Tangled

A post or two back I mentioned watching Tangled with Mr. E on Ethne's birthday.  I also mentioned that the end of the movie hit me in a way it hadn't before.

After Ethne passed I tried to avoid certain triggers, including certain movies she loved.  We didn't watch "Despicable Me" for about 8 months after the accident.  I still haven't watched "The Little Mermaid," and it wasn't until a few weeks ago when Mr. E came to me with it in hand did I really sit down and watch "Tangled."  Mostly I sat and snuggled Mr. E while he watched and I distracted myself with games on my phone, Facebook, and other things.  But I really watched it on Ethne's birthday.  We sang along with the songs, we laughed, and I cried.

In the beginning of the story Rapunzel is taken by an old witch who keeps her true identity secret.  When she is taken she is an infant with lots of blonde hair.  Through a series of tests and adventures Rapunzel learns who she really is and finally returns to the anxious arms of her loving parents.  She no longer looks the same as she did when she was a baby.  In the end she has short, brown hair, and is a young woman-- but despite her changed looks, her mother is able to recognize her and embraces her, grateful to have her daughter back in her arms.

Now I am not, in any way, suggesting that I think Ethne has been taken from me in a malicious way, but she is gone from my sight, for a time.  The scriptures and prophets teach that our spirits take the form of our adult selves, only perfected (no scars or flaws, Ether 3:16 and Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph F. Smith [1998], 131–32).  Watching the end of Tangled had me wondering if I will recognize Ethne when I see her again.  Despite suggestions that the Millennium could happen in my life time, I am of the impression that I will pass away before then.  This means that the next time I see Ethne she will be in her spirit form and will therefore be an adult and not the little girl I said goodbye to two and a half years ago.  It made me very sad to think that I might not recognize her.

I thought about it all day on her birthday.  We were so busy serving, loving, and celebrating that I didn't get a chance to talk to Lawrence about it until late that night.  He reminded me what President Ezra Taft Benson said, "Nothing will surprise us more than when we get to heaven and see the Father and realize how well we know Him and how familiar His face is to us.”  Lawrence then told me that he believes it will be the same way with Ethne.

I sure hope so.

I hope that there will be no question for me the next time I see Ethne.  I hope that I will recognize her beautiful smile and be able to embrace her the way Rapunzel's parents do her.  But I do know, that either way, I will be so very grateful to have my Princess in my arms again.

A Post I Have Been Thinking About for a Long Time, Featuring Robin Williams

When I was about 15 years old I earned my Eagle Scout award.  My mom wanted me to get it before I turned 16 because she was worried that if I waited that long I might not get.  Upon completion we arranged my Eagle Court of Honor and sent out some announcements to family and friends.  Unbeknownst to me, my mother had found the addresses of a few other people to send invites to.  I believe it was right after my court of honor that my mom came to me with a stack of letters to open.  The majority were cards of congratulation from all of the living US presidents - including Bill Clinton (who was president at that time).  Even though I haven't agreed with all of them, I truly still appreciate their responses, even of they were generic.  But there were two others that were included that I couldn't wait to brag about to my friends.  One was a letter from Dave Thomas - the founder of Wendy's, and the other included an autographed picture that said, "To Lawrence, Congratulations!  -Bob Hope" I was hoping to put a picture of it on here but it's still at my parents house apparently.  Growing up I loved listening to comedians.  I would retell their jokes and learn their routines.  I even remember doing a pantomime from Red Skelton for a talent show in Elementary School.  Skelton and Hope were hands down my two favorites.

In college, I began making it a habit to get the autographs of performers I was able to meet.  People I admired like Byron Stripling, Brian Bromberg, Wycliff Gordon, The Bar-J Wranglers, and others.  The wall in our bedroom shows about half of them right now.

When Melissa was pregnant with Ethne, we attended a Brian Bromberg concert at BYU-Idaho.  One of the things we asked him to sign was a poster for our unborn daughter.  He very graciously did and we were proud to have gotten Ethne her first piece of "Swag."  We keep that poster in her memory chest.

