Word for the Year

As the new year rolled in I saw many friends and family members sharing their word for the year.  Each was a sort of mantra or affirmation to remind each person of their goals and desires for the coming year.  Words such as simplify, kindness, gratitude, organize, hope, and love are just a few examples of words my friends have chosen to represent this year.  We had mentioned choosing a family mission statement or word for 2019, but when we had our goal setting Family Home Evening we forgot about it (think creating vision boards with three kids... more on that later).  The idea had stuck with me, though, and for a few days I rolled it around in my head, trying to think of a phrase or word that could represent the things I/we want to accomplish this year.

One of my goals is to complete a 30 day yoga journey via a youtube channel called "Yoga with Adrienne" (it's a free channel and she has many wonderful videos of gentle and customizable yoga practices that anyone can follow along with).  This is a challenge she has done on her channel every January for at least the last 3 years.  I did most of last year's 30 days and really enjoyed it, so I decided to try again this year.  Each day has a focus.  The focus for day 2 was "Foundation" the practice was all about building a strong body foundation for safety and health, and strong foundational breathing.  As I followed along I got to thinking, building a strong foundation is exactly what I am trying to accomplish with many of my goals this year.  Through better eating and exercise I am building a better foundation in my body, through more consistent scripture study and temple attendance I am building a stronger foundation for my faith, by building a business and supporting my husband in his business goals I am building a better financial foundation for my family, and so on.  So there I had it, my word for the year, Foundation.  When I shared it with Lawrence he agreed that it was a great word and asked if we could use it as our word for the year for the whole family, I whole heartily agreed to share.

Word cloud created at WordArt.com

I look forward to this year of focussing on building foundations, personally and as a family by working together for gospel learning, education, family togetherness, health, and business.  I look forward to helping my children and husband strengthen their foundations as they support me in my building also.  Here's to a new year, to new experiences, and to building firmer foundations!

Do you choose a word or mantra for your year?  What are your goals?

Simply Blessed

When I was growing up we never really did a lot with the whole Easter Bunny thing.  We got simple baskets with a few treats in them, there was usually a family egg hunt with cousins, but the notion of a colorful rabbit that left these surprises never really took center stage in our Easter celebrations.  We focussed more on Christ, the Atonement and Resurrection.  For this I am very grateful.

I have been striving to make Easter similar in my own home.  This year we decided to read from a wonderful board book that tells the story of Easter, starting with Christ's triumphal entry into Jerusalem and ending with his visit to the people in the Americas after his resurrection.  We read a couple pages each day and ended perfectly on Sunday.  After finishing this book I had a very strong desire to take my kids visit the Christus statue at the visitor's center on Temple Square.

Larry and Marilyn were in town again to visit us and we spent two busy, but wonderful days with them on Saturday and Sunday, then met for our traditional pancakes Monday morning.  Afterwards we made our way downtown.  I was so very thankful that Lawrence had taken the day off and was able to drive as the weather was less than ideal (wet, heavy snow).  We made a few stops on our way to Temple Square, then we were off the the North Visitors center.



Mr. E thought that the paintings on the walls up to the Christus were really neat, then he spied the statue.  He walked a few laps around the base, Baby J right behind, then I got down on the floor with them and talked to them about Christ and the nail prints in His hands and feet.  We talked about how we love Jesus and he loves us.  Then we took a family picture with the statue and explored the rest of the visitors center.  Mr. E grew tired of our constant asking him about the subjects in the multitude of paintings on the walls, replying often with "I already told you, it's Jesus!"  We corrected him when he was mistaken, and tried to share the stories portrayed with him.  There soon came a point when it was clear that the boys were done with this activity and we decided to head to the car.

As we crossed Temple Square to the parking garage I followed a little way behind Lawrence and the kids, taking pictures and enjoying seeing my boys walking hand-in-hand in this special place.  As I watched my sweet children point at and admire the temple I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the blessings of the temple and my family.  I am so very blessed to have a wonderful, hard-working, loving, and kind husband who is sealed to me for all eternity and is determined to keep that covenant.  I am blessed to have two smart, energetic, sweet, silly, and loving boys who love to learn and to play. These boy are also mine for eternity because of the covenants Lawrence and I made in the temple.  I am blessed to have a mortal body that can create and sustain life, despite the discomforts I have experienced in pregnancy.  I am so very blessed to feel this sweet new life growing and moving inside me.  I am also very blessed to have my angel, Ethne, in heaven, who is also mine for all eternity.  These simplest blessings in my life are the ones that make me feel the most blessed, they are the blessings I am most thankful for.

