Angelversary 3

I have this problem, I think that it is a problem I have always had to some extent, but it has gotten worse since the accident.  My problem is that I tend to live in the now.  Some may not think that is a problem, but when it comes to planning ahead it really is.  I tend to ignore dates and times and just take life one day at a time, not really thinking ahead and often not planning ahead for events and milestones like birthdays, anniversaries, etc.  Since the accident it has been worse.  This is in part due to the haze that I have been living in, too depressed to really acknowledge much, but also because I put in somewhat of an extra effort into avoiding thinking about certain days that roll around each year.  The day I most try to avoid thinking about is, of course, February 6.

No matter how I try to avoid it, the day comes, every year.  And this year marks Ethne's third angelversary.  She has now had more angelversaries than she had birthdays.  And it isn't fair.  It isn't fair that every November 11 we visit a cemetery instead of hosting a party for a happy little girl.  It isn't fair that every February 6 I am reminded of the worst day(s) of my life.  It isn't fair that, instead of getting to watch my Princess grow and learn each year she is invisibly watching over me.  It isn't fair that twice a year, every year, I basically start the grief cycle over again, denying that these days will come without Ethne here, I get angry with myself for avoiding thinking about it and not planning anything, I try to get out of the day even happening by considering just sleeping right through it, I cry and cry, then I finally come up with something to do, some way to mark these days that I try to avoid.  These two days, almost exactly 9 months apart have become the two most anticipated days of my year, and not in a good way.

Christmas Eve

Last night was Christmas eve for the VanLeuven family.  And what a night it was!  Follow the link and be sure to watch all four videos, but if you only watch one, watch the 10pm video and listen to the sweet things Merrill says to Ethan about Christmas.

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=32083427#oowaOauefpIcMA8A.01

Doubt

This last weekend was LDS General Conference.  I tried my best to pay attention to the talks given, but with a busy little boy it was difficult at times.  There were several talks a I really enjoyed and others I really want to revisit when the Ensign comes next month.  One that stood out to me (and I think to many others) was a talk given by President Uchtdorf on Saturday.



He spoke about the many activities and services members of the LDS church participate in and the fact that, despite declining membership and activity in many other churches across the world, the LDS church is continuing to thrive and grow because of what the Church offers.  He went on to encourage current members to continue in the faith.  To serve and do good and to strengthen their faith.  As he spoke the line that stood out to me was the quote seen above, "Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith."

After the accident I was angry and had my doubts.  But with the help of a loving and supportive husband, the love of wonderful family, the smile of my Mr. E, and the hope of an eternal family I held on to my faith and battled with my doubts.  I can testify that this can work.  I attended church, barely there, but I went.  I served in the temple regularly.  I prayed and read scriptures with my family and tried to do the things that I knew I should do.  Eventually my doubts faded and my faith became stronger.  I was more present in my church meetings, temple attendance became more fulfilling and less of an obligation, scripture study and prayer became more personal.  And not only did spiritual matters improve, but personal matters did too-- I was more present with my family, I enjoyed my little boy more and more every day, Lawrence became happier.  Doubt your doubts and faith will grow.