The Pregnancy

Baby girl made her arrival at the end of May, but considering I've been MIA since April I thought I'd back track a little before sharing about her arrival and name.

I always wanted to have a big family.  I had plans for 3-5 kids, while Lawrence always said 3-5 boys and however many girls it took to get there.  After the accident I struggled with the decision to have more children.  I was terrified of losing another baby.  After talking it over with Lawrence and lots of prayer we decided to move ahead and get pregnant with J.  Then there were complications with J.  We were so happy to have him, and he has been a great (strong-willed and often frustrating, but sweet and fun) addition to our family.  I was really content.  My two boys were active and kept me on my toes, and I love them very much.  I felt like I could be done and be really happy, and I probably could have.  We had been discussing having another baby, but I was just unsure.  My pregnancy with J wasn't the easiest and I was concerned about having another HD baby, plus I was really happy with just my two boys.  Lawrence told me that it was my decision, that he would support me in whatever I decided, but he wanted me to be really sure.  He encouraged me to fast and pray about it.  So I did.  Soon I had my answer, there was a little girl waiting to join our family (more another time).  Soon thereafter we found out I was expecting again.

I've never really struggled with the morning sickness that plagues so many women while pregnant, and I count myself very lucky, but I have had other pregnancy issues.  When I was pregnant with Baby J I struggled physically with some very unpleasant pelvic/hip pain.  When I asked my doctor about it he said it was a normal pregnancy symptom and gave me a pain killer for the days it got bad.  After J's complications I was concerned with taking pain medication again, so I was pretty determined to find an alternative, should I face this problem again.  It showed up pretty early this time around, and there were days when I couldn't walk or move much because it hurt so bad and over-the-counter medicines didn't come close to helping.  I researched possible causes and methods to help relieve the pain and asked for help from some friends.  My doctor offered me pain killers, but I was pretty determined not to use them. So I started physical therapy just as I was entering my third trimester.  As much as I'd like to say it made the pain go completely away, it didn't, but it did improve some.  The therapist knew me from after the accident and I think it helped that he was familiar with my previous injuries.  I still had some pain, but the pt helped strengthen my muscles and ligaments enough that it was more bearable, it also helped keep my pelvic bones properly aligned (which was part of the problem).

Emotionally I was more prepared for the struggles I might face and they really weren't as bad as they were with Baby J.  I did have a few minor breakdowns, that mostly revolved around feeling overwhelmed by housework.  It also helped that Lawrence had a new job and was home more through this pregnancy than he was with J's.  He loves this new job and it only has him working 40-45 hours/week rather than the 50-60+ he was working most weeks before.  Having that support at home was really crucial to my emotional well-being.


I tried harder this pregnancy than I have before to keep my weight under control and I managed to only gain about 35-40 pounds.  I didn't have a big problem with swelling, until the last month or so.  Then in the last month and a half I started to notice my blood pressure gradually increasing.  About three weeks before my due date it crossed into the danger zone.  This was also the time that my doctor informed me that he was leaving for a two week vacation.  He offered to schedule an induction for me for his first day back.  I discussed it with Lawrence and decided that it was a good plan.  At my next appointment my blood pressure was even higher and I was showing other symptoms of pre-eclampsia, the NP (that I saw in my doctor's absence) told me to watch for swelling, drink more water, and rest as much as possible.  The induction was scheduled for the following Friday.

Simply Blessed

When I was growing up we never really did a lot with the whole Easter Bunny thing.  We got simple baskets with a few treats in them, there was usually a family egg hunt with cousins, but the notion of a colorful rabbit that left these surprises never really took center stage in our Easter celebrations.  We focussed more on Christ, the Atonement and Resurrection.  For this I am very grateful.

I have been striving to make Easter similar in my own home.  This year we decided to read from a wonderful board book that tells the story of Easter, starting with Christ's triumphal entry into Jerusalem and ending with his visit to the people in the Americas after his resurrection.  We read a couple pages each day and ended perfectly on Sunday.  After finishing this book I had a very strong desire to take my kids visit the Christus statue at the visitor's center on Temple Square.

Larry and Marilyn were in town again to visit us and we spent two busy, but wonderful days with them on Saturday and Sunday, then met for our traditional pancakes Monday morning.  Afterwards we made our way downtown.  I was so very thankful that Lawrence had taken the day off and was able to drive as the weather was less than ideal (wet, heavy snow).  We made a few stops on our way to Temple Square, then we were off the the North Visitors center.



Mr. E thought that the paintings on the walls up to the Christus were really neat, then he spied the statue.  He walked a few laps around the base, Baby J right behind, then I got down on the floor with them and talked to them about Christ and the nail prints in His hands and feet.  We talked about how we love Jesus and he loves us.  Then we took a family picture with the statue and explored the rest of the visitors center.  Mr. E grew tired of our constant asking him about the subjects in the multitude of paintings on the walls, replying often with "I already told you, it's Jesus!"  We corrected him when he was mistaken, and tried to share the stories portrayed with him.  There soon came a point when it was clear that the boys were done with this activity and we decided to head to the car.

As we crossed Temple Square to the parking garage I followed a little way behind Lawrence and the kids, taking pictures and enjoying seeing my boys walking hand-in-hand in this special place.  As I watched my sweet children point at and admire the temple I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the blessings of the temple and my family.  I am so very blessed to have a wonderful, hard-working, loving, and kind husband who is sealed to me for all eternity and is determined to keep that covenant.  I am blessed to have two smart, energetic, sweet, silly, and loving boys who love to learn and to play. These boy are also mine for eternity because of the covenants Lawrence and I made in the temple.  I am blessed to have a mortal body that can create and sustain life, despite the discomforts I have experienced in pregnancy.  I am so very blessed to feel this sweet new life growing and moving inside me.  I am also very blessed to have my angel, Ethne, in heaven, who is also mine for all eternity.  These simplest blessings in my life are the ones that make me feel the most blessed, they are the blessings I am most thankful for.

Housekeeping

So it has been a while... again.  Let's just say that I have been distracted, in a good way.

We have had many big blessings come our way in the last few months.

