I Have an Oil for That!

Sorry its been a minute since I posted!  February got super crazy and ran away from me faster than the gingerbread man!  You may have noticed a lot of changes around here lately. I want to share about one big one.

A few years ago I met an amazing woman named Candy.  Candy was married to a friend of ours from college and they came to our house for a New Years Eve party with some other college friends.  Towards the end of the party Candy gave each of us sample bottles of wild orange essential oil (which smelled so good!).  Soon after the party Candy sent me a text to tell me how much they had enjoyed the party.  Later she asked if I would be interested in learning more about essential oils.  I thanked her, but turned her down, I was mildly intrigued, but also skeptical; I had used a few essential oils here and there, but never consistently.  She took my rejection in kind and we remained friends.

Fast forward a few months, a different friend threw me a baby shower for Princess A.  It was so sweet and thoughtful.  We made hair bows, had treats, and enjoyed adult company.  Among the gifts I received was a keychain filled with sample bottles of essential oils to help with baby care.  I used some of them, and my curiosity started to grow.  I dabbled in a few more essential oils and started to see some benefits.

I saw Candy several more times and when I was finally ready to learn more about essential oils (about two years later) she was there.  I agreed to host a class, but no one else came, so Candy and I talked and I decided to give them a try.

I was nervous and excited when my box came.  I started trying some right away.  Lavender to help the kids sleep, a respiratory blend for Lawrence's snoring, lemon to get me drinking more water, a protective blend to help boost our immune systems (mostly when we were already sick), a soothing blend for sore muscles... You get the point.  The more consistently I used the oils the better our results were.  I started learning about the benefits of other oils so I tried more.  Lawrence saw the benefits and got on board pretty quickly too.  Then he suggested that I consider becoming a DoTERRA wellness advocate.

I scoffed at the idea.  I struggle with social anxiety.  I have turned down a lot of other similar opportunities in the past, It just wasn't something I was interested in, at the time.  Then I helped Candy run a booth at the Parade of Homes in Utah County.  It was easy to share experiences with people, to share the simplest benefits with them.  Then I met Holly, who is on Candy's team.  She shared a bit more about being a wellness advocate with me.  I considered it over about a week, and decided that I want to help other people in the way that Candy helped me.  I want to share ways to live a cleaner, healthier life with others.  I want to help other moms feel empowered, the way I had felt, when their kids were sick at night after the doctor's office is closed, or itchy with a rash, or got a giant goose egg from a run-in with a wall.  I want to help other wives soothe their husbands after a long day at work (or the other way around).  I also want to help my family achieve our goals, to be able to take vacations together and remain debt free.  So I chose to build.

Just in case you haven't noticed, I've been sharing links for Essential oils that we have used with great results.  If you make a purchase through any of those links I get a small commission.  If you are at all curious about essential oils and what they could do for you and your family, please ask, I would love to share with you!  If you love essential oils and want to learn more about how to share them and help those you love, I would be happy to help with that as well.  Do I think essential oils can cure everything, and fix all the world's problems?  Probably not.  But I do think that they can (and do) help with many, many things. Do I still take my kids to the doctor when necessary? You bet I do, but you can also bet that I have tried all my tools, within reason.  I can say that I have certainly been able to save myself a few doctor visits with oils, and spared my kids (especially Mr. J) from antibiotics that can really mess with their little guts.  I can say that essential oils have saved my sanity on more than one occasion.  So keep your eyes out for some shares and a new tab on the blog about the oils we love, why we love them, and how you can get your hands on them!  I am so excited to share with you!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

We’re back and making some changes around here. I’ve really felt a pull to get back to writing/blogging, so here we go... again. To start with there will be some changes to the look of the page. Don’t worry, it will *hopefully* make things better and more friendly for everyone. So buckle up and check back often for new posts.

Thank you all for your support.

The Birth

My first labor started in the wee small hours of the morning with my water breaking and lasted 20+ hours.  With Mr. E it started fairly early, and lasted about 11 hours.  Baby J's was a rather exciting start and it went about 6.  Baby girl's labor really started at about 3:30 in the morning, but We didn't get to the hospital for 5 more hours, she came less than 3 hours later.

