Including Angels in Christmas

I have often seen newly bereaved parents ask how they can incorporate their angel children into holidays and particularly, Christmas.  Here are just a few ideas

1) We have this poem that belonged to Grandma and Grandad Burt, it sits on our piano at Christmas time:

Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below.
Please wipe away the tear,
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sound of music can’t compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring
For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not so far away we really aren’t apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know how I hold you dear.
And be so glad I’m spending time with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent each of you a memory of my undying love,
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told;
Please love and keep my commandments as my Father said to do,
For I count the blessings of love he has for each one of you.
So have a merry Christmas and wipe away the tear,
Remember I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I love having this as a reminder that Ethne and Thomas are never far and that thy are in the best place they can be at this time of year.  (I can't find an author for this so if anyone knows please tell me).

2) That first Christmas after Ethne died I felt so lost.  This was supposed to be a happy time, but I was so sad and empty.  Mr. E was still so young and, while he was a huge light, it was still so hard.  For my own sanity I decided to say no to all the things, parties, family gatherings, Christmas day visits, I just didn't have it in me.  We needed a way to remember and honor Ethne, while keeping Christmas a happy time for Mr. E, we needed somewhere for the love to go.  So Lawrence suggested that we purchase gifts for her, and donate them.  The first few years we just dropped toys and clothes into donation boxes, but we started adopting a girl, about Ethne's age, off a local angel tree and it feels much more personal.  We try to include grandparents in this, if they are interested, and we also have our living children help with choosing gifts.  It's a small way to help them remember, and to share our extra love with others.  Last year we started including Thomas in this tradition as well.




3) Purchase, hang, or make a tree ornament in memory of your child.  Each year we get ornaments that represent something fun we have done or that represents each member of our family and hang them all on the tree.  It is fun sharing memories each year, and the boys love seeing all their ornaments and hanging them.  We get ornaments for Ethne and Thomas as well.  To remember who each ornament belongs to we mark each one with an initial and the year.

4) Decorate at the cemetery.  Last year I posted on instagram (or facebook, or some other social media) about how we used to get pretty extravagant with decorating Ethne's headstone, and how I was scaling back and keeping it simple.  For some simple works, but or others it is a sincere act of love to go all out decorating a loved-one's headstone or grave for holidays and Christmas in particular.  I say you do you, and don't let anyone tell you that you are wrong.  If a tree with ornaments and lights is right for you, go right ahead, if a simple tinsel garland or nativity does the trick, then leave it at that; and if you find that it changes from one year to the next that's okay too, just do what makes you feel like you have honored your child.

4) Acts of service in their name.  Some people prefer acts of service over gift giving in their child's memory.  Things such as food drives, clothing drives, blood drives, serving meals at a soup kitchen, and so much more are often done in the memory of angels.

5) Monetary donations in a loved one's name are another great way to remember a child.  Donate to a cancer foundation, or a not-for-profit children's hospital, a private school, or a ballet school.  Choose something that was or would have been meaningful to your child and give what you can.

6) Hang a stocking, or other decoration for your child.  My mom made beautiful stockings for each of my children, Ethne and Thomas included, and we hang them every year.

7) We believe in Eternal families, that we will be reunited with Ethne and Thomas after we die, and we will get a chance to raise them when Christ returns.  In order to receive these blessings there are things we must do, and covenants we must keep, so each year we set goals to help us keep our covenants and draw closer to Jesus Christ, who makes it all possible.  Goals like studying our scriptures more diligently, attending the temple more regularly, or memorizing the Articles of Faith.  We write these goals down and place them in Ethne and Thomas's stockings as symbolic gifts to them.  Even if you don't have these same beliefs you can set goals to live a better life by serving those around you, being more patient, loving yourself better, and more and give these as symbolic gifts to your child(ren).


This list is not exhaustive by any means, but it is a place to start.  Please remember that everyone grieves differently and if nothing feels right to you, keep searching for that something that does and never let anyone tell you that you're doing it wrong.  Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself time and space to grieve in what ever ways work for you.  I hope this can give those seeking ways to honor their loved ones this season some ideas and can help bring some peace.

Hiatus

It' been a while.

It's not that things have been particularly busy, more that I've struggled to find words to express the things I've wanted to say.  I'm still struggling.  In spite of that I know it is time to post something.

Ethne's birthday is in two weeks.  It's a day I look forward to and dread at the same time.  I'm excited for our service activities and to hear from others about what they are doing to love and serve others, but I'm also saddened that I am facing another (of many) birthdays for my Princess who is not physically here.