Lawrence was working in a retail management job that wasn't treating him very well.  He was promised that he'd only have to work one Sunday a month and it wound up being nearly every Sunday, every month.  He was also working 60+ hours every week and not getting paid any kind of overtime because he was salaried.  We missed him at home and he missed us.  He was also uncomfortable with some of his working conditions, so he started looking around and found something that suits him much better.  The new company he is with is closed on Sundays, so he is home and gets to go to church with us every week. He is also only working 40-45 hours each week and they treat the employees much better.  He started this new job just a few days before Ethne's birthday.  He is much happier with his work, and we are much happier to have him around more.

J's HD remains under control and he is very healthy.  We have adjusted our diet to include more high fiber foods, to help keep J's tummy happy, such as whole wheat and it has helped all of us be a little healthier.  We were a little concerned about his lack of verbal communication for a while, but his vocabulary has recently taken off and he loves yelling at everyone to stop doing things he doesn't like.  Mr. E has also ben very healthy this winter and we feel very lucky that none of us has been hit with any of the really bad illnesses that go around this time of year.






We've been lucky to have some fun visits with Lawrence's parents in the last few months.  In October we went up to Idaho to be with Eliza when she went through the temple for her mission and also for a cousin's wedding.  Then, just two weeks later Marilyn and Larry were back in Utah to take Eliza to the MTC.  Just before Christmas we spent Lawrence's birthday with them.  We had a great dinner at Texas Roadhouse then birthday presents for him and Baby J, and quick Christmas gifts as well.  Then they flew out to visit Heidi's family in Maryland for Christmas and we saw them when they came back.  Each time they were in town we met for breakfast at a local restaurant and now Mr. E asks to go get pancakes with "Grandma and Grandpa with the kitties" on a weekly basis.  It has been wonderful to see them and spend so much time with them in the last several months.

Last, but certainly not least, on Sept. 21 we found out that there will be a new minion joining our family sometime about June 2.  For several weeks Mr. E was convinced that there was not just one, but two babies in mommy's tummy, but an ultrasound quickly put that to bed and showed only one tiny baby kicking around in there.  On Jan. 12 I was able to have another ultrasound and we found out the gender of the baby.  We are all very excited, especially Mr. E, that this new baby is a GIRL!  I feel her moving quite a bit now and Mr. E loves to kiss and hug my belly and talk to his new sister (J is pretty clueless) and he loves to tell anyone who asks all about her.

We have been feeling very blessed to be busy and happy.

Mother's Day Milestones

Every woman who has had or wanted to have children anticipates certain milestones in regards to motherhood.  Milestones like those first two pink lines on a pregnancy test, the birth of her first child, that child's first birthday, first steps, first teeth, first words, etc. etc.  These milestones often mark successes and give reason to celebrate, even if it is only a small celebration.

Another milestone many women look forward to is their first Mother's Day.  For me it was an anticipated day, a day to reflect on the things I learned and experienced as a new mom, and how far my baby had come in the months since her birth.  I loved being able to celebrate Mother's Day with my Princess.  The next anticipated Mother's Day was the first after the car accident.  Yes, I was still a mommy, and always will be, but it was difficult to pass the day without Ethne.  I had anticipated a cute craft or scribbled coloring page from her nursery class (a church class for 18 mo-3 years), and maybe a messy breakfast in bed.  But instead I cried for missing my little girl.  There was no scribbled card or handprint craft, no little girl serving me chocolate toast.  It was a hard day.


The next Mother's Day milestone that I anticipated was seeing my kid(s) sing with the Primary in Sacrament Meeting.  In LDS Sunday worship we attend 3 hours of meetings.  The first of these is Sacrament meeting where we sing, pray, partake of the sacrament, and are taught by other members of the congregation.  Often during this meeting there is a special musical number, and it is a tradition of sorts that for Mother's Day the children ages 3-12 will sing special songs about mothers.  This has always been a favorite for me and from a young age I looked forward to the day that my children would join in this tradition.  The second Mother's day after the accident marked the first year that I should have had a child singing for Mother's day.  Instead of being in our own ward we were in Idaho visiting Lawrence's parents, so that eased the sting a little, but it was still hard to realize that I should have had a child singing.

So I waited to celebrate this milestone with Mr. E.

This year I finally got the experience of seeing one of my children sing with the primary for Mother's Day.  Mr. E walked himself up to the podium with the other children, found himself a spot right up front, then wandered away...  We spotted his sweet red head again when one of the older children stopped him and tried to hold him up, he didn't like this, so he was put down, and he wandered some more.  The music director told him to join the rest of the kids, and one of the speakers grabbed him and tried to hold him up again, and it didn't fly.  Finally he found a place up front near the microphone.  Lawrence and I watched this all unfold, anticipating him making a mad dash or grabbing hold of the microphone and yelling into it, while trying not to laugh.  Then they sang.  I don't know if Mr. E actually sang because we couldn't see his mouth, but just seeing him up there, joining in song with the other kids made my mommy heart so happy, almost to bursting.  I cried, happy tears, that I was finally getting to see one of my kids sing, and a little sad, that Ethne wasn't there to sing with them.  Edward got a little turned around when they finished and returned to their families, but he found us quickly and I gave him a great big, teary hug to which he replied "Put me down mommy, I want to color."

Some day I will get to see Ethne sing sweet songs for Mother's Day,  but until then I will revel in my silly, wandering little boy and wait for the days when Baby J will join his big brother to sing in sacrament meeting too.

The longer I'm a mom the more I realize that it is the little things that make the most meaningful memories, and watching my babies sing in church is definitely one of those little things.  I am so thankful for these sweet spirits that I have been trusted to care for and for all the little moments that make being a mommy so incredibly fulfilling.

Support

Sorry for my toddler-esque tantrum in my last post.  I needed to get those feelings off my chest and I promised myself that I would keep this blog real.  I don't want to hide the ugly parts of this journey, I want to share them so others will know that they are not alone when they have the same kinds of feelings.