On May 23 I woke up at 3:30 am to do that thing that pregnant women do often.  On my way I felt a trickle run down my leg and suspected my water had broken.  They tell you that if you aren't sure it's your water that you should lay down for a while, at least 20 minutes, and if you have more when you get back up then it's definitely your water, so that's what I did, and by all appearances it wasn't my water.  At this point I couldn't sleep any more, I tried, but I just kept tossing and turning.  About two hours later I started having pretty intense contractions, they were tough to breathe and talk through, but not super regular or close enough together.  Lawrence woke up and asked if he should get the boys up, I told him not to.  About 6:30 I started packing my hospital bag, it was on the to-do list and I wasn't sleeping, so why not?  Lawrence watched me stop every 8 or so minutes for a contraction.  I still didn't want him to get the boys since I didn't really think this was it, I was NOT about to get sent home for false labor.  The boys woke up at their usual time, 8am and as they did so I raced to the bathroom, this time I was sure it was my water.  I called my mom, finished packing, loaded the kids in the car, and we were off to the hospital.  When we got there the nurses got me into triage, checked me out and informed me that I was much further along than I thought I was.  They rushed me to a delivery room and called anesthesia as quickly as they could.  My epidural went in at about 9:30.  I was able to rest a little, have an Italian ice, and soon it was time to push.  My doctor was still out of town, so the on-call doctor had to deliver Baby Girl.  After my first push it became apparent to me that the epidural wasn't quite working right, I could feel everything except the contractions.  Two pushes (and a lot of encouraging talk from Lawrence and the nurses) later Baby Girl came out screaming.  I held her on my chest and cried.

She was perfect, ten fingers, ten toes, a face just like her siblings, 8 lbs. 1oz (my smallest), 20.5 inches long, and dark hair.  That's right, dark, like my natural color, no real hint of red.  To say we were surprised would be an understatement.  It was certainly not a bad surprise, and she is beautiful. She nursed great and slept well, and just begged to be snuggled.

Then came the wait.  Before J was born I never thought I would pray for something like a stinky diaper, but here I was, praying hard for that very thing.  After about 12 hours I started to get really nervous.  Then, at about 18 hours old it happened, and we had a little party.  Yep, I said it, we had a celebration for a poopy diaper.

After that we were allowed to go home, we stayed in the hospital just over 24 hours.

Mr. E and Baby J (He needs a new nickname) are head over heels in love with their baby sister, they think she is "SOOO cute!" and we tend to agree.

The Pregnancy

Baby girl made her arrival at the end of May, but considering I've been MIA since April I thought I'd back track a little before sharing about her arrival and name.

I always wanted to have a big family.  I had plans for 3-5 kids, while Lawrence always said 3-5 boys and however many girls it took to get there.  After the accident I struggled with the decision to have more children.  I was terrified of losing another baby.  After talking it over with Lawrence and lots of prayer we decided to move ahead and get pregnant with J.  Then there were complications with J.  We were so happy to have him, and he has been a great (strong-willed and often frustrating, but sweet and fun) addition to our family.  I was really content.  My two boys were active and kept me on my toes, and I love them very much.  I felt like I could be done and be really happy, and I probably could have.  We had been discussing having another baby, but I was just unsure.  My pregnancy with J wasn't the easiest and I was concerned about having another HD baby, plus I was really happy with just my two boys.  Lawrence told me that it was my decision, that he would support me in whatever I decided, but he wanted me to be really sure.  He encouraged me to fast and pray about it.  So I did.  Soon I had my answer, there was a little girl waiting to join our family (more another time).  Soon thereafter we found out I was expecting again.

