much...





Being with Samantha can help fill the void I feel with Ethne's absence, but at the same time being with her also seems to make me feel that void more poignantly.  For a short time my arms are filled with a little girl, some of my time can be spent doing the things that I did or would be doing with Ethne, and I love that Heidi so willingly allows me this privilege and that Samantha is such a willing participant.  But all the same, she is not mine, I don't get to take her home with me, kiss her boo-boos, hold her as she sleeps, or many of the other things that mommies get to do with their little girls.

Time with Samantha got to be too much one night as we were in Idaho with everyone.  Marilyn (my mother-in-law), Samantha, and I were in the kitchen and Marilyn was talking to Samantha about how proud she was of her.  Marilyn talked to Samantha about school, making friends, and being brave (Samantha is notoriously timid).  Seeing Grandma and granddaughter having this heart-to-heart was more than I could take as I longed for my Princess to have that opportunity and to be there with me.  I went outside to have a good cry.

As I was outside crying I reflected on the conversation Samantha and Marilyn had been having, especially the part about being brave.  As I was thinking I heard a whisper in my mind that, at the times Samantha needs to be particularly brave, Ethne is by her side, helping her.  My mind saw a distinct picture of Samantha and Ethne holding hands, facing the scary world together.

Heidi and her family spent Monday night with us before flying home early Tuesday morning.  I got up and helped them gather their things, children, and get loaded into the car.  Just before they left I stole a quiet moment alone with Samantha.  I told her what Ethne had told me about helping her be brave.  Samantha smiled, nodded, and told me that she knew that Ethne has been with her and even  shared a specific experience with me.  It never ceases to amaze me how in tune this sweet niece of mine is and how close she and Ethne still are.

I am thankful for my testimony of life after this mortal existence and for experiences that bear witness of this truth to me.  I am thankful for loving family and the strength they lend to me.  I am so very thankful for Samantha and the bond she and Ethne still share and the way Samantha is able to share that bond with me.

Support

Sorry for my toddler-esque tantrum in my last post.  I needed to get those feelings off my chest and I promised myself that I would keep this blog real.  I don't want to hide the ugly parts of this journey, I want to share them so others will know that they are not alone when they have the same kinds of feelings.

I have to say that I would not be where I am today without the support of my family, friends, and even strangers.  Seeing that people are reading this blog makes me feel supported.  Phone calls, texts, cards and small gifts, especially on the hard days are especially supportive.  I feel supported by the power in prayers that many are still offering in our behalf.  I feel supported when someone cries with me, hugs, or even just listens to our story.  This support strengthens me and makes it possible for me to face the hard days, the not so hard days, and even the easier days.

My biggest support comes from Lawrence.  He listens to me, he encourages me, he prays for me, and most of all, he has stuck with me.  I'm sure there have been times that he has been frustrated with me, in fact I know there has been.  But despite it all he has stuck by my side, always holding my hand and walking through the haze with me.  He is stronger than me and I need that strength every day.  Before we dated we became friends.  While we were dating Lawrence grew to be my best friend.  When we got married he became my husband.  But he is so much more than that to me, he is all these and more.  Lawrence is everything to me, he is my husband, my best friend, my biggest supporter, my strength, and everything in between.  I am so very incredibly grateful that I was led to be in a position to meet Lawrence, date him, and marry him.  I am beyond grateful for his strength, his faith, and his support.



Thank you to everyone who has helped support us in any way.  Thank you for your continued prayers, thoughtful gifts, cards, and comments, and for your listening ears and reading eyes.  Thank you for lending us your strength when ours is failing.  And my biggest thanks to Lawrence for putting up with me and for carrying and sometimes dragging me along for these last three years, and for being willing to stick with me into eternity.

The First Few Days

A little over a year after Baby J's birth I have been reflecting.  I feel like I should share some of the experiences we had in the hospital after his birth and while he was in the NICU for the benefit of others.  Before I share, though, I want to make it clear that I appreciate every doctor and nurse that cared for us during this time.  Despite my frustrations (that will become evident hereafter), they were doing their jobs to the best of their abilities and trying not to make us worry too much.  Doctors and nurses have very difficult jobs and I truly appreciate them for all they do.  I feel I should also warm those who might be squeamish, there's some details about procedures that Baby J endured that might make you squirm.