As I contemplate the acts of service we will participate in this year and the "celebration" I can't help but think about my boys.  I so want them to know their sister.  I need for them to understand who she
was, and still is, but they are so young.  Sometimes I feel like I am failing at this.  Mr. E knows who she is in pictures, and we often tell him that she lives with Jesus, which I think has confused him (he often calls Ethne Jesus when identifying her).  When I try to talk to him about her I often wonder if he's listening, or if he's just tuning me out.  And sometimes he changes the subject very quickly on me.  It hurts sometimes.  I try to tell him how much Ethne loves him, and what she did for him, but some times I get the impression that he just doesn't care.  I realize that he is only 4 and that much of this is beyond his comprehension, but that doesn't make it any easier.  I just wish I knew how to help him understand.  Baby J really doesn't understand, but then he doesn't really talk much either, so he can't tell me if he does.  I just need so badly for them to know their sister and I don't know how to help them.  I can only hope that some day they will understand and that these birthdays and angelversaries will come to mean something to them too and not just be days when mommy cries a lot.

I'm still not entirely sure what our 6 acts of love will be this November 11, but I know that they will be healing, in a way.  We will attend the temple, visit the cemetery, and have cake, that much I know.  As for the rest... we will have to see.  Lawrence and I would like to invite everyone who would like to join us in providing 6 acts of love for others during the week of Ethne's birthday.  They don't have to be anything big, things as simple as smiling at someone you wouldn't typically smile at can make a big difference.  We loved hearing about the things others did last year, it was like getting long-distance hugs from those who shared with us, and we will look forward to it again this year.  Help us celebrate the life of Ethne and the love that she so willingly gave and bring some of that love to those around you.  We will be doing the same.

Our acts of love

We issued the challenge, so it is only fair that we follow through and participate in it too.  We performed 5 acts of love to celebrate for our princess.  It made the day one of goodness and sharing rather than of sadness and mourning.  These acts of service and love helped us feel Ethne close to us and made a hard day much easier.  So here's what we did:

1.  Considering that Ethne's birthday falls on Veterans' day (a U.S. holiday to celebrate and thank all those who serve and have served in the armed forces) we thought it would be appropriate to do something for the troops.  I heard about an organization that sends care packages to those serving abroad and thought that would be a great way to go.  This organization collects leftover Halloween candy and puts it into care packages for the service men and women.  They also request hygiene items such as toothbrushes, toothpaste, floss, mouthwash, etc. along with the packages of candy.  So we gathered up our leftover candy, the majority of Mr. E's stash, and the traded candy from my younger brothers (they got legos instead) to make a total of 12.5 pounds of candy!  Then I added some dental floss and some mouthwash strips (those Listerine things that clear your sinuses for a week), packaged it all up and sent it off on Monday.  Added bonus-- we don't have all that candy sitting around to hinder our efforts to eat healthier.

2.  If you read this blog regularly then you know about little Ethan who recently passed away after a very long battle with Leukemia.  What you may not know is that his sweet mom is pregnant with baby #7 and is due at the end of the month.  I remember what it was like after Ethne passed (granted our situations are different).  There were days, especially after the help quit coming, that I just didn't want to get out of bed, much less think about making dinner.  I knew that my family needed to eat, but when you are grieving it is sometimes difficult to even think about the necessities.  Those were the days that I was most grateful for my sweet aunts, grandmother, and mother who had gotten together shortly after the accident and made me a whole bunch of freezer meals-- I had so many that there wasn't room in my freezer for them all and I had to store some at my parents' house.  I also very recently had a baby and remember well the exhaustion and busyness of a new baby.  Pair the two together and I'm not sure what I would have done.  With all this in mind I got to work and put together a handful of freezer meals for Ethan's family.  It really didn't take me long to get them all together, but I'm sure it will save Ethan's mom lots of time in the future when she is too tired to even think.  I dropped those off to her yesterday morning.  We were able to have a nice, short talk and give each other a hug that said more than any dinners ever could.  I am so grateful to know Ethan and his family and so thankful that I had the opportunity to help them in this small way.

3.  This is something I do kind of regularly, but it has been a few months since the last time I have done it and we thought it very appropriate to take bracelet sets up to Primary Children's on Ethne's birthday.

4.  This is another something that Lawrence and I do regularly, and have done every year on Ethne's birthday since she passed away, but still, it is service, and some of the best service we can give.  Shortly after Ethne's passing we determined to make her birthday a day to celebrate out eternal family rather than a day to be sad.  Yes we miss Ethne terribly, and days like her birthday can be more difficult than other days, but we try.  We gather as much of our family as we can and go participate in an endowment session at the temple.  We also encourage our family that is far away to participate in their nearest temple.  The temple is one of the places we can feel Ethne's spirit best, so we especially feel it is an appropriate place to go on her birthday.  We also know that we are helping others who have passed before us and that we are helping Ethne as she is teaching and serving others on the other side of the veil (to learn more about LDS temples just click).  This year we were able to attend with my (Melissa's) parents and paternal grandmother.  We were sad that more weren't able to attend with us, but understood that work schedules can be hard to get around.  The session was made sweeter when my sister, Jessica's, brother and his wife were also in attendance and Lawrence's dad's cousin and her husband were also there.  It was really neat to see extra friends and family there, even if they didn't really know the significance of the day for us.