I've never really struggled with the morning sickness that plagues so many women while pregnant, and I count myself very lucky, but I have had other pregnancy issues.  When I was pregnant with Baby J I struggled physically with some very unpleasant pelvic/hip pain.  When I asked my doctor about it he said it was a normal pregnancy symptom and gave me a pain killer for the days it got bad.  After J's complications I was concerned with taking pain medication again, so I was pretty determined to find an alternative, should I face this problem again.  It showed up pretty early this time around, and there were days when I couldn't walk or move much because it hurt so bad and over-the-counter medicines didn't come close to helping.  I researched possible causes and methods to help relieve the pain and asked for help from some friends.  My doctor offered me pain killers, but I was pretty determined not to use them. So I started physical therapy just as I was entering my third trimester.  As much as I'd like to say it made the pain go completely away, it didn't, but it did improve some.  The therapist knew me from after the accident and I think it helped that he was familiar with my previous injuries.  I still had some pain, but the pt helped strengthen my muscles and ligaments enough that it was more bearable, it also helped keep my pelvic bones properly aligned (which was part of the problem).

Emotionally I was more prepared for the struggles I might face and they really weren't as bad as they were with Baby J.  I did have a few minor breakdowns, that mostly revolved around feeling overwhelmed by housework.  It also helped that Lawrence had a new job and was home more through this pregnancy than he was with J's.  He loves this new job and it only has him working 40-45 hours/week rather than the 50-60+ he was working most weeks before.  Having that support at home was really crucial to my emotional well-being.


I tried harder this pregnancy than I have before to keep my weight under control and I managed to only gain about 35-40 pounds.  I didn't have a big problem with swelling, until the last month or so.  Then in the last month and a half I started to notice my blood pressure gradually increasing.  About three weeks before my due date it crossed into the danger zone.  This was also the time that my doctor informed me that he was leaving for a two week vacation.  He offered to schedule an induction for me for his first day back.  I discussed it with Lawrence and decided that it was a good plan.  At my next appointment my blood pressure was even higher and I was showing other symptoms of pre-eclampsia, the NP (that I saw in my doctor's absence) told me to watch for swelling, drink more water, and rest as much as possible.  The induction was scheduled for the following Friday.

Housekeeping

So it has been a while... again.  Let's just say that I have been distracted, in a good way.

We have had many big blessings come our way in the last few months.

Lawrence was working in a retail management job that wasn't treating him very well.  He was promised that he'd only have to work one Sunday a month and it wound up being nearly every Sunday, every month.  He was also working 60+ hours every week and not getting paid any kind of overtime because he was salaried.  We missed him at home and he missed us.  He was also uncomfortable with some of his working conditions, so he started looking around and found something that suits him much better.  The new company he is with is closed on Sundays, so he is home and gets to go to church with us every week. He is also only working 40-45 hours each week and they treat the employees much better.  He started this new job just a few days before Ethne's birthday.  He is much happier with his work, and we are much happier to have him around more.

J's HD remains under control and he is very healthy.  We have adjusted our diet to include more high fiber foods, to help keep J's tummy happy, such as whole wheat and it has helped all of us be a little healthier.  We were a little concerned about his lack of verbal communication for a while, but his vocabulary has recently taken off and he loves yelling at everyone to stop doing things he doesn't like.  Mr. E has also ben very healthy this winter and we feel very lucky that none of us has been hit with any of the really bad illnesses that go around this time of year.






We've been lucky to have some fun visits with Lawrence's parents in the last few months.  In October we went up to Idaho to be with Eliza when she went through the temple for her mission and also for a cousin's wedding.  Then, just two weeks later Marilyn and Larry were back in Utah to take Eliza to the MTC.  Just before Christmas we spent Lawrence's birthday with them.  We had a great dinner at Texas Roadhouse then birthday presents for him and Baby J, and quick Christmas gifts as well.  Then they flew out to visit Heidi's family in Maryland for Christmas and we saw them when they came back.  Each time they were in town we met for breakfast at a local restaurant and now Mr. E asks to go get pancakes with "Grandma and Grandpa with the kitties" on a weekly basis.  It has been wonderful to see them and spend so much time with them in the last several months.