about 36 hours old

Day 1, Dec. 26:  My water broke in the wee hours of the morning the day after Christmas.  When we arrived they got me right in and hooked up to iv and monitors quickly, when I was ready for my epidural they got the anesthesiologist came as quickly as he could.  He struggled getting the needle into the epidural space because he had me sitting up and my belly was just too big for me to bend enough to make the space big enough, but as soon as I laid down he got it right in.  The nurses were courteous and the delivering doctor was understanding of my special circumstances (not being allowed to push hard or for too long because of my carotid artery).  It was wonderful and very special to be able to hold Baby J immediately after he was born and they let me hold him for what seemed like a long time before they took him to clean and measure him, the even did his first APGAR test while I held him.  After he was cleaned and I was feeling like sitting up Baby J was very eager to eat and latched on right away.  They let him eat to his heart's content before they moved us to the mother baby room.

Day 2: I was anxious to get home, I don't like hospitals and just wanted to have my whole family together.  I figured that since his birth was so uneventful that we would be released in the afternoon/evening.  This was not to be when his pediatrician came to visit and learned that he had not pooped.  She told me that this was one of the requirements for babies to go home, and as disappointed as I was at the time, I now completely understand why.  This is about when problems started popping up.  Baby J had been nursing for short bursts about every 3 hours since his birth, but that suddenly stopped after 24-hours.  He wasn't really waking up to eat and when I tried to get him to nurse he just wasn't interested.  Baby J was gagging occasionally and soon he started spitting up yellow.  The nurses kept telling me that it was all fine as long as it didn't turn green and stayed in small amounts.  This is also when they started taking him to try and stimulate him and get him to go.  As the day progressed he continued to refuse to eat so we tried some other techniques, a nipple shield, pumping and then giving him the bottle, and S and N (nursing with a small tube attached to supplement with formula), and the lactation consultant came for a visit.  Then his spitting up increased and he still wouldn't eat.  The spit up turned green and had flecks of brown in it occasionally, I was very concerned by this point.  Every time he spit I called the nurses who came in and kept telling me (as if I was a first time mom and just didn't know) that spit up was completely normal and that the color was fine.  I kept insisting it was't and they kept trying to downplay my concerns, it was really frustrating.  I finally stopped calling them, they weren't listening to me and they were treating me like I didn't know what I was talking about.  Lawrence and my dad blessed him, I felt a little better.

anderson in his mouth to prevent spit-up iv in hand

Day 3:  They finally decided to do something.  The on-call pediatrician ordered an x-ray of his tummy to try and see what might be causing the problem.  The x-ray showed gas trapped in his bowels and that his colon was narrowed on the left side.  This is when they decided to send him to Primary's and the NICU.  Lawrence was out having a special breakfast with Mr. E.  They rushed back when I called with the news.  They told me that he would have to be transported either in a helicopter or ambulance.  That's when I lost it.  I basically begged the doctor not to send him in a helicopter, my mom was there, she explained why.  He went in an ambulance.  By the time the ambulance and the transport team arrived Baby J was rather dehydrated.  They had a difficult time getting an iv in him, it was really hard to watch them continuously poke my baby boy.  When we got to Primary's they gave us a very quick orientation, showed us how the NICU worked, where the pumping room was and where and how to store milk, then took Baby J for another x-ray.  Mom made me eat, Lawrence went with J.  The second x-ray they injected barium contrast into his bum to see if it would shed light on the situation.  It shed some light, but didn't give a definitive diagnosis.

that's an iv in his head, the one in his hand went bad

Day 4-7:  Were spent waiting.  Holidays tend to slow business processes down and hospitals are no exception, labs were running slower than usual.  J had an iv and a central line that were giving him fluids and nutrition and was having lots of wet diapers.  For about 24-hours after the barium x-ray his body slowly expelled most of the barium, but nothing else.  His nurses in the NICU were very compassionate and so wonderful to us.  We went home every night to sleep in our own bed and to let Mr. E sleep at home as well, he spent most of the days at Grandma and Grandpa's house playing with his uncles.  On day 5 they finally came and performed a biopsy of Baby J's rectum to make a final determination about what was causing his problem.  The results from this took two agonizing days.  Day 7 presented the official diagnosis of Hirschprung's Disease and we were given a plan of action.