Hiatus

It' been a while.

It's not that things have been particularly busy, more that I've struggled to find words to express the things I've wanted to say.  I'm still struggling.  In spite of that I know it is time to post something.

Ethne's birthday is in two weeks.  It's a day I look forward to and dread at the same time.  I'm excited for our service activities and to hear from others about what they are doing to love and serve others, but I'm also saddened that I am facing another (of many) birthdays for my Princess who is not physically here.

As I contemplate the acts of service we will participate in this year and the "celebration" I can't help but think about my boys.  I so want them to know their sister.  I need for them to understand who she
was, and still is, but they are so young.  Sometimes I feel like I am failing at this.  Mr. E knows who she is in pictures, and we often tell him that she lives with Jesus, which I think has confused him (he often calls Ethne Jesus when identifying her).  When I try to talk to him about her I often wonder if he's listening, or if he's just tuning me out.  And sometimes he changes the subject very quickly on me.  It hurts sometimes.  I try to tell him how much Ethne loves him, and what she did for him, but some times I get the impression that he just doesn't care.  I realize that he is only 4 and that much of this is beyond his comprehension, but that doesn't make it any easier.  I just wish I knew how to help him understand.  Baby J really doesn't understand, but then he doesn't really talk much either, so he can't tell me if he does.  I just need so badly for them to know their sister and I don't know how to help them.  I can only hope that some day they will understand and that these birthdays and angelversaries will come to mean something to them too and not just be days when mommy cries a lot.

I'm still not entirely sure what our 6 acts of love will be this November 11, but I know that they will be healing, in a way.  We will attend the temple, visit the cemetery, and have cake, that much I know.  As for the rest... we will have to see.  Lawrence and I would like to invite everyone who would like to join us in providing 6 acts of love for others during the week of Ethne's birthday.  They don't have to be anything big, things as simple as smiling at someone you wouldn't typically smile at can make a big difference.  We loved hearing about the things others did last year, it was like getting long-distance hugs from those who shared with us, and we will look forward to it again this year.  Help us celebrate the life of Ethne and the love that she so willingly gave and bring some of that love to those around you.  We will be doing the same.

Our acts of love

We issued the challenge, so it is only fair that we follow through and participate in it too.  We performed 5 acts of love to celebrate for our princess.  It made the day one of goodness and sharing rather than of sadness and mourning.  These acts of service and love helped us feel Ethne close to us and made a hard day much easier.  So here's what we did:

1.  Considering that Ethne's birthday falls on Veterans' day (a U.S. holiday to celebrate and thank all those who serve and have served in the armed forces) we thought it would be appropriate to do something for the troops.  I heard about an organization that sends care packages to those serving abroad and thought that would be a great way to go.  This organization collects leftover Halloween candy and puts it into care packages for the service men and women.  They also request hygiene items such as toothbrushes, toothpaste, floss, mouthwash, etc. along with the packages of candy.  So we gathered up our leftover candy, the majority of Mr. E's stash, and the traded candy from my younger brothers (they got legos instead) to make a total of 12.5 pounds of candy!  Then I added some dental floss and some mouthwash strips (those Listerine things that clear your sinuses for a week), packaged it all up and sent it off on Monday.  Added bonus-- we don't have all that candy sitting around to hinder our efforts to eat healthier.

2.  If you read this blog regularly then you know about little Ethan who recently passed away after a very long battle with Leukemia.  What you may not know is that his sweet mom is pregnant with baby #7 and is due at the end of the month.  I remember what it was like after Ethne passed (granted our situations are different).  There were days, especially after the help quit coming, that I just didn't want to get out of bed, much less think about making dinner.  I knew that my family needed to eat, but when you are grieving it is sometimes difficult to even think about the necessities.  Those were the days that I was most grateful for my sweet aunts, grandmother, and mother who had gotten together shortly after the accident and made me a whole bunch of freezer meals-- I had so many that there wasn't room in my freezer for them all and I had to store some at my parents' house.  I also very recently had a baby and remember well the exhaustion and busyness of a new baby.  Pair the two together and I'm not sure what I would have done.  With all this in mind I got to work and put together a handful of freezer meals for Ethan's family.  It really didn't take me long to get them all together, but I'm sure it will save Ethan's mom lots of time in the future when she is too tired to even think.  I dropped those off to her yesterday morning.  We were able to have a nice, short talk and give each other a hug that said more than any dinners ever could.  I am so grateful to know Ethan and his family and so thankful that I had the opportunity to help them in this small way.