After she died I was looking for ways to help keep her memory alive, while trying to bring some happiness into our home.  I found a website online that had a list of celebrity addresses and decided, in secret, to take some of the case sleeves of Ethne's favorite movies and get them autographed in her honor.

I came up with different variations of a letter that I sent out to each actor (trying to personalize each one) and included a return address so they could send them back.  I don't remember who responded the fastest but I think it was Zachery Levi with our Tangled sleeve.  It even said, "Love & Blessings.  You'll be missed."

Shrek 2 was returned because the address for Mike Meyers was incorrect.  Muppet Treasure Island was also returned with a card thanking us for the support, but that Mr. Oz does not respond to personal correspondence.  At least they sent something and gave us back the sleeve.  We were grateful for that.

We also Got back Cars with a signature from Larry the Cable Guy, who also signed it as Mater.  We really thought that was neat.

I think Melissa's favorite had to be from Jodi Benson - the voice of Ariel.  She not only signed the sleeve, but included an additional signed picture of her and returned the letter I sent her.  At the bottom of the letter she said, "I'm incredibly sorry for the loss of your precious daughter.  I can't imagine... May God comfort you both daily - God Bless."  That personal touch really meant a lot to both of us.

The one that I think I was most excited about was our sleeve from Robots.  This is a movie that Ethne loved so much she scratched it and made it unwatchable when she tried to put it in the DVD player herself.  I planned on sending it to a couple actors from the film including Ewan Mcgregor and Drew Carey (another one of my all time favorite comedians), but out of fear of losing it I kept it after one signature - Robin Williams.  The movie sleeve was signed along with another picture and included a generic letter from his office.  I don't know if the signature is really his, but I also won't allow anyone to convince me otherwise. You see, Robin Williams was another big comedic influence growing up.  Although I was not familiar with how vulgar he could be, I did know that he had a personality that could make anyone laugh.  When I was little I remember waking up in the middle of the night and laying down on the floor by my parents' bed.  To help calm me down from a bad dream, or something, they would turn on Nick-At-Night (It was probably so I would just let them sleep).  I remember two shows that I would watch - Mr. Ed, and Mork and Mindy.  Mr. Williams was one of the first celebrities I could identify.  I remember hearing once that he could be hard to work with on a movie because he was always making everyone laugh.  I remember thinking that I wanted to be like that-- someone who made everyone around him happy.


Upon hearing about his death I was quite saddened.  When I found out it was a suicide, it hurt me.  I don't know what he was going through and I am glad that I don't have to deal with the same pains and sufferings he did.  I view this ending as the greatest tragedy to a life that I admired.  Again, I don't know his whole story, but what I did know I enjoyed.

As I write this next part, I want it to be understood that I personally feel that suicide is never the right path.  It is tragic, selfish, and, if you look at the eternal perspective, it is not a simple way out.  It does have consequences.  That having been said, since Ethne's death I have seen suicide from a different perspective.  Be careful judging someone who chooses this path (Matthew 7).  We don't know what the Lord knows.  While I still know that it is wrong, I also know that God loves us as his children.

After Ethne's death we joined a grievance group that was headed by a man who's boy had committed suicide a few years before.  He talked about suffering with depression that was so strong he had contemplated it himself.  He said that going through that gave him more insight into what his son was going through.

Later on, I met someone who told me about a friend who committed suicide while preparing to go on a mission.  Even though it had happened a little while before, I found myself praying for that family and hoping that they had found strength in the gospel.  I then thought about that boy's situation and prayed for understanding on how God would deal with this situation.  I still don't know, and am very grateful for a Heavenly Father who is both just and merciful who does know, but the following quote did come to my mind:

“The Prophet Joseph Smith declared—and he never taught a more comforting doctrine—that the eternal sealings of faithful parents and the divine promises made to them for valiant service in the Cause of Truth, would save not only themselves, but likewise their posterity. Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to come, they will return. They will have to pay their debt to justice; they will suffer for their sins; and may tread a thorny path; but if it leads them at last, like the penitent Prodigal, to a loving and forgiving father’s heart and home, the painful experience will not have been in vain. Pray for your careless and disobedient children; hold on to them with your faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God” (Orson F. Whitney, in Conference Report, Apr. 1929, 110).