5.  Last, but certainly not least, we purchased gifts that we would have given Ethne and donated them
to the Road Home in Salt Lake.  I probably should have planned a little better as this didn't go over quite the way I had hoped for it to, but it was good nonetheless.  We purchased an outfit, a couple toys, and also took a bracelet set.  We hope that the girl(s) who receive these items can feel as loved and as special as Ethne is to us.

We took our boys along with us on all of these projects, except for the temple, and I hope that they can see us serving others and learn to serve as well.  We did make sure that Mr. E knew we were going to the temple and why we were going, he really wanted to go with us so we promised him that he could go when he is older and that we would take him to walk around the temple soon.

One last note:  I cannot take full credit for this challenge.  Several months ago my mom saw someone ask for acts of service for their birthday.  She called me and suggested that we try the same kind of thing for Ethne's birthday.  I'll admit that I had been thinking about our family doing service on her birthday this year, but I hadn't thought about inviting others to join us.  So I just have to say thank you to my mom for the suggestion, it really turned out well!

P.S. This is an official heads up, start planning 6 acts of service for next year.

Birthday Wishes

Here are some of the acts of service some of our friends and family have participated in to honor Ethne:

We are doing operation Christmas child through Samaritan's Purse for 1 boy and 1 girl ages 5-9. In honor of Ethne. Love you guys!♡

I didn't do anything very special, but I did rescue a dog who was wandering around the streets, bring it home and then find his owners and return him. I also babysat for a couple who are pregnant- I didn't accept payment. They needed a date before the new baby came. I unplugged a single mom's sink, and I sent out a card to my aunt for thanksgiving. My last act of service, today, is smiling. I'm going to smile at everyone I see today. :)

Hello :)

We all really thought a lot about what we wanted to do for service.  We all came up with something that we felt made us think of Ethne and something that would carry her sweet spirit beyond just today.

We decided to make bracelets that will be donated to Shade Tree (battered women and children's shelter) and Child Haven.  When children are removed from their homes (for various reasons) these bracelets are given to them by police officers, fire fighters, and Child Protective Services.  The bracelets are something they can call their own and something that brightens their day.  We will also be donating some to the troops to pass out to children who are victims of bombings in war torn countries.  Our goal was for each of us to make 5 tonight for Family Home Evening.  It was such a great night with an amazing spirit!! The kids loved it and I had to force them to stop and go to bed.  We have 30 bracelets and the kids think they can easily double that number tomorrow.  Thanks for giving us the inspiration we needed to get the service ball rolling!!  I know the bracelets will be loved!!

I have a lady in my neighborhood that needs childcare, but can't pay for it. I am a licensed in-home daycare provider. I am providing her with free child care for 3 months in honor of your Ethne

We think of Ethne many times and in many different ways but it has been special to think of her as I have helped the missionaries with special tasks and concerns the last few days and today.  I won't list them but now I will always think of Ethne in connection with service, helping others.  Ethne will always have a special place in our family and we look forward to being with her again.  I like to think that she is able to be with us at special times.  

And a few blogs:

http://elizasownlittleworld.blogspot.com/2014/11/on-this-very-special-day.html

http://mylife-plana.blogspot.com/2014/11/a-day-for-remembering.html

http://kathrynlesliestone.blogspot.com/2014/11/a-special-day-of-remembrance.html

More tomorrow.

Ethne's 5th

With Ethne's birthday fast approaching I would like to make a request.  Each birthday that we miss we have felt a hole.  We miss buying presents and throwing a party for our Princess.  We visit the cemetery, have cake and ice cream, and send her balloons, but without her smiling face and happy hugs it's just not the same.

Ethne loved everyone and loved to show people how she loved them.  So with this in mind we would like to ask a favor.  In order to better celebrate Ethne's 5th birthday, and to better feel her presence we would like to invite anyone who would like to participate to preform 5 acts of service in the week leading up to and on her birthday, November 11.

We will be serving also and will make a post about it after her birthday.  We would love to share your stories too.  So, if you feel so inclined as to participate in our week of birthday service please take pictures and email us with your stories and we will share them too.  lmeestone@gmail.com  Thank you for helping us make this birthday for Ethne an Ethne kind of day by showing love to those around you!