With Hope

I was talking with a friend recently and she told me about a conversation she had with another of her friends about grief.  They were discussing how long it is ok to grieve after the loss of a loved one, especially children and spouses (the second friend lost her husband two years ago).  Both came to the conclusion that it is ok to grieve for the rest of your life.  The first friend then asked the second how she continues to live her life each day.  The second friend told her that she does it for her kids and for hope.

I have often been asked the very same question, "How do you do it?  How do you live each day after such a great loss?"  Usually I shrug my shoulders, which is really a terrible answer, or rather, not an answer at all.  But then I think that maybe I was so noncommittal about my answer because I didn't really know how I do it myself, or maybe because it has been difficult to put it into words.  But I think I found my words...

"Hope is what guides me, it is what gets me through the day and especially the night.  The hope that after you're gone from my sight it will not be the last time I look upon you."  ~"A Knights Tale"

I was watching this movie and these words really stood out to me because they ring so true.  The friend of my friend is right, I get myself out of bed every day for my boys and for my husband.  They are my motivation every day because they get up and live every day too.  The boys may not feel the loss of Ethne as keenly as Lawrence and I do, but I think they feel it at least a little, but even if they don't feel it at all, they need me, and I need them.  And Lawrence needs us too.  However, there are some days that are harder than others, even with boys that need me and life that is required to be lived, sometimes the thing that pulls me out of bed and gets me going is hope.

It is a hope that nothing but the Gospel of Jesus Christ can give me.  No where else can I find the teachings of eternal family.  No where else can I learn that I will get the chance to not only see Ethne again, but also raise her in a perfect world where she will not suffer temptation.  No where else can I find the peace in the knowledge of a loving Savior who was born to this earth to suffer not only my pains and sicknesses, but also my grief and sadness, and that of those around me, and all mankind, as well.

It is armed with that hope and that knowledge that I am able to "do it."  To get myself out of bed every day, despite a huge hole in my heart and my family, to continue to follow the counsel of the Prophet and other church leaders, and to continue to read my scriptures, pray, and attend the temple.  Because, without that hope, and without that knowledge, none of it would really be worth all the effort.  So instead of giving up I hope and because I hope I can live.

So it is with hope that I go into this new year and face all the really hard days (our 3-year angel-versary, Ethne's birthday, other holidays), because this new year brings renewed hope that I am one more year closer to seeing Ethne again.