I have to say that I would not be where I am today without the support of my family, friends, and even strangers.  Seeing that people are reading this blog makes me feel supported.  Phone calls, texts, cards and small gifts, especially on the hard days are especially supportive.  I feel supported by the power in prayers that many are still offering in our behalf.  I feel supported when someone cries with me, hugs, or even just listens to our story.  This support strengthens me and makes it possible for me to face the hard days, the not so hard days, and even the easier days.

My biggest support comes from Lawrence.  He listens to me, he encourages me, he prays for me, and most of all, he has stuck with me.  I'm sure there have been times that he has been frustrated with me, in fact I know there has been.  But despite it all he has stuck by my side, always holding my hand and walking through the haze with me.  He is stronger than me and I need that strength every day.  Before we dated we became friends.  While we were dating Lawrence grew to be my best friend.  When we got married he became my husband.  But he is so much more than that to me, he is all these and more.  Lawrence is everything to me, he is my husband, my best friend, my biggest supporter, my strength, and everything in between.  I am so very incredibly grateful that I was led to be in a position to meet Lawrence, date him, and marry him.  I am beyond grateful for his strength, his faith, and his support.



Thank you to everyone who has helped support us in any way.  Thank you for your continued prayers, thoughtful gifts, cards, and comments, and for your listening ears and reading eyes.  Thank you for lending us your strength when ours is failing.  And my biggest thanks to Lawrence for putting up with me and for carrying and sometimes dragging me along for these last three years, and for being willing to stick with me into eternity.

Rainbow Baby

A rainbow baby, as defined by Urban Dictionary is a baby born after miscarriage or stillbirth, but most angel mommies define this as any baby born following a loss.  It is a reference to rainbows that form after a storm that bear the promise of brighter days ahead.

Baby J is our rainbow baby.

And what a rainbow he has been.




Sometimes there's a storm and then there's some calm when the sun shines and everything seems good, a rainbow even forms, but then the storm rears its ugly head again.  Baby J's arrival was much like that.

During my pregnancy I struggled both physically and emotionally.  My body was still in recovery mode and I hadn't gotten into as good of shape as I should have.  I had pain in my hips, especially my left hip, that made it difficult to sleep, bend, and even walk sometimes.  But worse than the physical pain was the emotional pain.  I struggled to allow this baby into my heart.  I tried, but it was much, much more difficult than I anticipated.  I knew that this baby was meant for us, that he could help at least put a bandage on my broken heart, but it was still so hard to let him do that.  Until he was born.

I remember the first words I said to/about Ethne, I think I even remember what I said to Mr. E.  I am most certain of the first words I said to Baby J, I sang "Bushel and a Peck" to him.  And in that moment I felt Ethne in the room with us.  I knew that she had escorted her brother into the world, and that she was there to help me open myself up to him.  For that moment the constant ache that started when Ethne passed away abated and was replaced with incredible love and joy.  For that moment all three of by babies were, at least in spirit, on this earth and very present, safe, and happy.  It was far to short-lived, but for a few days it was very easy to reflect on that feeling and to allow my sweet new baby into my heart.  This was the eye of our storm and that sacred, special moment was the biggest, brightest rainbow I have ever experienced.





Then they whisked him away.  Ok, it wasn't so much of a whisking as much as a slow process in which the nurses made me feel like an over-protective, clueless, first-time-mom and the doctors made me worry excessively before they finally determined something was very wrong and that my baby needed more specialized care.  The storm had returned.  Now I was left with an aching for my baby that was sick along with the permanent ache of grief for Ethne.  He was blessed, tested, poked, and monitored more times than I can remember.  When he was finally diagnosed a small weight was lifted from my shoulders, the storm lightened a little.  But my baby still had to endure surgery and recover.  Two very long weeks after his birth my Baby J was able to come home.  The storm was over and the rainbow was cast, nearly as bright as the rainbow at his birth.

I am so very much in love with my sweet, happy, and gentle baby boy.  I am so grateful for the experiences we have had with him, the bad and the good.  He is such a special and brave boy that has blessed our family in so many ways.  He is a miracle, in more ways than one, just like a rainbow after a storm.  His smile lights up a room.  His beautiful red hair and blue eyes, just like his sister's, draw everyone he meets in.  I am so very, very thankful for my rainbow baby, not only once, but twice!

Happy birthday, sweet Baby J.  Thank you for being our rainbow!

Baby J update

I haven't updated about Baby J in a while...

When Baby J was born and when he was diagnosed with HD we were so scared.  Scared that his HD would be worse than it is, scared that he would have other problems, and scared that he would not gain weight and grow as he should.  Facing a rare disease, or really anything new is scary.

I am happy to report that we feel very blessed.  Over the last 11 months we have watched Baby J learn and grow.  He has hit his milestones within the prescribed time, though admittedly a little slower than his older siblings.  Since being released from the hospital after his surgeries he hasn't had problems gaining weight.  He is happy, he is healthy, he is a squishy chunk of baby.

We watch him grow and feel a mix of happy and sad.  We want him to stay the squishy baby he is, but we are happy that he is doing so well.  After he was diagnosed we started to look at stories from other kids with HD and found that many of them struggle with a myriad of issues including poor weight gain, lots of infections, lots of food allergies or intollerances, chronic constipation, and others.  We feel so blessed that we haven't had to deal with many of these.

Yes, there are foods we avoid or haven't even tried to feed him in an effort to steer clear of some of these issues, and we are always on alert for others-- but it really is a miracle that Baby J is doing so great.  He eats better than his brother, he sleeps well, he army crawls faster than some trained soldiers, and, of course, he poops well too.  We celebrate every blow-out diaper, we relish each chubby roll of baby fat, and work for his bright smiles and contagious giggle.  I have never met a child who loves the game Peek-a-Boo as much as he does and he hates "This Little Piggy," it makes him cry.  He has taught us patience, perseverance, and the power of prayer and priesthood blessings.  He is truly a gift to our family and we are grateful for him every day!

How we celebrate

It may seem odd to those looking in, but we still celebrate Ethne's birthday every year.  It is a day for us to remember her and celebrate all the things we have learned from her short life and since.

