Angry

I feel a lot like people who talk about grief gloss over this subject.  Anger is ugly and people don't like to talk about ugly.  People want to talk about pretty, about the blessings, the tender mercies, the lessons learned.  But when you are experiencing grief and feeling that ugly anger you need to know that it is normal, that there is nothing wrong with feeling that way.  You need someone to talk about the ugly, you need to see it in action in someone else so that you know that you can get past it.  So, while anger is ugly, and not really fun to talk about, I'm going to talk about it.  But before I talk about it I am going to give you a little disclaimer:  the things I am about to share here are part of my grief.  They are not intended to make anyone feel bad, they are not permanent feelings, and they are in no way anyone's fault.  I only share them to help myself and to maybe help someone else.  So I will apologize in advance if anything I am about to share upsets anyone, makes anyone feel bad, or causes any other negative feelings, I don't mean them to.

The first person I was angry with didn't deserve my anger.  None of this was his fault, and there really was nothing he could have done.  He was hurting just as much as me and I was so angry with him for not doing things that I thought he should have done.  I think he knew I was angry with him before I did.  For a long time I tried not to be angry, I tried to bury it and pretend that everything was okay.  And, even though I was angry with him, I needed him (still do) more than ever.  I finally came to terms with my anger and told him.  He apologized for things that were out of his control.  He was strong for me when I needed him to be. He held me as I cried, he held me as I placed a new weight on his shoulders, a weight that shouldn't have been his to bare.  He cried with me, and he forgave me for my anger-- and in that instant I forgave him too.  I had to because I needed him and I wanted to because he didn't deserve my anger.

I was also angry with myself, still am sometimes.  Angry that I couldn't remember the accident, angry that I wasn't there for my kids when they were hurt and confused.  Angry that I maybe missed something that could have prevented the accident.  Angry that I survived.  But there was little I could do about much of this anger.  I think I have slowly been able to forgive myself of some of this, but not all.

I was also angry with God.  I was so angry that I stopped doing a lot of things that I should have been doing.  I was angry that he didn't save my little girl, angry that he didn't prompt me to do something differently, so angry.  I've come to terms here also.  I've learned that this happened for a reason and that being angry with God gets me nowhere but misery.  Being angry with God distanced me from my family and I didn't want that.

Then comes the anger that sneaks up on me out of nowhere.  I get angry at other moms of little girls Ethne's age, angry that they have their princess and I don't.  I even get angry at little boys her age sometimes too.  And I realize that it's not their fault, but I just can't help it.  I think one of the worst is my little brother.  He came into our family so badly abused that he really could have died, but he lived, and still lives.  And it's not his fault, but sometimes it's so hard to be around him.  And I got angry at the doctors at the hospital once, because I read about another mommy who was in a car accident who got to say goodbye to her baby before he died, even while she was in the ICU.  There were the people who, while well-meaning, would try to comfort me in various ways and just ended up making me mad (this still happens too).  The list goes on and on.

At first I felt really guilty for these angry feelings.  I felt so guilty for being angry that I buried it and tried to pretend it wasn't there, but that just made it worse.  It was harder to be around other people, it was hard to look at myself in the mirror, it was hard to go to church, it was harder and harder to see my brother.  I still experience feelings of anger, but I've learned to quickly turn away from most of them.  I had to realize that this was anger brought on by my grief and most people are just genuinely trying their best to help me or are just going about their day with no knowledge that there's anything wrong.

So my advice, which is worth what you pay for it, is to try to be sensitive about things that may be making a grieving person angry.  Try to see things from their point of view.  Maybe they don't need you to remind them that their child or loved one is missing an event or milestone.  Maybe they need a moment to recoup from seeing you with your child (for example).  Maybe they just need you to leave them alone sometimes.  And maybe they just need someone to listen to them vent, without saying a word.  Just understand that a grieving person may get mad at you for no apparent reason and it may not necessarily be your fault.  Let them come to you when it happens, don't badger because that may make them more angry.  Just be patient, that really all you can do.  Also, keep in mind that people also display anger in different ways-- for example, I have a tendency to either cry or hold it in until I explode and dump everything on one person.  And remember that sometimes...