The Atonement is for all of us.  I don't know what the eternal destiny is for Mr. Williams, all I know is that he and his family are in my prayers.  I pray that they may all come to know the truth.  I even pray that Ethne might even have the chance to help guide someone who was influential to me from my youth.  Many of you, if not all of you, prayed for us when we were first suffering our loss.  Take a moment and pray for the Williams family and any others who are suffering losses and affliction.  They need help just like we did.  I testify to you that it is important.  Never in my life have I felt the strength of the prayers of others like I did when Ethne died.  I literally felt that faith carry us for a long time.  Only 2 other times in my life have I felt that and neither of those times were the feelings as overwhelming as then.

To all of the celebrities that we contacted (or at least tried to) we thank you for your talents and that you shared them with us.  A very special that you to those who responded.  We only had one letter that we never heard back from, and for all we know it was because by the time he was able to get back to us they were no longer forwarding the mail from our apartment we left a little over a year ago.  And to Mr. Williams, we pray for you as we say farewell to someone who I still maintain is/was the greatest cartoon voice artist ever!











-Lawrence

Someone IS watching

Creepy, right?

A few weeks ago I came across an article titled "parent like someone is watching."  The writer talked about how many people act differently when someone else might be watching, especially parents.  A mom will yell less, is less likely to spank, and are often more composed when they are in public and a child misbehaves.  I agreed with what she had to say.  At home, when I run out of patience I am liable to yell, but in public I keep my voice down more.  There are days when I can be very patient and don't yell at all, and then there are days when I run out of patience quickly and I find myself yelling more, and yes, even rarely giving a swat on the bottom.  I feel bad about those days.

As I thought about what I had read I came to realize that someone is always watching.  It should seem obvious that the very children we are parenting are always watching, but not so obvious are the children on the other side and Christ-- they are always watching too.  So I should parent that way.  Since I realized this I have tried to be more patient, raise my voice less, read my scriptures, and pray more.  I find that reading my scriptures invites the spirit so I am less inclined to yell, since that drives the spirit away.  I pray more so that I will be able to be more patient, be more inspired in how best to help and discipline my children, and so I can parent more like someone is watching.  I Love my children and want to set a good example for them.  I don't want them to think of me as their mommy who yells all the time or to be afraid of a spanking, I want them to feel love and support, even in the moments that I want to yell.  I'm not anywhere close to perfect, and I still yell sometimes, but it has gotten less and I find that I am happier, Mr. E is happier, and our home is happier since I started trying to parent like someone is watching.

Also, Happy 4 months to Baby J!

By the Voice of my Servants

Today I am grateful for scriptures, both ancient and modern.

I am thankful for ancient prophets who went to great lengths to record their histories for future generations.  I have a hard enough time remembering to write things down in a journal for five minutes, much less having to hammer them into gold or stone.  I am grateful for the men who spent time translating these scriptures into a language I understand and to those who made them available to the general public.  I am thankful for the ability to read and understand these works so I can learn from them.

I am also very thankful for teachings from modern prophets and apostles.  I am thankful for the opportunity I have every six months to hear from them.  I am also thankful for the magazines that come out shortly after with their words printed for me to review in my own time.  I am thankful for the internet that allows me to review their words even after I have lost these magazines and makes it easy for me to search their words for specific topics.







Today we were reading as a family and came across one of my favorite chapters of scripture.  It is in 2 Nephi chapter 4 and is often known as Nephi's lament.  This well-known Book of Mormon prophet shares what he sees are his weaknesses and asks for God to give him strength to overcome them.  A couple verses of this chapter stood out to me as we read:

20. My God hath been my ^asupport; he hath led me through mine ^bafflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.
21. He hath filled me with his ^alove, even unto the ^bconsuming of my flesh.

