Hiatus

It' been a while.

It's not that things have been particularly busy, more that I've struggled to find words to express the things I've wanted to say.  I'm still struggling.  In spite of that I know it is time to post something.

Ethne's birthday is in two weeks.  It's a day I look forward to and dread at the same time.  I'm excited for our service activities and to hear from others about what they are doing to love and serve others, but I'm also saddened that I am facing another (of many) birthdays for my Princess who is not physically here.

As I contemplate the acts of service we will participate in this year and the "celebration" I can't help but think about my boys.  I so want them to know their sister.  I need for them to understand who she
was, and still is, but they are so young.  Sometimes I feel like I am failing at this.  Mr. E knows who she is in pictures, and we often tell him that she lives with Jesus, which I think has confused him (he often calls Ethne Jesus when identifying her).  When I try to talk to him about her I often wonder if he's listening, or if he's just tuning me out.  And sometimes he changes the subject very quickly on me.  It hurts sometimes.  I try to tell him how much Ethne loves him, and what she did for him, but some times I get the impression that he just doesn't care.  I realize that he is only 4 and that much of this is beyond his comprehension, but that doesn't make it any easier.  I just wish I knew how to help him understand.  Baby J really doesn't understand, but then he doesn't really talk much either, so he can't tell me if he does.  I just need so badly for them to know their sister and I don't know how to help them.  I can only hope that some day they will understand and that these birthdays and angelversaries will come to mean something to them too and not just be days when mommy cries a lot.

I'm still not entirely sure what our 6 acts of love will be this November 11, but I know that they will be healing, in a way.  We will attend the temple, visit the cemetery, and have cake, that much I know.  As for the rest... we will have to see.  Lawrence and I would like to invite everyone who would like to join us in providing 6 acts of love for others during the week of Ethne's birthday.  They don't have to be anything big, things as simple as smiling at someone you wouldn't typically smile at can make a big difference.  We loved hearing about the things others did last year, it was like getting long-distance hugs from those who shared with us, and we will look forward to it again this year.  Help us celebrate the life of Ethne and the love that she so willingly gave and bring some of that love to those around you.  We will be doing the same.

With Hope

I was talking with a friend recently and she told me about a conversation she had with another of her friends about grief.  They were discussing how long it is ok to grieve after the loss of a loved one, especially children and spouses (the second friend lost her husband two years ago).  Both came to the conclusion that it is ok to grieve for the rest of your life.  The first friend then asked the second how she continues to live her life each day.  The second friend told her that she does it for her kids and for hope.

I have often been asked the very same question, "How do you do it?  How do you live each day after such a great loss?"  Usually I shrug my shoulders, which is really a terrible answer, or rather, not an answer at all.  But then I think that maybe I was so noncommittal about my answer because I didn't really know how I do it myself, or maybe because it has been difficult to put it into words.  But I think I found my words...

"Hope is what guides me, it is what gets me through the day and especially the night.  The hope that after you're gone from my sight it will not be the last time I look upon you."  ~"A Knights Tale"

I was watching this movie and these words really stood out to me because they ring so true.  The friend of my friend is right, I get myself out of bed every day for my boys and for my husband.  They are my motivation every day because they get up and live every day too.  The boys may not feel the loss of Ethne as keenly as Lawrence and I do, but I think they feel it at least a little, but even if they don't feel it at all, they need me, and I need them.  And Lawrence needs us too.  However, there are some days that are harder than others, even with boys that need me and life that is required to be lived, sometimes the thing that pulls me out of bed and gets me going is hope.

It is a hope that nothing but the Gospel of Jesus Christ can give me.  No where else can I find the teachings of eternal family.  No where else can I learn that I will get the chance to not only see Ethne again, but also raise her in a perfect world where she will not suffer temptation.  No where else can I find the peace in the knowledge of a loving Savior who was born to this earth to suffer not only my pains and sicknesses, but also my grief and sadness, and that of those around me, and all mankind, as well.