Last, but certainly not least, on Sept. 21 we found out that there will be a new minion joining our family sometime about June 2.  For several weeks Mr. E was convinced that there was not just one, but two babies in mommy's tummy, but an ultrasound quickly put that to bed and showed only one tiny baby kicking around in there.  On Jan. 12 I was able to have another ultrasound and we found out the gender of the baby.  We are all very excited, especially Mr. E, that this new baby is a GIRL!  I feel her moving quite a bit now and Mr. E loves to kiss and hug my belly and talk to his new sister (J is pretty clueless) and he loves to tell anyone who asks all about her.

We have been feeling very blessed to be busy and happy.

It's not you, it's me

This time of year is so exciting for parents.  Summer is drawing its last breaths and Fall is slowly beginning to spread its colors.  Crayons, notebooks, pencils, and backpacks line almost every aisle of every store.  For some this routine is old hat-- you and your kids have done this before, the new clothes, shoes, supplies, maybe it's even your last year doing the dance.  For others it's a first and it is very exciting, this back to school thing.

Then there's some of us, scrolling through our social media feeds when we are unexpectedly hit by a picture of your first-timer.  The one we were pregnant with together.  The one we both anticipated and planned and dreamed for at the same time.  Your "baby" that's not really a baby any more.  You cried, she held your hand, he tripped as he crossed the threshold of the classroom, you snapped pictures, then they smiled and waved as you walked away, leaving them to this new adventure.  The pictures you proudly display to all the world, "my baby started school today."  And I'm staring at the screen with tears rolling down my face, your baby that my baby played with, your baby that we joked would date my baby, is starting school today, and mine is not.  And I can't bring myself to click the "like" button or double tap the picture like I have many of my friends' older children's back to school posts.

It's not you, it's not your child.  It's me and my child.  Somewhere deep inside I am happy for you.  I even think your little girl, in her skirt, leggings, princess shirt and pigtails is darling, and your boy in his button-down plaid and crisp jeans is very handsome, but the grieving mom in me can't bare to look at the picture long enough to really appreciate these things and show you that, even with a simple click of the mouse.  Because with each picture of your child, who is growing up, learning, and LIVING I am reminded that mine is not.  I am reminded just a little bit more of how much I miss her. I still like you, I still think your kid is great, but I just can't bring myself to witness this particular milestone with you.

(Anti)social

Before I get into this post I want to make it clear that this is not about anyone but me, this is a problem I have struggled with since losing Ethne and none of this is a reflection on any family, friends, acquaintances, or even strangers.

In high school I was known as a bit of a flirt, I had lots of friends, and was busy with lots of extra curricular school and church activities.  When I moved on to college at SUU I got involved in music, had a fun job with a lot of people I liked, had good roommates, and dated quite a bit.  BYU-I was a little different, I still had a good job, I kept dating, but I didn't exactly have roommates my first semester there, and only had two while I was engaged.  The point is, I was fairly outgoing.   After Lawrence and I got married things changed some, but we still enjoyed having friends over for dinner and/or games.

Then the accident happened and Ethne died.

Since the accident I have struggled with social anxiety.  I struggle in large groups of family or friends.  Part of the reason I struggle is because I am afraid of running into triggers then having people wonder why I am crying for what may seem to be no reason.  Meeting new people is also a struggle because they often don't know about the accident and they didn't know Ethne, losing it around new people is even more difficult and terrifying.  Making new friends is tough because they often don't understand that new people who didn't know Ethne are harder to talk about her with.  Family events can be particularly difficult since there tends to be cousins, nieces, and siblings that can cause me to break down.  I also struggle with small talk, and tend to keep to myself at large gatherings.

I pray for strength, I put on a brave face, and I try to get out there, despite the struggle.  I need friends just like everyone else, it's just hard sometimes.  So if you invite me to something and I turn you down, please don't take it personally.  Keep trying, keep talking to me, it means a lot, even if I don't show it well.

Light of the World Garden

There is a place in Utah called Thanksgiving point.  It is famous for its museums, golf course, petting zoo, and gardens.  They host an annual tulip festival that we (my mom and I) visit ever year.