I enjoy this chapter because we often glorify people in scripture and they can seem more than human, but in this chapter Nephi reminds us that he is human just like we are.  He had his weaknesses just like we do.  And he needs strength from the Lord the same as we do.  These verses spoke so much truth to me this morning as I thought about the last year and a half.  God has been my support and led me through afflictions so great that I could not have gotten through them on my own.  He filed me with his love at times when I needed it more than anything.

I am grateful that we read these verses this morning and I was reminded of the great power of scripture.

Doubt

This last weekend was LDS General Conference.  I tried my best to pay attention to the talks given, but with a busy little boy it was difficult at times.  There were several talks a I really enjoyed and others I really want to revisit when the Ensign comes next month.  One that stood out to me (and I think to many others) was a talk given by President Uchtdorf on Saturday.



He spoke about the many activities and services members of the LDS church participate in and the fact that, despite declining membership and activity in many other churches across the world, the LDS church is continuing to thrive and grow because of what the Church offers.  He went on to encourage current members to continue in the faith.  To serve and do good and to strengthen their faith.  As he spoke the line that stood out to me was the quote seen above, "Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith."

After the accident I was angry and had my doubts.  But with the help of a loving and supportive husband, the love of wonderful family, the smile of my Mr. E, and the hope of an eternal family I held on to my faith and battled with my doubts.  I can testify that this can work.  I attended church, barely there, but I went.  I served in the temple regularly.  I prayed and read scriptures with my family and tried to do the things that I knew I should do.  Eventually my doubts faded and my faith became stronger.  I was more present in my church meetings, temple attendance became more fulfilling and less of an obligation, scripture study and prayer became more personal.  And not only did spiritual matters improve, but personal matters did too-- I was more present with my family, I enjoyed my little boy more and more every day, Lawrence became happier.  Doubt your doubts and faith will grow.

Atonement Talk

As Melissa mentioned a couple of weeks ago, we spoke in church on Easter Sunday.  Afterwards I asked Melissa what she thought about posting our talks on the blog as an Easter message.  She thought that was a good idea and then proceeded to post her talk.  I however have not.  It's easy to make excuses, but I guess it's partially because I'm in front of a computer all day at work and then for school as I am working on a Master's Degree.  So by the time Sunday comes around I am tired of looking at my computer and need a break.  But I do feel a need to post today and will go ahead and post my talk.  The only problem is that when I prepare my talks I just put together a handful of notes, quotes, and stories and then decide what I will use while I am speaking.  With this talk I even came up with a few things that I wasn't planning on saying, so hopefully I will remember it all.

The talk I was given to use was from Elder Packer in the last General Conference (This talk was given the week before General Conference) on the Atonement.  In his talk he stated,

"I speak today to those who may be lost and are searching for that… light to help guide them back.

“It was understood from the beginning that in mortality we would fall short of being perfect. It was not expected that we would live without transgressing one law or another.”

“From the Pearl of Great Price, we understand that “no unclean thing can dwell [in the kingdom of God],” and so a way was provided for all who sin to repent and become worthy of the presence of our Father in Heaven once more.

“A Mediator, a Redeemer, was chosen, one who would live His life perfectly, commit no sin, and offer 'himself a sacrifice for sin, to answer the ends of the law, unto all those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit; and unto none else can the ends of the law be answered.'”

In  Luke 22:41-44 it states,

41 And he was withdrawn from them about a stone’s cast, and kneeled down, and prayed,

42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.

43 And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.

44 And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.

As I read these verses, that Elder Packer also shared, the main them that I feel associated with the Atonement seems to be love.  Elder Packer continues to explain, 

“No matter what our transgressions have been, no matter how much our actions may have hurt others, that guilt can all be wiped out. To me, perhaps the most beautiful phrase in all scripture is when the Lord said, “Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.”