I've mentioned that we use it as a day to celebrate our eternal family by attending the temple.  Many are aware of the service challenge we issued this year.  But we also do things Ethne enjoyed, we have cake, balloons, and sing "Happy Birthday."  This year Mr. E and I watched "Tangled," he picked it, he likes the "I Have a Dream" song, and it hit me particularly hard (more on that another time).  Then we all had chocolate toast for lunch.  I try to do something special that she would have liked with her cake, just as I do for my boys.  Last year it was a minion, this year I tried to make a butterfly out of cupcakes.  I also make sure to get a flavor that she would have enjoyed, this year it was red velvet and strawberry cheesecake (they screamed at me from the shelf that they were what Ethne would want).  There is a park next to the Herriman cemetery where Ethne rests, we meet there with any family that can and have cake.    Then we head over to the cemetery, leave balloons and often a small gift at her headstone, blow kisses, and send balloons to her in Heaven.  We also try to have a dinner that Ethne might have requested, after Lawrence and I got home from the temple and the boys were in bed we had one of Ethne's favorites, "cocorn" (popcorn).




Another way we remember is by looking through some of Ethne's special things that we keep in her chest.  Yesterday got a bit busy with service and celebrating so we didn't get to spend the time that we like to spend.  But while we ate our popcorn and Lawrence and I snuggled we did so under Ethne's quilt that Grandma Stone made for her, and hugged her "ephant."  We talked about Ethne and remembered her together.


It really was a wonderful day and I am thankful it was so full of so much goodness.  I know it's a few days late, but happy birthday, Princess!

Their acts of love

While we were busy showing love to others by serving and giving others were busy serving and giving to us.  We were recipients of 5 acts of service from others yesterday.

1.  When I started backing out of my garage to deliver freezer meals in the morning I looked in my mirror to find a car in my driveway.  It was a dark grey color so my first thought was that it was our second car, but I quickly realized that Lawrence was at work and therefore it could not be our car.  I put my SUV in park and got out to find a couple neighbors with a small veggie tray for me.  They also delivered yummy veggies to some others they thought would use a pick-me-up.  We hugged, chatted, and went on our own ways.  The veggies were super yummy and really hit the spot both yesterday as a snack and today with lunch.  Thank you!!


2.  When I got home from the freezer meal delivery I found lovely flowers on my doorstep from my visiting teachers.  They brightened my day and now brighten my kitchen.  Thank you, ladies, for thinking of me and my family!















3.  UPS pulled up in front of our house and delivered a book about life after losing a loved one.  My maternal grandmother sent it to me, I knew it was coming, but not when.  I found it appropriate that it was delivered on Ethne's birthday.  Thank you Grandma!






4.  While I was busy frosting Ethne's cupcakes I heard some voices outside my front door.  I chose to ignore them until my over-protective dog (not that she's threatening at all) herd them and started barking rather hysterically.  I tried to shush her, to no avail.  I peeked throughout the window at the top of my front door to spot hands busily taping hearts to our storm door.  I chose to leave them to their work and I returned to my cupcakes.  I don't know who "heart attacked" us, but I just love it and plan to leave the hearts on the door for the time being.  Every time I see them it makes me smile.  Thank you, whoever you are!








5.  We were a little lackadaisical about finding a babysitter for our temple visit.  I tried a cousin, but she had to work, I asked about young women in our ward, but it was mutual night with a meeting about trek, my parents were coming to the temple with us, J&J had to work-- nothing was working out.  So I started calling friends and neighbors.  Our lovely backyard neighbors were graciously willing to watch our boys for us.  They are awesome neighbors and great friends.  They watched our boys, weren't upset that we wound up in a later session than we intended to go to, and even took in our crazy dog that escaped our yard (our fence is rather ineffective at the moment) to check on the boys (like I said, over-protective).  Thank you so much, it really meant a lot that you disrupted your evening so we could go to the temple!

our not so threatening dog

Thank you everyone for your service and especially to those who served us, it really meant a lot that you were thinking of us and helping make Ethne's birthday special and that much sweeter for us.

Our acts of love

We issued the challenge, so it is only fair that we follow through and participate in it too.  We performed 5 acts of love to celebrate for our princess.  It made the day one of goodness and sharing rather than of sadness and mourning.  These acts of service and love helped us feel Ethne close to us and made a hard day much easier.  So here's what we did:

1.  Considering that Ethne's birthday falls on Veterans' day (a U.S. holiday to celebrate and thank all those who serve and have served in the armed forces) we thought it would be appropriate to do something for the troops.  I heard about an organization that sends care packages to those serving abroad and thought that would be a great way to go.  This organization collects leftover Halloween candy and puts it into care packages for the service men and women.  They also request hygiene items such as toothbrushes, toothpaste, floss, mouthwash, etc. along with the packages of candy.  So we gathered up our leftover candy, the majority of Mr. E's stash, and the traded candy from my younger brothers (they got legos instead) to make a total of 12.5 pounds of candy!  Then I added some dental floss and some mouthwash strips (those Listerine things that clear your sinuses for a week), packaged it all up and sent it off on Monday.  Added bonus-- we don't have all that candy sitting around to hinder our efforts to eat healthier.

2.  If you read this blog regularly then you know about little Ethan who recently passed away after a very long battle with Leukemia.  What you may not know is that his sweet mom is pregnant with baby #7 and is due at the end of the month.  I remember what it was like after Ethne passed (granted our situations are different).  There were days, especially after the help quit coming, that I just didn't want to get out of bed, much less think about making dinner.  I knew that my family needed to eat, but when you are grieving it is sometimes difficult to even think about the necessities.  Those were the days that I was most grateful for my sweet aunts, grandmother, and mother who had gotten together shortly after the accident and made me a whole bunch of freezer meals-- I had so many that there wasn't room in my freezer for them all and I had to store some at my parents' house.  I also very recently had a baby and remember well the exhaustion and busyness of a new baby.  Pair the two together and I'm not sure what I would have done.  With all this in mind I got to work and put together a handful of freezer meals for Ethan's family.  It really didn't take me long to get them all together, but I'm sure it will save Ethan's mom lots of time in the future when she is too tired to even think.  I dropped those off to her yesterday morning.  We were able to have a nice, short talk and give each other a hug that said more than any dinners ever could.  I am so grateful to know Ethan and his family and so thankful that I had the opportunity to help them in this small way.