3.  This is something I do kind of regularly, but it has been a few months since the last time I have done it and we thought it very appropriate to take bracelet sets up to Primary Children's on Ethne's birthday.

4.  This is another something that Lawrence and I do regularly, and have done every year on Ethne's birthday since she passed away, but still, it is service, and some of the best service we can give.  Shortly after Ethne's passing we determined to make her birthday a day to celebrate out eternal family rather than a day to be sad.  Yes we miss Ethne terribly, and days like her birthday can be more difficult than other days, but we try.  We gather as much of our family as we can and go participate in an endowment session at the temple.  We also encourage our family that is far away to participate in their nearest temple.  The temple is one of the places we can feel Ethne's spirit best, so we especially feel it is an appropriate place to go on her birthday.  We also know that we are helping others who have passed before us and that we are helping Ethne as she is teaching and serving others on the other side of the veil (to learn more about LDS temples just click).  This year we were able to attend with my (Melissa's) parents and paternal grandmother.  We were sad that more weren't able to attend with us, but understood that work schedules can be hard to get around.  The session was made sweeter when my sister, Jessica's, brother and his wife were also in attendance and Lawrence's dad's cousin and her husband were also there.  It was really neat to see extra friends and family there, even if they didn't really know the significance of the day for us.

5.  Last, but certainly not least, we purchased gifts that we would have given Ethne and donated them
to the Road Home in Salt Lake.  I probably should have planned a little better as this didn't go over quite the way I had hoped for it to, but it was good nonetheless.  We purchased an outfit, a couple toys, and also took a bracelet set.  We hope that the girl(s) who receive these items can feel as loved and as special as Ethne is to us.

We took our boys along with us on all of these projects, except for the temple, and I hope that they can see us serving others and learn to serve as well.  We did make sure that Mr. E knew we were going to the temple and why we were going, he really wanted to go with us so we promised him that he could go when he is older and that we would take him to walk around the temple soon.

One last note:  I cannot take full credit for this challenge.  Several months ago my mom saw someone ask for acts of service for their birthday.  She called me and suggested that we try the same kind of thing for Ethne's birthday.  I'll admit that I had been thinking about our family doing service on her birthday this year, but I hadn't thought about inviting others to join us.  So I just have to say thank you to my mom for the suggestion, it really turned out well!

P.S. This is an official heads up, start planning 6 acts of service for next year.

10:20 am

Sweet Ethan returned to the loving arms of his Father in Heaven this morning. My heart breaks for the loving family he has left behind but I am also so very grateful for temples and eternal families.

In His time

Apparently I have to keep learning this lesson, that things I want/need happen in the Lord's time and not necessarily in my time.

After high school and upon starting college I was anxious to get married and start a family of my own.  I dated quite a bit and was even engaged at one time, but that didn't work out and I was incredibly disappointed at the time.  But had that worked out I wouldn't have met Lawrence and we wouldn't have the beautiful family we have now.  Marriage didn't work out exactly when I wanted it to, but when I needed it to, and with the person that I need(ed) in my life.  The Lord knew this even though I didn't.  I am beyond grateful for Lawrence and our temple marriage.  He is a hard working provider, a wonderful father, and my best friend.

G and I wrestling

Growing up I was happy with my one brother, but I always thought it would have been fun to have more siblings.  My parents considered adoption when I was younger, but it never felt right to them.  It was finally right when I was a junior in high school and about 18 months later our family was blessed with my brother G.  He is such a great example to my kids and a really proud uncle.  Then they did foster care and went through a handful of children who were eventually reunited with their biological families until I came into our lives.  He is a happy, busy (super, extra busy) boy who fits right in and loves my babies too.  I is also a little younger than Ethne and I'm sure my parents had always thought that their kids would be older than their grandkids, but both Ethne and I joined our family when they were meant to.