“That is the promise of the gospel of Jesus Christ and the Atonement: to take anyone who comes, anyone who will join, and put them through an experience so that at the end of their life, they can go through the veil having repented of their sins and having been washed clean through the blood of Christ.”

As I was preparing this talk I realized that I really wanted to focus on the Savior's love for us and its association with the Atonement.  Melissa's talk was more focused on the resurrection, while mine will focus more on the forgiveness of sins, but it all stems from love.

As I was contemplating this love, one scripture instantly came to mind, 1 Nephi 11:13-21.  It states,

13 And it came to pass that I looked and beheld the great city of Jerusalem, and also other cities. And I beheld the city of Nazareth; and in the city of Nazareth I beheld a virgin, and she was exceedingly fair and white.

 14 And it came to pass that I saw the heavens open; and an angel came down and stood before me; and he said unto me: Nephi, what beholdest thou?

 15 And I said unto him: A virgin, most beautiful and fair above all other virgins.

 16 And he said unto me: Knowest thou the condescension of God?

 17 And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.

 18 And he said unto me: Behold, the virgin whom thou seest is the mother of the Son of God, after the manner of the flesh.

 19 And it came to pass that I beheld that she was carried away in the Spirit; and after she had been carried away in the Spirit for the space of a time the angel spake unto me, saying: Look!

 20 And I looked and beheld the virgin again, bearing a child in her arms.

 21 And the angel said unto me: Behold the Lamb of God, yea, even the Son of the Eternal Father! Knowest thou the meaning of the tree which thy father saw?

"Knowest thou the condescension of God?"  What an interesting question.  As we read that question, do we ever take time to think about what is being asked?  What is condescension?  If we think about someone who is being condescending we think of them looking down on others.  So the condescension of God would be him lowering himself, but to what?  Elder Bruce R. McConkie gave some insight into this in a devotional he gave to BYU students titled Knowest Thou the Condescension of God.  He stated,

“What, then, is the condescension of God? As I understand the definition of condescension, it is the act of descending to a lower and less dignified state; of waiving the privileges of one’s rank and status; of bestowing honors and favors upon one of lesser stature or status.   

“So if we are going to speak of the condescension of God, meaning that of our Eternal
Father, we must first know the nature and kind of being he is. We must come to know the dignity and majesty and glory that attend him, of the things that he had and is doing for us and for all his children and in all eternity among all his creations.

"When we think of him, we think of the most noble and exalted being there is. Then we read this question, 'Knowest thou the condescension of God?' and discover that somehow it is associated with his love for us, his children, his spirit children who are now dwelling as mortals here on earth. We discover in our text that he shall be the Father of a Son born 'after the manner of the flesh'; that is, he condescends, in his infinite wisdom, to be the Father of a holy being who shall be born into mortality."

Now that we have a better understanding of what the condescension of God is, let's look at how Nephi answered this question.  Now look at verse 22 to find out.

 22 And I answered him, saying: Yea, it is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore, it is the most desirable above all things.

"The love of God." He condescended below all things out of love.  Do we think of how significant that is.  Love brings us the Atonement, Christ suffered because of love, and through our love for him he allows us to partake of the Fruit which is the Atonement and forgiveness.

I would now like to share some examples of love and the Atonement.  People who loved the Savior and allowed his love to take care of them.