The flowers at the tulip festival are breathtaking.  Tulips of every imaginable (and some unimaginable) varieties are everywhere.  There is so much color and life.  You just really have to see it to truly understand the beauty of it.  It really is incredible.


These sprawling gardens are divided into various smaller gardens such as a "secret garden," an "Italian garden," the "Monet pond," a rose garden, and so much more.  A few years ago (3 to be exact) we stumbled upon a new garden installation.  This new garden featured bronze statues of  Christ from various stories in the New Testament.  Front and center in the garden is a life size statue of Christ walking on the water.  A placard behind this statue explained that the artist had plans to install all the statues full size at some future time.  Every year when we have gone back we have looked for the full size statues.  In the mean time we have thoroughly enjoyed the smaller versions.  That first visit was a few months after the accident, I was still wearing my neck brace and using a cane to get around.  Coming face-to-face with my savior in that garden was powerful and overwhelming in many ways.

Christ walking on the water

The woman touching Christ's garments (Mark 5:25-30)

This year when we went to the Tulip Festival we took my sister-in-law, Jessica, who has never been before.  When we finally got to the Light of the World garden we were given a wonderful surprise.  While we were enjoying the sweet spirit present in the garden a woman approached us.  Introduced herself as Angela Johnson, the artist that created the sculptures.  We were a bit stunned.  Then she went on to explain that KSL, a local news station was there filming for a special story about the garden and wanted to use some footage of us in the garden with our kids.  We were happy to oblige.  Then we started talking with Angela and it came out about our first visit to the statues.  She grabbed the reporter and asked them to interview me for part of the news story.  They asked me a few questions and to share some of my feelings about the garden and about my favorite statue.  I was able to talk with Angela about when the full size statues would all be installed and about how much I have enjoyed visiting the garden each year.  When we were finished they asked me to send some pictures of Ethne for them to use in the story.

This was nearly three weeks ago.  The story aired last night (Sunday).  Here is a link to the story.

We are so excited to see the full sized statues next year when we visit the gardens.

Christ carrying his cross

With Hope

I was talking with a friend recently and she told me about a conversation she had with another of her friends about grief.  They were discussing how long it is ok to grieve after the loss of a loved one, especially children and spouses (the second friend lost her husband two years ago).  Both came to the conclusion that it is ok to grieve for the rest of your life.  The first friend then asked the second how she continues to live her life each day.  The second friend told her that she does it for her kids and for hope.

I have often been asked the very same question, "How do you do it?  How do you live each day after such a great loss?"  Usually I shrug my shoulders, which is really a terrible answer, or rather, not an answer at all.  But then I think that maybe I was so noncommittal about my answer because I didn't really know how I do it myself, or maybe because it has been difficult to put it into words.  But I think I found my words...

"Hope is what guides me, it is what gets me through the day and especially the night.  The hope that after you're gone from my sight it will not be the last time I look upon you."  ~"A Knights Tale"

I was watching this movie and these words really stood out to me because they ring so true.  The friend of my friend is right, I get myself out of bed every day for my boys and for my husband.  They are my motivation every day because they get up and live every day too.  The boys may not feel the loss of Ethne as keenly as Lawrence and I do, but I think they feel it at least a little, but even if they don't feel it at all, they need me, and I need them.  And Lawrence needs us too.  However, there are some days that are harder than others, even with boys that need me and life that is required to be lived, sometimes the thing that pulls me out of bed and gets me going is hope.

It is a hope that nothing but the Gospel of Jesus Christ can give me.  No where else can I find the teachings of eternal family.  No where else can I learn that I will get the chance to not only see Ethne again, but also raise her in a perfect world where she will not suffer temptation.  No where else can I find the peace in the knowledge of a loving Savior who was born to this earth to suffer not only my pains and sicknesses, but also my grief and sadness, and that of those around me, and all mankind, as well.

It is armed with that hope and that knowledge that I am able to "do it."  To get myself out of bed every day, despite a huge hole in my heart and my family, to continue to follow the counsel of the Prophet and other church leaders, and to continue to read my scriptures, pray, and attend the temple.  Because, without that hope, and without that knowledge, none of it would really be worth all the effort.  So instead of giving up I hope and because I hope I can live.