3.  This is something I do kind of regularly, but it has been a few months since the last time I have done it and we thought it very appropriate to take bracelet sets up to Primary Children's on Ethne's birthday.

4.  This is another something that Lawrence and I do regularly, and have done every year on Ethne's birthday since she passed away, but still, it is service, and some of the best service we can give.  Shortly after Ethne's passing we determined to make her birthday a day to celebrate out eternal family rather than a day to be sad.  Yes we miss Ethne terribly, and days like her birthday can be more difficult than other days, but we try.  We gather as much of our family as we can and go participate in an endowment session at the temple.  We also encourage our family that is far away to participate in their nearest temple.  The temple is one of the places we can feel Ethne's spirit best, so we especially feel it is an appropriate place to go on her birthday.  We also know that we are helping others who have passed before us and that we are helping Ethne as she is teaching and serving others on the other side of the veil (to learn more about LDS temples just click).  This year we were able to attend with my (Melissa's) parents and paternal grandmother.  We were sad that more weren't able to attend with us, but understood that work schedules can be hard to get around.  The session was made sweeter when my sister, Jessica's, brother and his wife were also in attendance and Lawrence's dad's cousin and her husband were also there.  It was really neat to see extra friends and family there, even if they didn't really know the significance of the day for us.

5.  Last, but certainly not least, we purchased gifts that we would have given Ethne and donated them
to the Road Home in Salt Lake.  I probably should have planned a little better as this didn't go over quite the way I had hoped for it to, but it was good nonetheless.  We purchased an outfit, a couple toys, and also took a bracelet set.  We hope that the girl(s) who receive these items can feel as loved and as special as Ethne is to us.

We took our boys along with us on all of these projects, except for the temple, and I hope that they can see us serving others and learn to serve as well.  We did make sure that Mr. E knew we were going to the temple and why we were going, he really wanted to go with us so we promised him that he could go when he is older and that we would take him to walk around the temple soon.

One last note:  I cannot take full credit for this challenge.  Several months ago my mom saw someone ask for acts of service for their birthday.  She called me and suggested that we try the same kind of thing for Ethne's birthday.  I'll admit that I had been thinking about our family doing service on her birthday this year, but I hadn't thought about inviting others to join us.  So I just have to say thank you to my mom for the suggestion, it really turned out well!

P.S. This is an official heads up, start planning 6 acts of service for next year.

Birthday Wishes

Here are some of the acts of service some of our friends and family have participated in to honor Ethne:

We are doing operation Christmas child through Samaritan's Purse for 1 boy and 1 girl ages 5-9. In honor of Ethne. Love you guys!♡

I didn't do anything very special, but I did rescue a dog who was wandering around the streets, bring it home and then find his owners and return him. I also babysat for a couple who are pregnant- I didn't accept payment. They needed a date before the new baby came. I unplugged a single mom's sink, and I sent out a card to my aunt for thanksgiving. My last act of service, today, is smiling. I'm going to smile at everyone I see today. :)

Hello :)

We all really thought a lot about what we wanted to do for service.  We all came up with something that we felt made us think of Ethne and something that would carry her sweet spirit beyond just today.

We decided to make bracelets that will be donated to Shade Tree (battered women and children's shelter) and Child Haven.  When children are removed from their homes (for various reasons) these bracelets are given to them by police officers, fire fighters, and Child Protective Services.  The bracelets are something they can call their own and something that brightens their day.  We will also be donating some to the troops to pass out to children who are victims of bombings in war torn countries.  Our goal was for each of us to make 5 tonight for Family Home Evening.  It was such a great night with an amazing spirit!! The kids loved it and I had to force them to stop and go to bed.  We have 30 bracelets and the kids think they can easily double that number tomorrow.  Thanks for giving us the inspiration we needed to get the service ball rolling!!  I know the bracelets will be loved!!

I have a lady in my neighborhood that needs childcare, but can't pay for it. I am a licensed in-home daycare provider. I am providing her with free child care for 3 months in honor of your Ethne

We think of Ethne many times and in many different ways but it has been special to think of her as I have helped the missionaries with special tasks and concerns the last few days and today.  I won't list them but now I will always think of Ethne in connection with service, helping others.  Ethne will always have a special place in our family and we look forward to being with her again.  I like to think that she is able to be with us at special times.  

And a few blogs:

http://elizasownlittleworld.blogspot.com/2014/11/on-this-very-special-day.html

http://mylife-plana.blogspot.com/2014/11/a-day-for-remembering.html

http://kathrynlesliestone.blogspot.com/2014/11/a-special-day-of-remembrance.html

More tomorrow.

Bottle Them Up

The BFG gathers dreams

Today was a wonderful day.  I got a lot done that I needed to get done.  It may not look like it from the outside, but I promise I did.  This morning started a little crazy with my brother coming over and a meeting for a small job (THANK YOU to the wonderful neighbor who took on three crazy boys for me!!).  Then it was a nap for Baby J and I had plans to do laundry and clean.

But Mr. E had other plans.  I had to complete a few things for the small job so I sat with Mr. E and did them.  While I worked he snuggled up next to me and pulled up a blanket.  I was sold.  A movie came on the Disney channel so we snuggled.  Mr. E told me that he likes mommy snuggle time, so we snuggled some more.  Lunch time came and I thought about feeding my boy, but I didn't want to ruin the moment.  It got to be a little late, so I started to get up, only to find that Mr. E had fallen asleep.  Now I really didn't want to move.


Then I heard noises coming from upstairs.  J was waking up.  I soaked up just a little bit more of the sweet, sleepy snuggles from my big boy (snapped a selfie), then pried myself away.  Baby J and I had some rare alone time while Mr. E snoozed.

I did eventually feed Mr. E, then we ran a couple errands.  J had another nap when we got home and Mr. E begged for more snuggles.  Who was I to turn that down?