Day 8:  Surgery day!  After the biopsy result the surgery resident explained to us that his surgery would be in two parts, one where they would find the "transition zone" where the ganglion nerve cells had formed and place an ostomy then he would have another surgery later to reconnect everything.  I was too dazed to ask the questions I should have asked about why they were doing the surgery in two parts and what the heck an ostomy was.  My mom knew what he was talking about (she was there with me at the time, Lawrence had to work, or had a cold, or maybe both), but I was feeling a little lost.  I wish I had asked.  On surgery day they took my baby to a place I wasn't allowed to go and we had to wait in a room full of other anxious parents.  They couldn't tell us how long the surgery would take because of the nature of it.  The way it worked is the surgeons took cell samples every few centimeters and sent them to be tested for the ganglion cells until they found the transition zone.  The length of the surgery was dependent on how long it took for the pathologists to get the results and how much of his intestine was effected. Lawrence made me eat, the cafeteria had blueberry pancakes and bacon.

Day 9-11:  More waiting.  We did make some friends while in the NICU, other parents with sick babies from all over.  One from Cedar City, another from Vegas.  It was good to have people to talk to during the long, quiet hours holding my baby with all his tubes and wires.  On day 10 they finally let him have milk through an NG tube (nasal gastric, up his nose and down to his belly). Little bits at a time to see how it would effect him and his digestion, gradually increasing until they decided he would be allowed to nurse.  Day 11 they had me do a lot of "teachings" that were required before he could go home.  There was a video on ostomy care and a CPR video, complete with creepy CPR dummy baby that we got to take home.  The wound care nurses also paid us a visit and talked about ordering supplies to take care of his ostomy.  Again, I wish I had asked more questions about what they were ordering for us and why because we wound up with things that we never used.

Day 12:  On our way up to the hospital Baby J's nurse called to ask if I could spend the night with him so they could evaluate how well he was nursing, I also feel like they wanted to check my competency (or something).  We were already half-way there and didn't want to turn around so I could gather supplies, so at lunch time we ran out and picked up a few things I would need for what we thought would be an overnight stay.  The wound care nurses came by again to give us a chance to change his ostomy bag and let us know where the supplies would be coming from, get insurance information, and our mailing address.  The first time changing his bag was nerve wracking, it's difficult to see part of your baby's insides on the outside and you want to be so gentle with them when all the nurse is telling you to do goes somewhat contrary to that.  J was also allowed to actually nurse by this point and he seemed anxious to do so, but was also a little lazy about it.  But he didn't like the bottle either...  Lawrence had to leave us since there wasn't room for us both in the family room and he had to work part of the next day.  I was stuck at the hospital, no car.  At some point during the night Baby J's monitors decided they didn't want to work properly and the computer started panicking and beeping every 5 minutes.  The sweet nurse fixed it, but it only lasted about 12 hours.  J's ostomy bag that I had just learned to replace also sprung a leak.  The night nurse didn't know how to apply a new bag so I got to try it by myself.  I was nervous and it took a couple tries, but I got one on, that promptly sprung a leak a few hours later...

Day 13:  What we thought was supposed to be an overnight stay was actually a 36-hour stay.  I was getting frustrated and anxious.  I didn't like being cooped up in the hospital without a car, I hadn't had a shower and didn't have clean clothes.  Lawrence brought me some clothes and a few other things for the second night.  Some time during the day the nurses got word that one of the former occupants of J's NICU room had tested positive for an antibiotic resistant bacteria and we had to take extra precautions to contain it.  This meant more hand washing and wearing a goofy gown until we were cleared.  This also made me even more anxious to go home.  Fortunately J's new bag stayed on all day.  I didn't sleep well this night because I started having flashbacks and dreams about my stay in the hospital after my car accident.

Day 14:  I was done.  Nurses and doctors had been telling me for days that he would eat better and gain weight better at home, but that he wasn't gaining enough weight yet to clear him to go home.  How contradictory!  I was on the verge of walking out with my baby whether they cleared him or not.  My mom talked some sense into me and told me to explain my frustrations to the doctors.  A lactation consultant and occupational therapist visited to make sure I was nursing properly and that J had a good latch and suck.  They both noted that everything looked great, just that he was a little lazy, and made the same comments about him doing better at home.  When the doctors came by for rounds I put my foot down.  I told them that I needed to take my baby home, that I was having flashbacks, and pointed out contradictory statements.  They made me promise to take him to the pediatrician to be weighed the next day (Friday) and the following Monday for weigh-ins and set up a home health nurse to check in on us too.  Then there was a car seat check to be sure he would breathe fine in the car seat and that the straps were adjusted properly.  We had to wait for Lawrence to get off work at 5, and we were free!