So it is with hope that I go into this new year and face all the really hard days (our 3-year angel-versary, Ethne's birthday, other holidays), because this new year brings renewed hope that I am one more year closer to seeing Ethne again.

A Year in Review

My family never sent out an annual Christmas card, and I've yet to get into the habit.  So instead of mailing out a card I'll just write one here.

Our family has had one heck of a year with a new baby, surgeries, broken bones, and lots of new adventures.  Here's a little of what we've been up to.

This year started out with a scary diagnosis of Hirschprung's Disease for our newest addition, Baby J.  Before the diagnosis we knew nothing of this disease, but now I'd say that we know quite a bit and continue to learn more every day.  Baby J had a surgery to allow his intestines time to heal and his little body time to grow with a colostomy before he was given a pull-through surgery to allow his body to function in a more normal manner.  Since coming home from the NICU Baby J has been growing non-stop.  He is by far our chubbiest baby and we don't mind one bit.  He has such a fun personality!  He enjoys reading, playing, eating, and singing, but (unless he's tired or it's bed time) he isn't a super snuggle bug.  He sports the same red hair and blue eyes as his sister and has been a wonderful addition to our little family.






Mr. E has had a big year too.  This year he passed his sister in age and turned 3 and also got potty trained!  With the addition of Baby J he became a big brother, something he struggled with in the beginning, but is really coming into the roll well now.  He enjoys helping with Baby J, and sometimes tries to be another parent to him.  He has really enjoyed nursery and started going to a preschool group with some other kids in our neighborhood.  He loves school and asks to go every week.  He is looking forward to Sunbeams next year (I can't believe I will finally have a Sunbeam!) and already knows many primary songs.  His best buddies are his uncles, G and I, but he also has friends in preschool and nursery that he likes to play with.  Mr. E loves to swim, play games, read stories, snuggle, and be outside.  He enjoys visiting Ethne at the cemetery, but I think that's mostly because he usually gets to play at the park afterwards.  He loves anything furry, to the point of near abuse, and we wonder why our dog is always so happy to see him in the morning.  This boy sure keeps us on our toes with his quick wit and goofy imagination and we love every minute of it!

Lawrence keeps busy managing a Payless Shoe store.  He also plays with a band, Rythym Junction.  They released a CD this spring (you can find it on Amazon and iTunes) and are currently working on recording another one to be released some time next year.  He also still plays with the community symphony and other free-lance gigs when his schedule allows.  He enjoys his calling as a primary teacher, teaching the 7-8 year-olds and attending their baptisms.




I have had a busy year, keeping up with two crazy boys and our dog.  I started the year with a good number of flute students, but they all fell away during the summer.  At the end of the summer I had a small disagreement with a baby gate and some stairs and broke my right arm--it is healed and I am working on getting full range of motion back, but rest assured that I can play my flute.  When school started back up a local high school teacher recruited me to help with an army of sophomore flute players that descended on his band program this year--17 of them, in one class!  We split them up into two flute choirs and are preparing for their first concert coming up in a couple weeks.  It has been fun to be in a classroom again and working with these talented young women.  I also recently started a new blog of tips and resources for musicians and music teachers.  In October I took on the task of teaching Mr. E's preschool group and hosted a Halloween party for the cute kiddos and their mommies.  Somehow I have lucked-out and both boys take a long afternoon nap at the same time that gives me time to clean, sew, craft, blog, or sometimes even sleep!  I am so grateful for my husband who supports our family so I can be home to raise our boys, I definitely got the better end of that deal.

I am certain that Ethne continues to watch over us.  There are times when I can feel her presence very strongly.  For her birthday this year we invited friends, family, and strangers to participate in 5 acts of service in her memory.  It was a busy day and we could certainly feel the love of Ethne and of others as they participated in our challenge.

It has been a busy and productive year for all of us and we look forward to all the next year will bring.  We hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas and New year!