I had to cut the snuggles short and make dinner.  I got three freezer meals made, plus dinner for tonight.  Usually Mr. E is under foot while I cook, but tonight he let me do what I needed to do and even helped a little when I asked.

After dinner we played and watched Dancing with the Stars (all three of us).  Then we had the easiest and most cooperative bed time we have had in weeks.  I don't think I yelled, lost my cool, or got overly frustrated once the entire day.  I may not have gotten the laundry all done, or my kitchen cleaned, but I am certain that I got everything done that I really needed to.  It was like my boys knew that tomorrow is going to be a tough day and they wanted to make it a little easier.

I just wish I could take days like today and bottle them up.  I wish I could store them on a shelf so that, on the really hard days, I could open them up and be reminded of just how sweet it is to be loved by the precious gifts that are my children.  I wish I could open bottles of days with Ethne so I could feel her squishy little self, smell her sweet smell, her her beautiful laugh, and watch her goofy run.  I wish I had bottles of all the best days to remind me of the things I have to look forward to.  I wish I had bottles, so that when I'm old and my memory starts to fail I won't ever forget the most precious times.

I am so thankful for the blessings of each of my children and especially grateful for days like today.

Ethne's 5th

With Ethne's birthday fast approaching I would like to make a request.  Each birthday that we miss we have felt a hole.  We miss buying presents and throwing a party for our Princess.  We visit the cemetery, have cake and ice cream, and send her balloons, but without her smiling face and happy hugs it's just not the same.

Ethne loved everyone and loved to show people how she loved them.  So with this in mind we would like to ask a favor.  In order to better celebrate Ethne's 5th birthday, and to better feel her presence we would like to invite anyone who would like to participate to preform 5 acts of service in the week leading up to and on her birthday, November 11.

We will be serving also and will make a post about it after her birthday.  We would love to share your stories too.  So, if you feel so inclined as to participate in our week of birthday service please take pictures and email us with your stories and we will share them too.  lmeestone@gmail.com  Thank you for helping us make this birthday for Ethne an Ethne kind of day by showing love to those around you!

Christmas Eve

Last night was Christmas eve for the VanLeuven family.  And what a night it was!  Follow the link and be sure to watch all four videos, but if you only watch one, watch the 10pm video and listen to the sweet things Merrill says to Ethan about Christmas.

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=32083427#oowaOauefpIcMA8A.01

Yesterday and Today

A week ago I asked for help with a semi-secret project and I'd like to now share that project.  A week ago is when we found out about Ethan and his prognosis.  About a week before that my mom asked me to help her contact people and ask them to help us shower Ethan with birthday cards.  When we learned that his time was limited we knew we had to act quickly.  So we both posted to Facebook (blocking his parents and other family from seeing the posts) and asked for birthday cards to be sent to us to deliver to Ethan.  Over the weekend I collected several cards which we delivered on Sunday.  Over the next few days I collected even more cards, about two dozen that I took to Ethan on Wednesday so he would have them for his birthday celebration on Thursday.  I'm am happy to report that the cards continue to roll in and I will continue to deliver them as long as they keep coming.  I feel blessed to be able to help in this smallest of ways and to make these days just the tiniest bit brighter for Ethan and his wonderful family.

The story has gone national!

http://www.today.com/video/today/56292584#56292584

See his birthday celebration here (make sure to watch all 4 videos):

http://www.ksl.com/index.php?sid=32074766&nid=147&title=utahns-celebrate-holidays-with-terminally-ill-boy-for-the-last-time&fm=home_page&s_cid=topstory

Helping Ethan

A sweet boy heard about Ethan, here's what he is doing for him

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=32064511#hCVoLLej9qDTFw6O.01

If you'd like to know how to help Ethan and his family you can go here:

https://www.facebook.com/fundraiserforethan

or here:

http://www.gofundme.com/ethanourhero

At the end of the day

At the end of the day I am tired and usually at the end of my rope-- patience is running low, children are cranky and uncooperative, dishes are piled up in the sink, and often Lawrence isn't home to help (managing retail often calls for unfortunate working hours).  But, somehow this is my favorite time of the day.

Mr. E Starts by picking up his toys while I pick up after Baby J.  Then the real battle begins, it's a fight to get him to go potty, a fight to get him up to his room, a fight to get him to take his clothes off, pick pajamas, etc., etc.  Sometimes I get a little short with him while we battle about these rather insignificant details, but after the battle comes the part that always makes up for it.  After Mr. E has taken care of his hygiene, changed into jammies, and has settled down a little from the day we sit in a rocking chair and read a story.  This is our time-- just Mommy and Mr. E.  Usually we read Curious George, sometimes it's a Junior story, or something else.  He snuggles his little red head into my shoulder, grabs a fistful of hair, and we read.  I often stop to ask about colors, shapes, numbers, animals, or other details (mostly in the pictures).  He answers my questions and also points out details he likes, as well as asks questions.  After his story Mr. E says his prayer, then crawls jumps into his stuffed animal filled bed.  Then we sing.  He gets 5 songs.  Nearly every night he chooses "I am a Child of God," "I Often go Walking," "Families Can be Together Forever," and some theme song from "Phineas and Ferb," there's rarely any variation.  Sometimes he sings along, but most the time he is content to let me do all the singing.  The last part of the night is even better than the rest of it combined.  This is when Mr. E climbs into my lap, wraps his arms around my neck and I sing "A Bushel and a Peck."  He gives me  an excellent hug, a kiss (on the lips), Tells me that he loves me, then climbs back into his bed as I turn out the light.

Once Mr. E is read to, sung to, and "in bed" it's Baby J's turn.  He doesn't put up a fight (yet).  He gets a new diaper, jammies, and some warm milk, then I also read to him.  His stories are much shorter and he doesn't hold still as well, but he also tends to grab a fistful of hair.  There are no questions and answers-- instead there's wrestling the book away from grabby hands that just want to pull it into his mouth.  Then we sing too.  Baby J only gets one or two songs and, you guessed it, "Bushel and a Peck" is always on the list.  We rock, snuggle, and I sing into his ear (which often makes him giggle),   then I kiss him about a dozen times, put him in his bed, and turn out the light.

