2 Years

I have been contemplating for almost a month what I have been wanting to say in my next post.  Today marks the 2-year anniversary of Ethne's passing and I feel it is time that I make a post.  I still think of her all of the time.  I may even be a little crazy, but sometimes when I am driving by myself I have conversations with her.  I'll say something to her and a response from her fills my mind.  For all I know I am just imagining it, but I don't plan on ever stopping because it helps me feel close to her.  Through these "conversations" I feel like I have gained a lot of insight on what she goes through as a spirit, I feel a better understanding of the spirit world, and I think I recognize a stronger connection to how what goes on here helps prepare us to work there.

These things might not ever take the pain away entirely, but they sure help to ease it a little.  I think it may be because I am keeping open a way to communicate and a connection with her that would be devastating to loose.  This communication has helped me with my ability to communicate with my Heavenly Father as well.  When I need help and guidance anymore I find myself more willing to listen and feel responses.  I am recognizing more about how he can communicate with me is so much more simple than I have to believe it is.  He can fill my mind with answers and I should not mistake those for random thoughts, but as inspiration.

Now on to an experience that we have had.  Melissa talked about our experiences with Baby J and I wanted to share a part of my experience while he was in the hospital.

As he was having complications and concerns were starting to arise, the most common comment it seemed like I would hear is, "Hasn't your family been through enough?  You shouldn't have to go through something like this after what has happened."  I certainly cannot disagree with these people, but for whatever reason the Lord felt that we needed another trial like this to help us grow.  Looking back we were made aware of things we would have never know about with Primary Children's (PCMC).  We also were allowed to meet and even serve new friends who were also suffering.  Melissa gifted some bracelets and tie tacks to some of the other families that had struggling children.  We were so blessed while we were there, but it was so hard to see at the beginning.

A few days after arriving at PCMC I remember thinking, "according to the scriptures and the prophets, Heavenly Father is aware of us, but why does he seem to ignore us."  Feeling that I'm sure anyone would say I could be justified in having, but left me feeling ashamed because I just didn't want to believe I was forgotten.  While struggling through this I felt like Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof when he said, "Sometimes I think, when it gets too quiet up there, You say to Yourself, "What kind of mischief can I play on My friend Tevye?"

Feeling low, I held our new little boy in solitude and offered a prayer asking the Lord for help in knowing he was aware of me.  I was looking for some tender mercies, I even offered a couple of suggestions of things that were important to me that would help me to feel comforted.  Moments later I decided that the scriptures are always a good place to go for comfort.  Having felt beaten down and over-burdened, I decided to pull out my Ipod and read from where I was at.  At that time I was reading the Book of Mormon in 3 Nephi 22.  Here are some of the verses that woke me up and touched me the most:

 7 For a small moment have I forsaken thee, but with great mercies will I gather thee.

 8 In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment, but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer.

 10 For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee.

 11 O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted! Behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colors, and lay thy foundations with sapphires.

 13 And all thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the peace of thy children.

 14 In righteousness shalt thou be established; thou shalt be far from oppression for thou shalt not fear, and from terror for it shall not come near thee.

I have never read those words and felt the power of the like I did that day.  These words just became the first of so many tender mercies that come, even before the day was over.  Many of which were other words that were spoken and given to me.  

These things that we have had to grow through as a family have been difficult and trying.  Experiences I would not wish anyone to have to go through, and at the same time I cannot deny how many good things have happened to us as a result of these trials.  We have experienced a lot of sadness, but we have also grown in strength and testimony that otherwise would be almost unimaginable.  The chapters that proceed 3 Nephi 22 quote Malachi and the refiners fire.  I know that we are definitely going through that fire, I just hope when everything is said and done we will truly reflect his image.

On a side note, thank you again to everyone who has reached out and touched us in one way or another.  Thank you again for your thoughts, prayers, and concerns.  I am still amazed at how much love can be felt by a family as insignificant as ours.

-Lawrence