It is armed with that hope and that knowledge that I am able to "do it."  To get myself out of bed every day, despite a huge hole in my heart and my family, to continue to follow the counsel of the Prophet and other church leaders, and to continue to read my scriptures, pray, and attend the temple.  Because, without that hope, and without that knowledge, none of it would really be worth all the effort.  So instead of giving up I hope and because I hope I can live.

So it is with hope that I go into this new year and face all the really hard days (our 3-year angel-versary, Ethne's birthday, other holidays), because this new year brings renewed hope that I am one more year closer to seeing Ethne again.

2 Years

I have been contemplating for almost a month what I have been wanting to say in my next post.  Today marks the 2-year anniversary of Ethne's passing and I feel it is time that I make a post.  I still think of her all of the time.  I may even be a little crazy, but sometimes when I am driving by myself I have conversations with her.  I'll say something to her and a response from her fills my mind.  For all I know I am just imagining it, but I don't plan on ever stopping because it helps me feel close to her.  Through these "conversations" I feel like I have gained a lot of insight on what she goes through as a spirit, I feel a better understanding of the spirit world, and I think I recognize a stronger connection to how what goes on here helps prepare us to work there.

These things might not ever take the pain away entirely, but they sure help to ease it a little.  I think it may be because I am keeping open a way to communicate and a connection with her that would be devastating to loose.  This communication has helped me with my ability to communicate with my Heavenly Father as well.  When I need help and guidance anymore I find myself more willing to listen and feel responses.  I am recognizing more about how he can communicate with me is so much more simple than I have to believe it is.  He can fill my mind with answers and I should not mistake those for random thoughts, but as inspiration.

Now on to an experience that we have had.  Melissa talked about our experiences with Baby J and I wanted to share a part of my experience while he was in the hospital.

As he was having complications and concerns were starting to arise, the most common comment it seemed like I would hear is, "Hasn't your family been through enough?  You shouldn't have to go through something like this after what has happened."  I certainly cannot disagree with these people, but for whatever reason the Lord felt that we needed another trial like this to help us grow.  Looking back we were made aware of things we would have never know about with Primary Children's (PCMC).  We also were allowed to meet and even serve new friends who were also suffering.  Melissa gifted some bracelets and tie tacks to some of the other families that had struggling children.  We were so blessed while we were there, but it was so hard to see at the beginning.

A few days after arriving at PCMC I remember thinking, "according to the scriptures and the prophets, Heavenly Father is aware of us, but why does he seem to ignore us."  Feeling that I'm sure anyone would say I could be justified in having, but left me feeling ashamed because I just didn't want to believe I was forgotten.  While struggling through this I felt like Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof when he said, "Sometimes I think, when it gets too quiet up there, You say to Yourself, "What kind of mischief can I play on My friend Tevye?"

Feeling low, I held our new little boy in solitude and offered a prayer asking the Lord for help in knowing he was aware of me.  I was looking for some tender mercies, I even offered a couple of suggestions of things that were important to me that would help me to feel comforted.  Moments later I decided that the scriptures are always a good place to go for comfort.  Having felt beaten down and over-burdened, I decided to pull out my Ipod and read from where I was at.  At that time I was reading the Book of Mormon in 3 Nephi 22.  Here are some of the verses that woke me up and touched me the most:

 7 For a small moment have I forsaken thee, but with great mercies will I gather thee.

 8 In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment, but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer.

 10 For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee.

 11 O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted! Behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colors, and lay thy foundations with sapphires.

 13 And all thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the peace of thy children.

 14 In righteousness shalt thou be established; thou shalt be far from oppression for thou shalt not fear, and from terror for it shall not come near thee.

I have never read those words and felt the power of the like I did that day.  These words just became the first of so many tender mercies that come, even before the day was over.  Many of which were other words that were spoken and given to me.  