Some nights I cry.  Every night I revel in the fact that I have been blessed with another day with these sweet, rambunctious, and smart boys.  Every night I take time to thank my Father in Heaven for the blessing of my boys and of the day we have had, and to ask for more days to spend with my Mr. E and Baby J.  I treasure this time I get to spend, one on one with each of my boys.  I am reminded of how special they are and this is the perfect ending to each of my not so perfect days.  No matter how frustrating, busy, productive or unproductive the day, at the end of it I am always grateful that it happened.

My Nemesis

The stairs...

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a bit of a clumsy streak.  I blame this on genetics.  Stairs and I have never been the best of friends.  I fall down them, trip up them, and otherwise don't always get along with them.  Why this didn't cross my mind when we were looking at (and purchasing) a house I'm not sure, because things might have gone a little differently had I thought about my never ending conflict with stairs.  But it didn't really cross my mind and we purchased a house with a lot of stairs.  Don't get me wrong, I love our house, and I love our ward and neighbors even more-- I just have a love/hate relationship with stairs... all of them.

About a month ago I was carrying a pack and play down the stairs and took a wrong step, on the second step down.  I took a not so nice bouncy ride down the stairs and found myself bruised and walking funny for a few days.  To be honest, I feel lucky that it took me so long, while living in our house, to take such a tumble down the stairs.  I was also feeling lucky that I wasn't carrying Baby J at the time.

Last Friday (Aug. 15) I had another encounter with the stairs that did not end quite as well.  I was doing something that wasn't so smart.  I was trying to get some things cleaned and organized and in the process I had found several items that needed to go to the basement.  I didn't want to make a whole bunch of trips up and down the stairs so I was stacking stuff on the top step to the basement.  As I did so I leaned over the baby gate at the top of the stairs.  I thought to myself that I shouldn't be leaning over the gate like I was.  Just as that thought left my mind, said baby gate gave way and I went with it, head first, down the stairs.  Baby J and Mr. E were playing contentedly in the family room, so neither of them were in danger of getting hurt or coming along for the ride.  About half-way down I heard a lovely snap and before I knew it I was in a painful heap at the bottom of the stairs.  A quick self assessment told me that my head and neck were both fine and that the snap had come from my right arm.  I sat myself up, let loose a scream or two and gingerly placed my obviously broken right arm on my lap.  I found my phone a few steps up as Mr. E made his way down the debris littered stairs to me.  "Mommy, you fell.  Mommy, are you ok?  Mommy, you're crying..."  Yes, yes, yes...  My possessed phone was refusing to make an outgoing call.  I shut it off, "Mommy, your phone died."  Turned my phone back on and hefted myself to my feet with another scream.  Got to the top of the stairs and on the floor near Baby J, phone finally rebooted.  Try to call Mom, no answer, great.  Dad, no answer, shoot.  Try to call Lawrence at work, call is interrupted by Dad returning my call, possessed phone freaks out, hang up.  Dad calls back, "I fell down the stairs and broke my arm come take me to the ER."  Hang up, call Lawrence.  He feels helpless, tells me to call Sarah.  Call Sarah, she comes right over.  Meanwhile Baby J is upset because I'm upset so I somehow finagled him onto my lap.  Sarah made it over with another neighbor hot on her heels.  Sarah took J and started getting him food, second neighbor got E's swim trunks and took him to Sarah's house where there was a party going on, complete with a water slide.  Then the husbands showed up, and they gave me a blessing.  This helped calm me some.  Finally Mom and Dad showed up.  Mom took me to the ER, dad stayed with the kids.  Then it got boring.

We waited for an X-ray to tell us how bad the break was and if it would need surgery or could just be set.  Then we waited for the orthopedic doctor to come set it.  Some time during the waiting Lawrence got an employee to come in so he could leave work and be with me.  Then Mom got a call asking where my baking soda was, my youngest brother had been stung by a wasp, three times...  Mom left to attend to swelling post stings.  The orthopedist finally came with a team of doctors to put me out while he set my arm.  According to Lawrence I kept telling Mr. E to get off me, that he was hurting me, during the procedure.  They set the bone, splinted my arm and we waited some more, this time for the sleepy drugs to wear off and for the doctor to discharge me.  We didn't get home until 1 am...

On Monday I went back for more X-rays to see if the bone had shifted and to cast my arm.  Fortunately it was a clean break, it set well, and didn't shift, so I didn't need surgery!

Lesson learned, don't lean over baby gates.  I can laugh at it all now, so you can too.

Anything for a Friend +

We have had a pretty incredible weekend, it started on Thursday.  It started with Lawrence miraculously getting two WHOLE days off work, in a row!  He had some gigs at a couple state fairs with a band he has been playing with for a couple years now and needed some time off work for those, as well as to just have some time off with family and to relax.  It was so wonderful to have him home, to spend time with him, to relax, to be together.  Mr. E was so happy to have his "Gru" (each week we get new cartoon character names) home to play with, snuggle with, and otherwise terrorize. I was happy to have extra hands with the boys and Lawrence was just happy to not be at work.  Thursday we went bowling with my brothers and grocery shopping as a family, that night Lawrence headed to the Weber county fair to play with his band.  I stayed home with the boys so they could nap.  Friday we did some laundry, some cleaning, and some packing before heading off to the Salt Lake county fair for another gig.  We all went this time and had fun listening to the band's music and visiting some of the booths, Baby J even got his first (microscopic) taste of a snow cone.  Then it was home to unload musical instruments and load the stroller and bags before heading off to Ogden.  We spent the night in a hotel and had a lot of fun watching Mr. E try to jump from one bed to the other and run around the room.  Then Saturday morning we made our way to Weber State campus bright and not too early for a 5k.

About the 5k:  About two months ago an angel mommy that I'm Facebook friends with posted that she wanted to participate in the Anything for a Friend Fight to the Finish 5k.  She wanted to create a team in honor of her angel and needed at least 25 people to make a team.  We joined the team.  I had been toying with the idea of doing a 5k and getting to meet this angel mommy, Ashley, in person was the icing on the cake for me.  I have been following Ashley's blog for a few years, since before we lost Ethne, and have  admired how she and her husband have handled the tragic loss of their daughter with faith and enduring.  I was looking forward to the event and to meeting and connecting with another angel mom.