We were so happy to finally have our whole family together under the same roof.  We stopped to pick up Mr. E and my parents also supplied us with dinner.  Baby J was two weeks old and finally home!

Rainbow Baby

A rainbow baby, as defined by Urban Dictionary is a baby born after miscarriage or stillbirth, but most angel mommies define this as any baby born following a loss.  It is a reference to rainbows that form after a storm that bear the promise of brighter days ahead.

Baby J is our rainbow baby.

And what a rainbow he has been.




Sometimes there's a storm and then there's some calm when the sun shines and everything seems good, a rainbow even forms, but then the storm rears its ugly head again.  Baby J's arrival was much like that.

During my pregnancy I struggled both physically and emotionally.  My body was still in recovery mode and I hadn't gotten into as good of shape as I should have.  I had pain in my hips, especially my left hip, that made it difficult to sleep, bend, and even walk sometimes.  But worse than the physical pain was the emotional pain.  I struggled to allow this baby into my heart.  I tried, but it was much, much more difficult than I anticipated.  I knew that this baby was meant for us, that he could help at least put a bandage on my broken heart, but it was still so hard to let him do that.  Until he was born.

I remember the first words I said to/about Ethne, I think I even remember what I said to Mr. E.  I am most certain of the first words I said to Baby J, I sang "Bushel and a Peck" to him.  And in that moment I felt Ethne in the room with us.  I knew that she had escorted her brother into the world, and that she was there to help me open myself up to him.  For that moment the constant ache that started when Ethne passed away abated and was replaced with incredible love and joy.  For that moment all three of by babies were, at least in spirit, on this earth and very present, safe, and happy.  It was far to short-lived, but for a few days it was very easy to reflect on that feeling and to allow my sweet new baby into my heart.  This was the eye of our storm and that sacred, special moment was the biggest, brightest rainbow I have ever experienced.





Then they whisked him away.  Ok, it wasn't so much of a whisking as much as a slow process in which the nurses made me feel like an over-protective, clueless, first-time-mom and the doctors made me worry excessively before they finally determined something was very wrong and that my baby needed more specialized care.  The storm had returned.  Now I was left with an aching for my baby that was sick along with the permanent ache of grief for Ethne.  He was blessed, tested, poked, and monitored more times than I can remember.  When he was finally diagnosed a small weight was lifted from my shoulders, the storm lightened a little.  But my baby still had to endure surgery and recover.  Two very long weeks after his birth my Baby J was able to come home.  The storm was over and the rainbow was cast, nearly as bright as the rainbow at his birth.

I am so very much in love with my sweet, happy, and gentle baby boy.  I am so grateful for the experiences we have had with him, the bad and the good.  He is such a special and brave boy that has blessed our family in so many ways.  He is a miracle, in more ways than one, just like a rainbow after a storm.  His smile lights up a room.  His beautiful red hair and blue eyes, just like his sister's, draw everyone he meets in.  I am so very, very thankful for my rainbow baby, not only once, but twice!

Happy birthday, sweet Baby J.  Thank you for being our rainbow!

A Year in Review

My family never sent out an annual Christmas card, and I've yet to get into the habit.  So instead of mailing out a card I'll just write one here.

Our family has had one heck of a year with a new baby, surgeries, broken bones, and lots of new adventures.  Here's a little of what we've been up to.

This year started out with a scary diagnosis of Hirschprung's Disease for our newest addition, Baby J.  Before the diagnosis we knew nothing of this disease, but now I'd say that we know quite a bit and continue to learn more every day.  Baby J had a surgery to allow his intestines time to heal and his little body time to grow with a colostomy before he was given a pull-through surgery to allow his body to function in a more normal manner.  Since coming home from the NICU Baby J has been growing non-stop.  He is by far our chubbiest baby and we don't mind one bit.  He has such a fun personality!  He enjoys reading, playing, eating, and singing, but (unless he's tired or it's bed time) he isn't a super snuggle bug.  He sports the same red hair and blue eyes as his sister and has been a wonderful addition to our little family.






