Angelversary 3

I have this problem, I think that it is a problem I have always had to some extent, but it has gotten worse since the accident.  My problem is that I tend to live in the now.  Some may not think that is a problem, but when it comes to planning ahead it really is.  I tend to ignore dates and times and just take life one day at a time, not really thinking ahead and often not planning ahead for events and milestones like birthdays, anniversaries, etc.  Since the accident it has been worse.  This is in part due to the haze that I have been living in, too depressed to really acknowledge much, but also because I put in somewhat of an extra effort into avoiding thinking about certain days that roll around each year.  The day I most try to avoid thinking about is, of course, February 6.

No matter how I try to avoid it, the day comes, every year.  And this year marks Ethne's third angelversary.  She has now had more angelversaries than she had birthdays.  And it isn't fair.  It isn't fair that every November 11 we visit a cemetery instead of hosting a party for a happy little girl.  It isn't fair that every February 6 I am reminded of the worst day(s) of my life.  It isn't fair that, instead of getting to watch my Princess grow and learn each year she is invisibly watching over me.  It isn't fair that twice a year, every year, I basically start the grief cycle over again, denying that these days will come without Ethne here, I get angry with myself for avoiding thinking about it and not planning anything, I try to get out of the day even happening by considering just sleeping right through it, I cry and cry, then I finally come up with something to do, some way to mark these days that I try to avoid.  These two days, almost exactly 9 months apart have become the two most anticipated days of my year, and not in a good way.