Counting

Sunday's lesson in Relief Society was on Faithfulness in times of Trial (you can click the link to read it).

I will be honest, for a little while there, I struggled.  I went to church every Sunday.  I was praying and reading scriptures with my family.  I was going to the temple.  But I was angry, hurt, filled with guilt, and depressed.  Going to church, seeing all those happy families-- many with their little girls Ethne's age (and other children)-- was hard and sometimes made me even more angry (which lead to more guilt, more depression...).  Lawrence, at one point, said he felt like he was dragging me, and to a certain extent he was.  I'm not sure exactly when or how it happened, but the anger started to go away.  I was (and am) still sad.  I still feel guilt sometimes.  But once the anger started to go away things started to get better.  Maybe it had something to do with getting past that first year, maybe it had to do with the verbal smack from Lawrence telling me that I needed to do something different, maybe it had to do with the realization (after the smacking) that a lot of the anger I was feeling was probably coming from Satan.  Once I realized that I knew I had to fight it because I won't get to be with my Princess again if I let Satan into my heart, maybe it was something Lawrence said to me after a visit to the temple not long ago, or maybe it is a combination of all these.  Either way, I'm glad it has mostly gone.  It makes for a happier me, a happier Lawrence, and a happier home.

I suppose in some ways I was faithful in that time of this trial (I don't believe that this trial will ever really end until I get to see Ethne again).  I was doing a lot of the things we are counseled to do, but I was just going through the motions.  I wasn't really listening to the talks and lessons in church.  I wasn't really paying much attention to the scriptures I was reading.  I was a bump on a log.  I'm not entirely sure I would consider this real faithfulness.

I feel like I am getting better.  I have started more consistent personal scripture study and prayer.  I am paying attention and participating in church.  I have more of a desire to attend the temple.  I feel lighter. I feel more like myself.

The closing song was Count Your Blessings.  So many things have taken on new or more meaning now.

When upon life's billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings; name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings; ev'ry doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you his wealth untold.
Count your many blessings; money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven nor your home on high.

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged; God is over all.
Count your many blessings; angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

[Chorus]
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your blessings;
See what God hath done.
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your many blessings;
See what God hath done.

Since the accident I have been discouraged, thought all was lost, and felt burdened with a load of care.  The cross I have been called to bear has seemed unbearably heavy.  I have looked at others, not necessarily with their lands and gold, but with their little Princesses that are happy, healthy, and alive and felt that hole in my life.  But I am learning to count my blessings more often.  I have been thinking of the wealth untold and the home on high I have been promised and I am working hard to obtain it.  Despite an incredibly great loss I am so blessed with a rambunctious and adorable little boy, a loving and hardworking husband, amazing and supportive family and in-laws, countless talents, a beautiful home, and an angel princess (just to name a few.  Count your many blessings and I promise it will bring you help and comfort to see what God has done in your life.