Mr. E has had a big year too.  This year he passed his sister in age and turned 3 and also got potty trained!  With the addition of Baby J he became a big brother, something he struggled with in the beginning, but is really coming into the roll well now.  He enjoys helping with Baby J, and sometimes tries to be another parent to him.  He has really enjoyed nursery and started going to a preschool group with some other kids in our neighborhood.  He loves school and asks to go every week.  He is looking forward to Sunbeams next year (I can't believe I will finally have a Sunbeam!) and already knows many primary songs.  His best buddies are his uncles, G and I, but he also has friends in preschool and nursery that he likes to play with.  Mr. E loves to swim, play games, read stories, snuggle, and be outside.  He enjoys visiting Ethne at the cemetery, but I think that's mostly because he usually gets to play at the park afterwards.  He loves anything furry, to the point of near abuse, and we wonder why our dog is always so happy to see him in the morning.  This boy sure keeps us on our toes with his quick wit and goofy imagination and we love every minute of it!

Lawrence keeps busy managing a Payless Shoe store.  He also plays with a band, Rythym Junction.  They released a CD this spring (you can find it on Amazon and iTunes) and are currently working on recording another one to be released some time next year.  He also still plays with the community symphony and other free-lance gigs when his schedule allows.  He enjoys his calling as a primary teacher, teaching the 7-8 year-olds and attending their baptisms.




I have had a busy year, keeping up with two crazy boys and our dog.  I started the year with a good number of flute students, but they all fell away during the summer.  At the end of the summer I had a small disagreement with a baby gate and some stairs and broke my right arm--it is healed and I am working on getting full range of motion back, but rest assured that I can play my flute.  When school started back up a local high school teacher recruited me to help with an army of sophomore flute players that descended on his band program this year--17 of them, in one class!  We split them up into two flute choirs and are preparing for their first concert coming up in a couple weeks.  It has been fun to be in a classroom again and working with these talented young women.  I also recently started a new blog of tips and resources for musicians and music teachers.  In October I took on the task of teaching Mr. E's preschool group and hosted a Halloween party for the cute kiddos and their mommies.  Somehow I have lucked-out and both boys take a long afternoon nap at the same time that gives me time to clean, sew, craft, blog, or sometimes even sleep!  I am so grateful for my husband who supports our family so I can be home to raise our boys, I definitely got the better end of that deal.

I am certain that Ethne continues to watch over us.  There are times when I can feel her presence very strongly.  For her birthday this year we invited friends, family, and strangers to participate in 5 acts of service in her memory.  It was a busy day and we could certainly feel the love of Ethne and of others as they participated in our challenge.

It has been a busy and productive year for all of us and we look forward to all the next year will bring.  We hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas and New year!

Baby J update

I haven't updated about Baby J in a while...

When Baby J was born and when he was diagnosed with HD we were so scared.  Scared that his HD would be worse than it is, scared that he would have other problems, and scared that he would not gain weight and grow as he should.  Facing a rare disease, or really anything new is scary.

I am happy to report that we feel very blessed.  Over the last 11 months we have watched Baby J learn and grow.  He has hit his milestones within the prescribed time, though admittedly a little slower than his older siblings.  Since being released from the hospital after his surgeries he hasn't had problems gaining weight.  He is happy, he is healthy, he is a squishy chunk of baby.

We watch him grow and feel a mix of happy and sad.  We want him to stay the squishy baby he is, but we are happy that he is doing so well.  After he was diagnosed we started to look at stories from other kids with HD and found that many of them struggle with a myriad of issues including poor weight gain, lots of infections, lots of food allergies or intollerances, chronic constipation, and others.  We feel so blessed that we haven't had to deal with many of these.

Yes, there are foods we avoid or haven't even tried to feed him in an effort to steer clear of some of these issues, and we are always on alert for others-- but it really is a miracle that Baby J is doing so great.  He eats better than his brother, he sleeps well, he army crawls faster than some trained soldiers, and, of course, he poops well too.  We celebrate every blow-out diaper, we relish each chubby roll of baby fat, and work for his bright smiles and contagious giggle.  I have never met a child who loves the game Peek-a-Boo as much as he does and he hates "This Little Piggy," it makes him cry.  He has taught us patience, perseverance, and the power of prayer and priesthood blessings.  He is truly a gift to our family and we are grateful for him every day!

How we celebrate

It may seem odd to those looking in, but we still celebrate Ethne's birthday every year.  It is a day for us to remember her and celebrate all the things we have learned from her short life and since.