These things that we have had to grow through as a family have been difficult and trying.  Experiences I would not wish anyone to have to go through, and at the same time I cannot deny how many good things have happened to us as a result of these trials.  We have experienced a lot of sadness, but we have also grown in strength and testimony that otherwise would be almost unimaginable.  The chapters that proceed 3 Nephi 22 quote Malachi and the refiners fire.  I know that we are definitely going through that fire, I just hope when everything is said and done we will truly reflect his image.

On a side note, thank you again to everyone who has reached out and touched us in one way or another.  Thank you again for your thoughts, prayers, and concerns.  I am still amazed at how much love can be felt by a family as insignificant as ours.

-Lawrence

Anniversary(s)

Ethne eating her 1st birthday cake.

Our lives are riddled with anniversaries.  Some we celebrate, others we ignore, and some we may try to ignore and fail.  We even name some of these anniversaries to signify the event they mark.  Birthdays, marriages, holidays, and of course deaths mark many anniversaries.  When the event is happy we celebrate, often with gifts and food.  When the event is benign it will often go ignored and when the event is unhappy we either ignore it or fail miserably to do so.

I have seen a few loved ones pass on to the next life.  For the most part I ignore the anniversaries of their passing.  It is easier to ignore these sad days than to live with the reminder that they are no longer with us.  The same often goes for the birthdays of those already gone.  If we ignore these anniversaries we can forget the sorrow of their passing and remember more the joy of their lives, we can forget how long we have been missing them and better remember the time we did have.

Ethne's 2nd birthday cake.

But there is one anniversary of a passing that I fail miserably at ignoring.  I push it out of my mind as much as possible, I hope that maybe time will stop and it won't come, but no matter what I do the Earth continues on its relentless course and it does come.  Then I am reminded of how long she has been gone, reminded of how I miss her, and reminded of what little time we had together on this earth.  We do our best on her birthday to remind ourselves of the eternity we will have after this life by attending the temple and remembering her short life, but on this day it is difficult to think of eternity when it seems only a speck so far off in the distance.

They often say that the first year is the hardest, when you experience the first birthday, Christmas, Halloween, anniversary, etc. without them.  And I think that I mostly agree.  The firsts of these many anniversaries without Ethne were extremely difficult.  But I think this coming year may be close in difficulty since we will mark more time without her than with and Mr. E will celebrate more birthdays than she did and start many new experiences that Ethne never had.  And then again, this year also marks one year closer to that speck on the horizon that means I will see Ethne again and never have to let her go.

First Date

I wasn't good about journalling 6 years ago (not that I really am now, but...) so some of this may not be too accurate, but it is what I remember.

Mid-September 2007 found me me moving up to Rexburg, Idaho for my first semester at BYU-Idaho.  I was going to live off-campus with my Great-Uncle and Great-Aunt, study music, and work at Walmart (glamorous, I know).  So many people teased me that I was going to a BYU school to get married and that I would be engaged before the end of my first semester.  This is not what I had in mind.

That summer I had been working at a Sam's Club, so it was easy to make the transfer to Walmart, I just had to put in a computer request, call the manager, then complete the request upon arriving in Rexburg. I pulled into Rexburg with a good friend.  We both unloaded our stuff and did some unpacking, then snagged another friend and headed to Wally-world to shop for some necessities and finalize my job transfer.

I asked, at the customer service desk, for someone to show me where to go to find a manager to get things done.  They called someone and a few minutes later a guy in serious need of a haircut and shave sauntered up.  It was Lawrence.  He walked me to the back of the store to the management offices and we talked.  We were both music majors, he was a return missionary, he was a local boy, and he was in some sort of intern program or other with Walmart.  Lawrence doesn't remember this first meeting.

After that we didn't see each other much, not even at school, despite being in the same program, and we didn't work together often either.  But about the end of October He started coming by my usual hang-out for between classes.  He would stop and talk for a minute on his way to class and then be on his way.  Then I changed my routine and started going somewhere else to while away my break between classes.

