9 Month Struggle

After the accident I saw a lot of doctors and out of a sense of duty I asked about future children as I was cleared for various activities.  As each doctor cleared me feelings of fear and doubt began to creep in.  Several months after the accident, after all my doctors had cleared me to go on with my normal life and normal activities, and after months of physical therapy, I finally worked up the nerve to tell my husband that I was unsure about having any more children.  At the time we had Mr. E who had survived the accident and I was already nervous enough that something might happen to him, the though of another child that could potentially cause me the heartbreak of loss again scared me so much I can't even put it into words.  Miscarriage or stillbirth were certainly on my mind, especially since some of my injuries from the accident make me high risk in pregnancy.  I couldn't bare the thought of even an early miscarriage, I knew that my emotional state wouldn't bare it.  Lawrence was disappointed to say the least.  He told me that he knew that there were more children meant for our family and he couldn't bare the thought of not providing them the opportunity to have mortal bodies.  He told me that he was willing to wait for me to feel better about having more kids, but that this was something I would have to pray about.  I prayed and received comfort.  A little over a year later I came around and got pregnant.

Shortly before we decided to get pregnant again we moved into a new house.  After moving seemed like as good a time as any, I had survived one rather big emotional hurdle, why not brave another?  I really though that I was ready.  But then I got pregnant and I found out how wrong I was.  I struggled to connect with my rainbow baby during my pregnancy.  As much as I struggled I did harbor hope that this baby would be a girl, not to replace my daughter, but to maybe help patch my grieving heart in ways that I though a boy just wouldn't do.  When we found out the baby was a boy I was a little disappointed, but still wanted to be able to love him.  I continued to struggle with connecting to this baby.  I tried decorating his nursery, taking more pictures and videos of my baby bump, washing clothes for him, choosing a special coming home outfit... none of it worked.  I couldn't even bring myself to even talk to him the way I had with my first two.  Shortly before he was born I finally broke down and told Lawrence about how I had been struggling.  It was almost harder to tell him about this than it was to tell him about possibly not having more kids.  He told me that he was worried that this would be a problem and did his best to comfort me and help me.

When Baby J was born I was afraid that I would continue to struggle to connect with him, but something amazing happened.  When the doctor handed him to me after he was born I had an overwhelming feeling that Ethne was in the room with us.  In that moment I fell completely in love with my baby boy and my fears flew out the window.

Then I was put to the test when we found out about J's Hirschprung's Disease and he had to be hospitalized and have surgeries.  This was a whole new kind of struggle to keep my heart and mind open and continue loving him when the future seemed so uncertain.

Long story short (to read the rest of his story follow the Baby J tag at the bottom of this post), he is fine now and I was able to stay by his side through everything.  I was scared out of my mind and went through some flashbacks and what I'm pretty sure was PTSD, but I can't imagine not having him, I love him so much.  He has been a huge blessing to our family and has helped me heal in all the ways I was afraid he wouldn't be able to and more.  He is patient, brave, happy, and a joy to be around and I love him so completely-- we all do.

I want it to be clear that, while I struggled a lot emotionally, I wanted Baby J.  I share these things because I want others to know that they are not alone.  Another angel mom recently shared her struggles with pregnancy following the loss of her child and it buoyed me up immensely to know that I am not alone in my struggles.  The Atonement is real and I know that Christ knows my pains, but sometimes it is immensely comforting to have a more tangible friend that can understand too, and sometimes these friends are Christ's way of helping to comfort us.

Rainbow Baby

A rainbow baby, as defined by Urban Dictionary is a baby born after miscarriage or stillbirth, but most angel mommies define this as any baby born following a loss.  It is a reference to rainbows that form after a storm that bear the promise of brighter days ahead.

Baby J is our rainbow baby.

And what a rainbow he has been.




Sometimes there's a storm and then there's some calm when the sun shines and everything seems good, a rainbow even forms, but then the storm rears its ugly head again.  Baby J's arrival was much like that.

During my pregnancy I struggled both physically and emotionally.  My body was still in recovery mode and I hadn't gotten into as good of shape as I should have.  I had pain in my hips, especially my left hip, that made it difficult to sleep, bend, and even walk sometimes.  But worse than the physical pain was the emotional pain.  I struggled to allow this baby into my heart.  I tried, but it was much, much more difficult than I anticipated.  I knew that this baby was meant for us, that he could help at least put a bandage on my broken heart, but it was still so hard to let him do that.  Until he was born.

I remember the first words I said to/about Ethne, I think I even remember what I said to Mr. E.  I am most certain of the first words I said to Baby J, I sang "Bushel and a Peck" to him.  And in that moment I felt Ethne in the room with us.  I knew that she had escorted her brother into the world, and that she was there to help me open myself up to him.  For that moment the constant ache that started when Ethne passed away abated and was replaced with incredible love and joy.  For that moment all three of by babies were, at least in spirit, on this earth and very present, safe, and happy.  It was far to short-lived, but for a few days it was very easy to reflect on that feeling and to allow my sweet new baby into my heart.  This was the eye of our storm and that sacred, special moment was the biggest, brightest rainbow I have ever experienced.





Then they whisked him away.  Ok, it wasn't so much of a whisking as much as a slow process in which the nurses made me feel like an over-protective, clueless, first-time-mom and the doctors made me worry excessively before they finally determined something was very wrong and that my baby needed more specialized care.  The storm had returned.  Now I was left with an aching for my baby that was sick along with the permanent ache of grief for Ethne.  He was blessed, tested, poked, and monitored more times than I can remember.  When he was finally diagnosed a small weight was lifted from my shoulders, the storm lightened a little.  But my baby still had to endure surgery and recover.  Two very long weeks after his birth my Baby J was able to come home.  The storm was over and the rainbow was cast, nearly as bright as the rainbow at his birth.

I am so very much in love with my sweet, happy, and gentle baby boy.  I am so grateful for the experiences we have had with him, the bad and the good.  He is such a special and brave boy that has blessed our family in so many ways.  He is a miracle, in more ways than one, just like a rainbow after a storm.  His smile lights up a room.  His beautiful red hair and blue eyes, just like his sister's, draw everyone he meets in.  I am so very, very thankful for my rainbow baby, not only once, but twice!

Happy birthday, sweet Baby J.  Thank you for being our rainbow!