The first person is a man I new on my mission, Necho.  Necho lived in a small town and was known by everyone there.  He had a strong reputation for drinking and abusing drugs.  In this town of Benito Juarez, the gospel had made various attempts to grow, but had not been very successful. The missionaries had been there and opened a branch a couple of different times, but the missionaries would eventually be pulled and the branch shut down.  They decided to try again.  Necho's wife had been baptized at some point and was going to church on Sundays after Necho would leave to go play Soccer.  One of his friends saw her and reported to Necho that she was leaving to go be with the Mormons while he was gone, so he forbade her from going to church again.  A couple of weeks later the missionaries went to visit Necho's wife to see what had happened to her.  She explained the situation and the asked her if they could meet Necho.  She told them that it was a bad idea and that he would run them out of town.  They said that they were not worried about it.  Then her parents told them that he would run them out of town, but this did not stop the missionaries.  The day came when they met Necho.  Necho admitted that he was ready to run them out of town, but for some reason he sat there and listened to what they had to say.  Eventually they would teach him about the Word of Wisdom.  He said that from that point he dropped all of the drugs and vices he had in his life.  The only thing that happened from that point was he found himself suffering from such withdrawals that he stole a canister of coffee, which he never used and eventually went back to the store to reconcile. 

Once he allowed the Atonement take affect into his life, and felt the love of the Savior he fully dedicated his life to the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Everywhere we went in the town people were aware of his transformation to sobriety, he was always introducing us to people that he had been talking to about the gospel, at any moment either he or his wife would drop what they were doing and go with the missionaries to teach.  As a family they felt the love of the Atonement in their lives.

The next example I want to share comes from the life of president Spencer W. Kimball.  The story was told by the former presiding bishop, Vaugh J. Featherstone.  To summarize the story, he talked about a couple that came in from CA to talk with Bro. Featherstone.  He had just taught that every major transgression must be confessed in conference, the couple was there to confess.  43 Years prior they had committed fornication once before getting married.  The bishop and stake president knew them, so they signed their recommends without asking any questions.  They were sealed in the temple, and on their honeymoon they determined to give every particle of their lives to serve and repent.  They did all they were asked and then some, they didn’t even go to the temple for a year as part of their repentance.  They both served in leadership callings, they felt that they had repented, but that they still needed to confess.  Usually they are referred to the bishop, but this time an exception was made by Bishop Fetaherstone.  He called Pres. Kimball and explained the situation and asked if he could just close this for the couple through his common judgeship.  At that point Pres. Kimball asked to see them.  You can imagine what was going through everyone's mind at that point.  They went to his office and he visited with them sweetly and then asked the man “have you suffered equal to the transgression?”
The man responded “We think we have suffered many times more.”
“Have you prayed for forgiveness?”
“We haven’t offered a prayer in 43 where we haven’t asked for forgiveness”
“Can I have a prayer with you?”
They agreed to Pres. Kimball's request.  The main thing Bishop Featherstone remembered about the prayer was that it started with, “Heavenly Father, we love thee.”
Now I must add something else that Bishop Featherstone taught about the prophet.  He reminded the students that the prophet is the only person on the earth who can forgive sins on behalf of the Lord – all others judges in Israel forgive for the church.
At that point he went to the husband, shook his hand and told him to forgive himself and his wife and never think about it again, “You are forgiven.”  He then went to the wife and told her  the same thing.

These experiences came from love.

In 1 Cor.  6:20 it states,

 20 For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.

Because we were bought with a price through the Atonement we are able to feel the Saviors love in our lives.  Not only does his love provide us with security and forgiveness when we make a mistake, but his love also prepares us for the future.  Melissa told you about the accident and that we lost our little girl, now I will talk about how the Saviors love prepared me for what was about to happen.  Understand that you can never be fully prepared for an experience of this magnitude, but everything that could have been done to prepare me was.

About a year before the accident I felt a very strong prompting that I needed to spend more time in the Temple.  I talked to Melissa about it and decided to talk to the bishop about volunteering in the temple.  We filled out some paperwork, and I was soon called to serve as an ordinance worker.  I was thrilled to serve in the temple.  I was able to go to the temple almost every week for just under a year.  Then my work situation changed I had to ask to be released.  While there, I discovered multiple podcasts that were released by the church, many of them through BYU.  These podcasts allowed me to learn concepts and principles of the gospel and to learn and grow in the way that I needed to in order to be there for my family after the accident.