When I was pregnant with Ethne my mom found out that she had a tumor on her pituitary gland and would have to have it removed.  Travel was difficult, she was sick, and I was scared and a little helpless to do anything for her.  Ethne was born four days before her due date.  This allowed my parents to come see her and us to visit my parents for Thanksgiving, before my mom had to have her surgery.  It was such a blessing to me to be able to see my mom and for my baby to meet her Grandma.  My mom is fine now and the tumor was benign, but that was a scary time for all of us.  Ethne's birth allowed us time together and gave us something else to think about when we were all consumed with worry about my mom.

Through my entire pregnancy with Baby J I was certain he would come early.  Both my other two were early, so this boded well for me.  I was determined that he would be born before Christmas.  The last month or so I was done.  I was tired, sore, big, and beyond ready to have this baby.  It had been the most difficult of my three pregnancies with some morning sickness, soreness that I hadn't had before, and I was also battling with emotions that I hadn't experienced before.  I prayed that he would come so I could be more comfortable and have less pain.  So when contractions started coming pretty regularly on Dec. 21 I was thrilled.  But it wasn't to be.  After going to the hospital twice in 24 hours only to make very little progress and have the contractions stop, my hopes were dashed all over the floor.  Little did I know that this was a blessing in disguise.  Five days later, on the 26, my water broke and the contractions were unmistakable, Baby J made his entrance.  I was excited to spend as little time in the hospital as possible and take my late Christmas present home to his brother.  But you know how well that worked out.  Again, I was beyond disappointed that my baby was sick and wouldn't be coming home on my schedule.  It was also frustrating to sit around the hospital and wait for the holiday lag to pass so we could get tests done and find out results so we could know what was wrong with our baby.  Had Baby J been born much earlier we would be paying a lot more for his surgeries and hospital stays, also if he had been diagnosed sooner.  Our insurance last year wasn't the best, but it covered enough for the last 4 days of last year that we weren't left with too many out of pocket expenses.  Our insurance that kicked in on January 1 had a reasonable deductible and not too bad of an out of pocket max (both of which we have met).  Had Baby J been diagnosed sooner the other insurance had a higher deductible and no OOPM.  While it meant that I was uncomfortable a few days longer than I really wanted to be Baby J came just when the Lord needed him to come.  Even though there have been a lot of bumps along the way, I'm glad he came when he did and thankful that someone who can see the grand scheme of things knew when his arrival would be best for our family.

I'm sure that I will continue to be taught this lesson, and I will continue to look for the blessings that come from things happening in the Lord's time and not always in mine.

2 years, 2 months, 26 days

817 days-ish (I'm not super good at math).  Today is the day that marks Ethne being gone as long as she was here, tomorrow will be day 818, and she will have been gone one day longer than she was here, and so on and so forth.  Today I will think about the short time I had with my sweet Princess and the things I have learned from her.  Please forgive me for my rambling...

I remember finally figuring out what her name meant/where it came from, I was still pregnant at the time.  It is the name of a celtic goddess of fire.  When I told my dad he said "You know this means she's going to have red hair."  I laughed it off, thinking that there was no way we'd get a red head, boy was I wrong!  It was the first thing I noticed about her when the nurses laid her on my chest after she was delivered, I couldn't believe it.

Having Ethne while we were still in school was hard, but I wouldn't change it.  She was my ray of sunshine after a tough day at school.  She was a social butterfly and loved to talk to people in the hall when she was at school with us, sometimes even getting upset at those who walked by without saying hello to her.  She showed me a different, softer side of my husband.  She taught me about love and patience.  She brought a very special spirit into our home.  She taught me to find joy in the little things and that slowing down to just read a story or play is always time well spent.  She taught me how to be a mommy and how to love more deeply.  She had a never-ending patience with me as I tried to figure this whole mommy thing out and was always ready with a big hug and kiss whenever I needed one.


I will forever cherish the six months the three of us lived in one bedroom in my in-laws' home, sharing a bed most nights, her little body snuggled tightly against me.  I hold dear memories of snuggling on the couch sharing my favorite childhood movie, "The Little Mermaid," with her.  I still laugh at the way she picked up her giant piece of cake on her first birthday to suck off the bright red frosting.  I think fondly of date nights at Grandma and Grandad Burt's house, playing cards and nursing, and eventually watching Ethne run around with Grandad's cane.  I miss our nightly sing-a-long, prayers, and stories, snuggled in her big girl bed that was once mine.  I miss the patter of her feet as she would bring me princess shoes and dress ups to help her with.  There are still days that I wake up expecting to see her sweet face perched at the edge of my bed, her little finger pressed to mine or Lawrence's nose.  I love how excited she would get to go play with her uncles every day.  I love the way Uncle Gabe just adored her and the way she would yell and tattle on "Igac."  I smile as I watch Mr. E get excited to see his daddy come home and I remember the way Ethne would run to the door to greet him, then turn tail and run away, giggling the whole time (Mr. E isn't quite as good at the running away thing).