November 17-ish I got a friend request on facebook and a message that read something like this:
"I'm hoping this the Melissa that I work with at Walmart, so if you aren't just ignore this.  But I was wondering if you would like to hang out or something some time."

Being my giddy-girly self I hastily responded that I would love to do something sometime, but I was going home for Thanksgiving later in the week.  I was honestly excited to go out with him after having the chance to get to know him some over the semester.  Two days later, a Sunday, we were chatting and he had to work, but after work we decided to get together.  I had a friend over so we played some games and watched a movie, then all sat around and talked for a while.  I knew that I had found someone special and I was even more excited about possibly going on more dates with Lawrence.

Sure enough he called me the next day, and the next before I left for home for Thanksgiving.

I am so thankful for that awkward first date request and our casual first date.  I am thankful that he eventually got up the courage to ask me out.  I am thankful for this wonderful man in my life who is my rock.  He keeps me grounded and supports me through everything.  I am so very thankful that he holds the Priesthood and works very hard to support our family so that I can stay home with our kids.  I am thankful that he is a wonderful and patient daddy and loves to spoil our kids.  I am so thankful that I chose to marry this man and that we were married in the temple for all eternity so that we can have each other and our children forever.

I LOVE YOU LAWRENCE!  Thank you for asking me out on our first date six years ago.

(And no, we were not engaged before the end of the semester only a month later.  That didn't happen until February.)

Ethne

How do I say the things I want to say today?  How do I put such tender feelings into words?  This day, of all days, is perhaps the most difficult day of the year.  Possibly only matched by one other day.  Four years ago today you changed my life and I can't find words to accurately describe how.  Today I miss you more than every other day combined.  So today I will hug Mr. E a little longer and a little tighter.  Today I will cry a lot more.  Today I will spend time with family as we all think of you.  Today I will blow some wishes just for you.  Because no matter how we try to make this a happy day, and to remember our eternal family, it is hard to miss that fact that the one today is all about is not here with us.

So have a grand party in Heaven with Great-Granddad and Billy, Great-great Grandmas Mary and Mary, and Great-great Grandpas Elbert and Clark, and all the other eternal family members there with you.  But don't forget us.  Maybe stop for a visit.  Because we miss you and love you (a bushel and a peck) and always will.  And I am thankful for the time I had to spend with you and the time I will get to be with you.

Happy birthday, Princess.

My Best Man

Yesterday was a milestone anniversary, 5 years.  I was put in charge of our plans for the day and I hope it lived up to Lawrence's expectations.

Every year we go to the temple to do sealings for our anniversary.  Since our anniversary was on a Monday and temples are closed Mondays we went last Wednesday on our ward's temple night.  It is always good to be in the temple but it always feels that much more special when we are there for out anniversary.










Yesterday LM let us sleep in a little and then we went to IHOP for some yummy breakfast.  It was super tasty and fun to be together as a family.  We went home for LM to have a nap and then my brother and his wife came over to babysit LM while Lawrence and I went out for dinner.  Lawrence is a steak lover so I took him to a steak house and we had a very yummy dinner, just the two of us.  It was so good to be together just us and have some time to reconnect.  I also got Lawrence the best present ever, tickets to a Diana Krall concert (a jazz singer he really likes), and he is so excited.

But I don't just want to talk about what we did.  I want to talk about the wonderful man I married.  The last year and a half has been the hardest of our lives.  Lawrence has been so incredibly strong and has been so good to me.  At times he has carried me, sometimes kicking and screaming, other times he gave up on carrying me and just dragged me along, he has worked at a frustrating job to support our family, worked hard at school to get good grades, and he has put up with so much from me.  He has truly seen me through better and worse and because of all he has done over the last year and half I know I can count on him for the rest of eternity.  He is the best man I could have ever asked for and I love him so much more than I ever imagined I could.  I thank heaven for blessing me with my best and most favorite man.