While serving in the temple, I was able to feel the presence of others beyond the veil as I served them.  This has been important to me as I have continued to go to the temple to not only feel close to those who are receiving the ordinances of the gospel, but to feel closer to my little girl and the work she is doing as well.

God's love prepares us for the trials we will face, as long as we are listening to what we need to do in order to prepare for those challenges.

Before closing, I wanted to share a new tradition in my family that we decided to start this year.  Every year in our family, at Christmas time, we read Luke 2 and watch Mr. Kruger's Christmas.  I realized the other day that we don't read anything special for Easter.  The problem is that the story of the death and resurrection of the Savior is told differently in each gospel and they all have important elements.  How could I combine them so that they could be included into one story.  Then I found a talk by President James E. Faust, it was given at BYU as a devotional right after he was called as an Apostle.  I thought about reading it here to all of you, but there is not enough time.  Instead I would just encourage all of you to find this talk, or share a similar tradition with your family every year.

I am so grateful for the Atonement and the love of the Savior.  I know that through his love we can grow and be forgiven.  Through his love we can also be prepared for trials that are coming our way.  He loves us and wants us to be forgiven and return with him.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Counting

Sunday's lesson in Relief Society was on Faithfulness in times of Trial (you can click the link to read it).

I will be honest, for a little while there, I struggled.  I went to church every Sunday.  I was praying and reading scriptures with my family.  I was going to the temple.  But I was angry, hurt, filled with guilt, and depressed.  Going to church, seeing all those happy families-- many with their little girls Ethne's age (and other children)-- was hard and sometimes made me even more angry (which lead to more guilt, more depression...).  Lawrence, at one point, said he felt like he was dragging me, and to a certain extent he was.  I'm not sure exactly when or how it happened, but the anger started to go away.  I was (and am) still sad.  I still feel guilt sometimes.  But once the anger started to go away things started to get better.  Maybe it had something to do with getting past that first year, maybe it had to do with the verbal smack from Lawrence telling me that I needed to do something different, maybe it had to do with the realization (after the smacking) that a lot of the anger I was feeling was probably coming from Satan.  Once I realized that I knew I had to fight it because I won't get to be with my Princess again if I let Satan into my heart, maybe it was something Lawrence said to me after a visit to the temple not long ago, or maybe it is a combination of all these.  Either way, I'm glad it has mostly gone.  It makes for a happier me, a happier Lawrence, and a happier home.

I suppose in some ways I was faithful in that time of this trial (I don't believe that this trial will ever really end until I get to see Ethne again).  I was doing a lot of the things we are counseled to do, but I was just going through the motions.  I wasn't really listening to the talks and lessons in church.  I wasn't really paying much attention to the scriptures I was reading.  I was a bump on a log.  I'm not entirely sure I would consider this real faithfulness.

I feel like I am getting better.  I have started more consistent personal scripture study and prayer.  I am paying attention and participating in church.  I have more of a desire to attend the temple.  I feel lighter. I feel more like myself.

The closing song was Count Your Blessings.  So many things have taken on new or more meaning now.

When upon life's billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings; name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings; ev'ry doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you his wealth untold.
Count your many blessings; money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven nor your home on high.

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged; God is over all.
Count your many blessings; angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

[Chorus]
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your blessings;
See what God hath done.
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your many blessings;
See what God hath done.

Since the accident I have been discouraged, thought all was lost, and felt burdened with a load of care.  The cross I have been called to bear has seemed unbearably heavy.  I have looked at others, not necessarily with their lands and gold, but with their little Princesses that are happy, healthy, and alive and felt that hole in my life.  But I am learning to count my blessings more often.  I have been thinking of the wealth untold and the home on high I have been promised and I am working hard to obtain it.  Despite an incredibly great loss I am so blessed with a rambunctious and adorable little boy, a loving and hardworking husband, amazing and supportive family and in-laws, countless talents, a beautiful home, and an angel princess (just to name a few.  Count your many blessings and I promise it will bring you help and comfort to see what God has done in your life.