But she didn't stop teaching me the day she left this mortal life.  I learn something from her every day.  Sometimes it's something I think I have already learned, but I need to learn it again.  Sometimes it is something about me, sometimes it is something about Mr. E, sometimes it is something about life, or even the Gospel.  I have learned to be more compassionate and to mourn with others.  I have learned even more patience.  I have learned endurance and perseverance.  I have learned the importance of temple covenants, prayer, and scripture study.  I have learned the value of a moment and a memory.  I have learned to treasure each moment with my kids, even the ones that seem obnoxious, because one day I will miss them.  I have learned to be a better mom, to yell less, and let go of some things that aren't worth the fight.  I have learned to always tell my babies (and my husband) how much I love them, because you just never know.

I miss my princess every day and I am grateful that I can continue to learn from her as she continues on her heavenly mission that will be much longer than her mortal life.  I will miss her every day until I see her again and can wrap my arms around her.

Celebrating Ethne's Birthday

So the day is almost over and I haven't written anything myself about remembering Ethne yet.  I haven't even made a post in a while; but today I do want to talk about what we do to remember our special girl on this great day.

We started on Saturday with a trip to the Jordan River Temple.  We decided that we need to go to the temple every year as a family.  We were joined by Melissa's family as we attended the temple and took time to feel closer to heaven.  While waiting in the chapel, the organist started playing Families Can Be Together Forever and I felt a big stirring of emotions that I hadn't felt in a while.  I began feeling closer to Ethne, while at the same time missing her so deeply because she felt so far away.  As we continued through the session, it seemed undeniable that she was there with us.  I also felt that there were other family members and ancestors in attendance with us.  One of those was my granddad who passed away earlier this year.  Granddad is also a WWII vet and has been on my thoughts quite a bit today as well.

We took some time in the Celestial room after the session and I took some time to meditate and reminisce about Ethne and the many things I have learned since Ethne has died, and also the memories that she left behind.

After the session we got a call from my parents who had gone to the Rexburg Temple the same night.  The felt inspired to go to do a sealing session.  When the got up to the sealing room they discovered that the sealer officiating that night was Karl Edwards, the identical twin brother of Melissa's grandfather.  They told Bro. Edwards that they were there to celebrate Ethne's birthday.  During the session he asked if he could tell the other couples why they were there.  He told about Ethne's passing and how important it is for us to go to the temple and have an eternal family so that we can be reunited.  My mom also pointed out that Uncle Karl was officiating that night, and that when Melissa and I had gotten married it was his identical twin brother--Melissa's grandfather--that had sealed us in the first place. (Side note: although that day is a blur, if I remember right, Uncle Karl was also the one who helped me give Edward a blessing when we arrived at the hospital after the accident). 




Today, the 11th, I had to be to work by noon and we had things that we wanted to do to celebrate before I did.  We went to the store and picked up some balloons and took them to the cemetery to release.  We also asked Mr. E to pick out some flowers and a stuffed animal.  After not picking either I picked a flower he had motioned to at one point and went to check out.  While checking out, he picked up another flower and brought it to me as well.  We got both of them and a stuffed cat that said "Happy Birthday" on it.  We went out to Ethne, tied one ballon to a decoration and we each released another balloon.  We then all sat down and had a family prayer.

We grabbed some lunch on the way home where we opened up the memory chest my our family gave to us at Christmas to go through some things that we have held onto to remind us of Ethne.  Mostly clothes and a few toys, and an unplayable DVD of Robots that she once wanted to watch so badly she tried to shove it on the DVD player while another DVD was in it already.  Doing so scratched it so badly that it could never be watched again.

These are the types of things we plan on doing every year on Nov. 11th.  Not only a day when we remember the brave veterans who defend the cause of liberty and freedom, but a day that we celebrate our eternal family.