Making Wishes

Our back yard is covered with dandelions.  I like to think that Ethne sent them just for me (even though the logical side of my brain knows it probably has more to do with the little girls who lived here before. We had the yard power raked and I was afraid that it would kill all the dandelions, but a then next day they started popping right back up.

Today I was out in the yard with Edward and I showed him how to make wishes by blowing the fluff off.  He wasn't really interested in what I wanted to show him and I thought he hadn't watched, but the next thing I knew he was picking up fluffy dandelions and trying to blow them.  He would hold them at arm's length and blow his little heart out, confused that it wasn't working.  I would try to help him, but he would give me a dirty look and keep doing it his way, then tear the little weed to pieces.

When he gives me looks like this he reminds me of Ethne.  She loved blowing dandelions.  She loved flowers, butterflies, dresses, and everything girly.  Edward is a whole new adventure.  He is such a boy.  So busy, loves cars, balls, and climbing.  I love my little boy.  He is so perfect.  But I miss Ethne and I miss her girly-ness.  So I am making wishes that I will have girly again, just as Edward is surely wishing for more dirt, balls, and cars.

"For just as the swan's last song is the sweetest of its life, so loss is made endurable by love and it is love that will echo through eternity."  ~ Call the Midwife

Counting

Sunday's lesson in Relief Society was on Faithfulness in times of Trial (you can click the link to read it).

I will be honest, for a little while there, I struggled.  I went to church every Sunday.  I was praying and reading scriptures with my family.  I was going to the temple.  But I was angry, hurt, filled with guilt, and depressed.  Going to church, seeing all those happy families-- many with their little girls Ethne's age (and other children)-- was hard and sometimes made me even more angry (which lead to more guilt, more depression...).  Lawrence, at one point, said he felt like he was dragging me, and to a certain extent he was.  I'm not sure exactly when or how it happened, but the anger started to go away.  I was (and am) still sad.  I still feel guilt sometimes.  But once the anger started to go away things started to get better.  Maybe it had something to do with getting past that first year, maybe it had to do with the verbal smack from Lawrence telling me that I needed to do something different, maybe it had to do with the realization (after the smacking) that a lot of the anger I was feeling was probably coming from Satan.  Once I realized that I knew I had to fight it because I won't get to be with my Princess again if I let Satan into my heart, maybe it was something Lawrence said to me after a visit to the temple not long ago, or maybe it is a combination of all these.  Either way, I'm glad it has mostly gone.  It makes for a happier me, a happier Lawrence, and a happier home.

I suppose in some ways I was faithful in that time of this trial (I don't believe that this trial will ever really end until I get to see Ethne again).  I was doing a lot of the things we are counseled to do, but I was just going through the motions.  I wasn't really listening to the talks and lessons in church.  I wasn't really paying much attention to the scriptures I was reading.  I was a bump on a log.  I'm not entirely sure I would consider this real faithfulness.

I feel like I am getting better.  I have started more consistent personal scripture study and prayer.  I am paying attention and participating in church.  I have more of a desire to attend the temple.  I feel lighter. I feel more like myself.

The closing song was Count Your Blessings.  So many things have taken on new or more meaning now.

When upon life's billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings; name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings; ev'ry doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you his wealth untold.
Count your many blessings; money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven nor your home on high.

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged; God is over all.
Count your many blessings; angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

[Chorus]
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your blessings;
See what God hath done.
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your many blessings;
See what God hath done.

Since the accident I have been discouraged, thought all was lost, and felt burdened with a load of care.  The cross I have been called to bear has seemed unbearably heavy.  I have looked at others, not necessarily with their lands and gold, but with their little Princesses that are happy, healthy, and alive and felt that hole in my life.  But I am learning to count my blessings more often.  I have been thinking of the wealth untold and the home on high I have been promised and I am working hard to obtain it.  Despite an incredibly great loss I am so blessed with a rambunctious and adorable little boy, a loving and hardworking husband, amazing and supportive family and in-laws, countless talents, a beautiful home, and an angel princess (just to name a few.  Count your many blessings and I promise it will bring you help and comfort to see what God has done in your life.