The event started with an explanation about how Anything for a Friend was started, what they do, and why we were there.  Then there was a balloon release and the "run" started.  Along the route they put up posters with pictures of the people each team was there in honor of.  Many were cancer patients or survivors, some were for other loved ones, and a few were teams that just wanted to help.  We loaded the boys in the stroller and set about the 3.2 mile walk with a very large group of people, with a team of people we really didn't know.  Ashley and her family were so nice and made us feel welcome, and the kids had a lot of fun running part of the route together.  As we walked I thought about Ethne and how we are fighting to our finish so we can be with here again, I thought about Ashley's angel and her fight, I thought about Baby J and his fight with HD, and I thought about little Ethan-- who is still fighting his leukemia.  They are all heroes in my book and I am grateful that my life has been touched by each of them in one way or another.

While we walked I also thought a lot about answered prayers and blessings, as we just had some big ones fall into our laps...

Earlier this week we received a hospital bill for Baby J's NICU stay.  I won't go into specifics, but let's just say that it was big.  Our insurance for the 4 days of last year Baby J spent in the NICU wasn't very good insurance.  They payed their max allowed amount, but this policy had no out of pocket max and their portion was only drops in the bucket of 4 days worth of NICU expenses.  I was panicking.  But we did apply for some help through the hospital group that runs Primary's and were waiting on a decision, I was told it would probably be made by Friday.  So Friday I called to find out what had been determined.  The man I spoke with on the phone was very nice and told me that a decision had been made that morning.  He asked if I was ready to hear our new balance, I looked for a pen.  He waited patiently while I hunted a pen down, when I said that I couldn't find one he said "I'll just tell you, it's a really easy number to remember."  He then informed me that our entire debt had been forgiven.  I couldn't believe it.  This huge bill, that we would have been paying off for years, had been taken care of.  A huge weight lifted off my shoulders, I was so happy and relieved that I was crying.  Our prayers were heard and answered, we had been immensely blessed.  I am so grateful for such charitable hospitals that took care of my baby, and for a loving Heavenly Father that gave me faith that everything would work out.

I am feeling so thankful that we were able to have this weekend to spend time together and to reflect on so many blessings.

In His time

Apparently I have to keep learning this lesson, that things I want/need happen in the Lord's time and not necessarily in my time.

After high school and upon starting college I was anxious to get married and start a family of my own.  I dated quite a bit and was even engaged at one time, but that didn't work out and I was incredibly disappointed at the time.  But had that worked out I wouldn't have met Lawrence and we wouldn't have the beautiful family we have now.  Marriage didn't work out exactly when I wanted it to, but when I needed it to, and with the person that I need(ed) in my life.  The Lord knew this even though I didn't.  I am beyond grateful for Lawrence and our temple marriage.  He is a hard working provider, a wonderful father, and my best friend.

G and I wrestling

Growing up I was happy with my one brother, but I always thought it would have been fun to have more siblings.  My parents considered adoption when I was younger, but it never felt right to them.  It was finally right when I was a junior in high school and about 18 months later our family was blessed with my brother G.  He is such a great example to my kids and a really proud uncle.  Then they did foster care and went through a handful of children who were eventually reunited with their biological families until I came into our lives.  He is a happy, busy (super, extra busy) boy who fits right in and loves my babies too.  I is also a little younger than Ethne and I'm sure my parents had always thought that their kids would be older than their grandkids, but both Ethne and I joined our family when they were meant to.

When I was pregnant with Ethne my mom found out that she had a tumor on her pituitary gland and would have to have it removed.  Travel was difficult, she was sick, and I was scared and a little helpless to do anything for her.  Ethne was born four days before her due date.  This allowed my parents to come see her and us to visit my parents for Thanksgiving, before my mom had to have her surgery.  It was such a blessing to me to be able to see my mom and for my baby to meet her Grandma.  My mom is fine now and the tumor was benign, but that was a scary time for all of us.  Ethne's birth allowed us time together and gave us something else to think about when we were all consumed with worry about my mom.

Through my entire pregnancy with Baby J I was certain he would come early.  Both my other two were early, so this boded well for me.  I was determined that he would be born before Christmas.  The last month or so I was done.  I was tired, sore, big, and beyond ready to have this baby.  It had been the most difficult of my three pregnancies with some morning sickness, soreness that I hadn't had before, and I was also battling with emotions that I hadn't experienced before.  I prayed that he would come so I could be more comfortable and have less pain.  So when contractions started coming pretty regularly on Dec. 21 I was thrilled.  But it wasn't to be.  After going to the hospital twice in 24 hours only to make very little progress and have the contractions stop, my hopes were dashed all over the floor.  Little did I know that this was a blessing in disguise.  Five days later, on the 26, my water broke and the contractions were unmistakable, Baby J made his entrance.  I was excited to spend as little time in the hospital as possible and take my late Christmas present home to his brother.  But you know how well that worked out.  Again, I was beyond disappointed that my baby was sick and wouldn't be coming home on my schedule.  It was also frustrating to sit around the hospital and wait for the holiday lag to pass so we could get tests done and find out results so we could know what was wrong with our baby.  Had Baby J been born much earlier we would be paying a lot more for his surgeries and hospital stays, also if he had been diagnosed sooner.  Our insurance last year wasn't the best, but it covered enough for the last 4 days of last year that we weren't left with too many out of pocket expenses.  Our insurance that kicked in on January 1 had a reasonable deductible and not too bad of an out of pocket max (both of which we have met).  Had Baby J been diagnosed sooner the other insurance had a higher deductible and no OOPM.  While it meant that I was uncomfortable a few days longer than I really wanted to be Baby J came just when the Lord needed him to come.  Even though there have been a lot of bumps along the way, I'm glad he came when he did and thankful that someone who can see the grand scheme of things knew when his arrival would be best for our family.

I'm sure that I will continue to be taught this lesson, and I will continue to look for the blessings that come from things happening in the Lord's time and not always in mine.