I've mentioned that we use it as a day to celebrate our eternal family by attending the temple.  Many are aware of the service challenge we issued this year.  But we also do things Ethne enjoyed, we have cake, balloons, and sing "Happy Birthday."  This year Mr. E and I watched "Tangled," he picked it, he likes the "I Have a Dream" song, and it hit me particularly hard (more on that another time).  Then we all had chocolate toast for lunch.  I try to do something special that she would have liked with her cake, just as I do for my boys.  Last year it was a minion, this year I tried to make a butterfly out of cupcakes.  I also make sure to get a flavor that she would have enjoyed, this year it was red velvet and strawberry cheesecake (they screamed at me from the shelf that they were what Ethne would want).  There is a park next to the Herriman cemetery where Ethne rests, we meet there with any family that can and have cake.    Then we head over to the cemetery, leave balloons and often a small gift at her headstone, blow kisses, and send balloons to her in Heaven.  We also try to have a dinner that Ethne might have requested, after Lawrence and I got home from the temple and the boys were in bed we had one of Ethne's favorites, "cocorn" (popcorn).




Another way we remember is by looking through some of Ethne's special things that we keep in her chest.  Yesterday got a bit busy with service and celebrating so we didn't get to spend the time that we like to spend.  But while we ate our popcorn and Lawrence and I snuggled we did so under Ethne's quilt that Grandma Stone made for her, and hugged her "ephant."  We talked about Ethne and remembered her together.


It really was a wonderful day and I am thankful it was so full of so much goodness.  I know it's a few days late, but happy birthday, Princess!

Their acts of love

While we were busy showing love to others by serving and giving others were busy serving and giving to us.  We were recipients of 5 acts of service from others yesterday.

1.  When I started backing out of my garage to deliver freezer meals in the morning I looked in my mirror to find a car in my driveway.  It was a dark grey color so my first thought was that it was our second car, but I quickly realized that Lawrence was at work and therefore it could not be our car.  I put my SUV in park and got out to find a couple neighbors with a small veggie tray for me.  They also delivered yummy veggies to some others they thought would use a pick-me-up.  We hugged, chatted, and went on our own ways.  The veggies were super yummy and really hit the spot both yesterday as a snack and today with lunch.  Thank you!!


2.  When I got home from the freezer meal delivery I found lovely flowers on my doorstep from my visiting teachers.  They brightened my day and now brighten my kitchen.  Thank you, ladies, for thinking of me and my family!















3.  UPS pulled up in front of our house and delivered a book about life after losing a loved one.  My maternal grandmother sent it to me, I knew it was coming, but not when.  I found it appropriate that it was delivered on Ethne's birthday.  Thank you Grandma!






4.  While I was busy frosting Ethne's cupcakes I heard some voices outside my front door.  I chose to ignore them until my over-protective dog (not that she's threatening at all) herd them and started barking rather hysterically.  I tried to shush her, to no avail.  I peeked throughout the window at the top of my front door to spot hands busily taping hearts to our storm door.  I chose to leave them to their work and I returned to my cupcakes.  I don't know who "heart attacked" us, but I just love it and plan to leave the hearts on the door for the time being.  Every time I see them it makes me smile.  Thank you, whoever you are!








5.  We were a little lackadaisical about finding a babysitter for our temple visit.  I tried a cousin, but she had to work, I asked about young women in our ward, but it was mutual night with a meeting about trek, my parents were coming to the temple with us, J&J had to work-- nothing was working out.  So I started calling friends and neighbors.  Our lovely backyard neighbors were graciously willing to watch our boys for us.  They are awesome neighbors and great friends.  They watched our boys, weren't upset that we wound up in a later session than we intended to go to, and even took in our crazy dog that escaped our yard (our fence is rather ineffective at the moment) to check on the boys (like I said, over-protective).  Thank you so much, it really meant a lot that you disrupted your evening so we could go to the temple!

our not so threatening dog

Thank you everyone for your service and especially to those who served us, it really meant a lot that you were thinking of us and helping make Ethne's birthday special and that much sweeter for us.

Our acts of love

We issued the challenge, so it is only fair that we follow through and participate in it too.  We performed 5 acts of love to celebrate for our princess.  It made the day one of goodness and sharing rather than of sadness and mourning.  These acts of service and love helped us feel Ethne close to us and made a hard day much easier.  So here's what we did:

1.  Considering that Ethne's birthday falls on Veterans' day (a U.S. holiday to celebrate and thank all those who serve and have served in the armed forces) we thought it would be appropriate to do something for the troops.  I heard about an organization that sends care packages to those serving abroad and thought that would be a great way to go.  This organization collects leftover Halloween candy and puts it into care packages for the service men and women.  They also request hygiene items such as toothbrushes, toothpaste, floss, mouthwash, etc. along with the packages of candy.  So we gathered up our leftover candy, the majority of Mr. E's stash, and the traded candy from my younger brothers (they got legos instead) to make a total of 12.5 pounds of candy!  Then I added some dental floss and some mouthwash strips (those Listerine things that clear your sinuses for a week), packaged it all up and sent it off on Monday.  Added bonus-- we don't have all that candy sitting around to hinder our efforts to eat healthier.

2.  If you read this blog regularly then you know about little Ethan who recently passed away after a very long battle with Leukemia.  What you may not know is that his sweet mom is pregnant with baby #7 and is due at the end of the month.  I remember what it was like after Ethne passed (granted our situations are different).  There were days, especially after the help quit coming, that I just didn't want to get out of bed, much less think about making dinner.  I knew that my family needed to eat, but when you are grieving it is sometimes difficult to even think about the necessities.  Those were the days that I was most grateful for my sweet aunts, grandmother, and mother who had gotten together shortly after the accident and made me a whole bunch of freezer meals-- I had so many that there wasn't room in my freezer for them all and I had to store some at my parents' house.  I also very recently had a baby and remember well the exhaustion and busyness of a new baby.  Pair the two together and I'm not sure what I would have done.  With all this in mind I got to work and put together a handful of freezer meals for Ethan's family.  It really didn't take me long to get them all together, but I'm sure it will save Ethan's mom lots of time in the future when she is too tired to even think.  I dropped those off to her yesterday morning.  We were able to have a nice, short talk and give each other a hug that said more than any dinners ever could.  I am so grateful to know Ethan and his family and so thankful that I had the opportunity to help them in this small way.

3.  This is something I do kind of regularly, but it has been a few months since the last time I have done it and we thought it very appropriate to take bracelet sets up to Primary Children's on Ethne's birthday.

4.  This is another something that Lawrence and I do regularly, and have done every year on Ethne's birthday since she passed away, but still, it is service, and some of the best service we can give.  Shortly after Ethne's passing we determined to make her birthday a day to celebrate out eternal family rather than a day to be sad.  Yes we miss Ethne terribly, and days like her birthday can be more difficult than other days, but we try.  We gather as much of our family as we can and go participate in an endowment session at the temple.  We also encourage our family that is far away to participate in their nearest temple.  The temple is one of the places we can feel Ethne's spirit best, so we especially feel it is an appropriate place to go on her birthday.  We also know that we are helping others who have passed before us and that we are helping Ethne as she is teaching and serving others on the other side of the veil (to learn more about LDS temples just click).  This year we were able to attend with my (Melissa's) parents and paternal grandmother.  We were sad that more weren't able to attend with us, but understood that work schedules can be hard to get around.  The session was made sweeter when my sister, Jessica's, brother and his wife were also in attendance and Lawrence's dad's cousin and her husband were also there.  It was really neat to see extra friends and family there, even if they didn't really know the significance of the day for us.

5.  Last, but certainly not least, we purchased gifts that we would have given Ethne and donated them
to the Road Home in Salt Lake.  I probably should have planned a little better as this didn't go over quite the way I had hoped for it to, but it was good nonetheless.  We purchased an outfit, a couple toys, and also took a bracelet set.  We hope that the girl(s) who receive these items can feel as loved and as special as Ethne is to us.

We took our boys along with us on all of these projects, except for the temple, and I hope that they can see us serving others and learn to serve as well.  We did make sure that Mr. E knew we were going to the temple and why we were going, he really wanted to go with us so we promised him that he could go when he is older and that we would take him to walk around the temple soon.

One last note:  I cannot take full credit for this challenge.  Several months ago my mom saw someone ask for acts of service for their birthday.  She called me and suggested that we try the same kind of thing for Ethne's birthday.  I'll admit that I had been thinking about our family doing service on her birthday this year, but I hadn't thought about inviting others to join us.  So I just have to say thank you to my mom for the suggestion, it really turned out well!

P.S. This is an official heads up, start planning 6 acts of service for next year.

Birthday Wishes

Here are some of the acts of service some of our friends and family have participated in to honor Ethne:

We are doing operation Christmas child through Samaritan's Purse for 1 boy and 1 girl ages 5-9. In honor of Ethne. Love you guys!♡

I didn't do anything very special, but I did rescue a dog who was wandering around the streets, bring it home and then find his owners and return him. I also babysat for a couple who are pregnant- I didn't accept payment. They needed a date before the new baby came. I unplugged a single mom's sink, and I sent out a card to my aunt for thanksgiving. My last act of service, today, is smiling. I'm going to smile at everyone I see today. :)

Hello :)

We all really thought a lot about what we wanted to do for service.  We all came up with something that we felt made us think of Ethne and something that would carry her sweet spirit beyond just today.

We decided to make bracelets that will be donated to Shade Tree (battered women and children's shelter) and Child Haven.  When children are removed from their homes (for various reasons) these bracelets are given to them by police officers, fire fighters, and Child Protective Services.  The bracelets are something they can call their own and something that brightens their day.  We will also be donating some to the troops to pass out to children who are victims of bombings in war torn countries.  Our goal was for each of us to make 5 tonight for Family Home Evening.  It was such a great night with an amazing spirit!! The kids loved it and I had to force them to stop and go to bed.  We have 30 bracelets and the kids think they can easily double that number tomorrow.  Thanks for giving us the inspiration we needed to get the service ball rolling!!  I know the bracelets will be loved!!

I have a lady in my neighborhood that needs childcare, but can't pay for it. I am a licensed in-home daycare provider. I am providing her with free child care for 3 months in honor of your Ethne

We think of Ethne many times and in many different ways but it has been special to think of her as I have helped the missionaries with special tasks and concerns the last few days and today.  I won't list them but now I will always think of Ethne in connection with service, helping others.  Ethne will always have a special place in our family and we look forward to being with her again.  I like to think that she is able to be with us at special times.  

And a few blogs:

http://elizasownlittleworld.blogspot.com/2014/11/on-this-very-special-day.html

http://mylife-plana.blogspot.com/2014/11/a-day-for-remembering.html

http://kathrynlesliestone.blogspot.com/2014/11/a-special-day-of-remembrance.html

More tomorrow.

Bottle Them Up

The BFG gathers dreams

Today was a wonderful day.  I got a lot done that I needed to get done.  It may not look like it from the outside, but I promise I did.  This morning started a little crazy with my brother coming over and a meeting for a small job (THANK YOU to the wonderful neighbor who took on three crazy boys for me!!).  Then it was a nap for Baby J and I had plans to do laundry and clean.

But Mr. E had other plans.  I had to complete a few things for the small job so I sat with Mr. E and did them.  While I worked he snuggled up next to me and pulled up a blanket.  I was sold.  A movie came on the Disney channel so we snuggled.  Mr. E told me that he likes mommy snuggle time, so we snuggled some more.  Lunch time came and I thought about feeding my boy, but I didn't want to ruin the moment.  It got to be a little late, so I started to get up, only to find that Mr. E had fallen asleep.  Now I really didn't want to move.


Then I heard noises coming from upstairs.  J was waking up.  I soaked up just a little bit more of the sweet, sleepy snuggles from my big boy (snapped a selfie), then pried myself away.  Baby J and I had some rare alone time while Mr. E snoozed.

I did eventually feed Mr. E, then we ran a couple errands.  J had another nap when we got home and Mr. E begged for more snuggles.  Who was I to turn that down?

I had to cut the snuggles short and make dinner.  I got three freezer meals made, plus dinner for tonight.  Usually Mr. E is under foot while I cook, but tonight he let me do what I needed to do and even helped a little when I asked.

After dinner we played and watched Dancing with the Stars (all three of us).  Then we had the easiest and most cooperative bed time we have had in weeks.  I don't think I yelled, lost my cool, or got overly frustrated once the entire day.  I may not have gotten the laundry all done, or my kitchen cleaned, but I am certain that I got everything done that I really needed to.  It was like my boys knew that tomorrow is going to be a tough day and they wanted to make it a little easier.

I just wish I could take days like today and bottle them up.  I wish I could store them on a shelf so that, on the really hard days, I could open them up and be reminded of just how sweet it is to be loved by the precious gifts that are my children.  I wish I could open bottles of days with Ethne so I could feel her squishy little self, smell her sweet smell, her her beautiful laugh, and watch her goofy run.  I wish I had bottles of all the best days to remind me of the things I have to look forward to.  I wish I had bottles, so that when I'm old and my memory starts to fail I won't ever forget the most precious times.

I am so thankful for the blessings of each of my children and especially grateful for days like today.