Okay, Mommy?

Before the accident any time I would get upset, cry, or yell at other drivers, inanimate objects, etc. Ethne would ask "Mommy, you okay?"  To which I would usually reply "yes."  I miss her sweet inquiry.

I had been having a rough few days and the other night I just needed some cuddle time with my baby.  So I went into LM's room while he slept. scooped him into my arms, wrapped him in his blanket, and sat in the rocking chair with my little boy in my arms.  I started crying.  It reminded me so much of the last time I held Ethne's body, except that he was breathing softly.  As I held him and I cried he stirred, looked at me with his sleepy eyes and said "Mommy, okay, mommy?"  To which I cried even harder as I kissed his sweet face, told him that I was (not), and he drifted back to sleep.  I cried and held him a while longer as I cried, and kissed his face and head, breathed in the smell of him, and cried some more.  And he cuddled with me and breathed deeply, and was so very alive in my arms.  As I laid him back in his bed I tucked him in and kissed him some more as I tried to tell him how very much I love him.  And in his sweet, sleepy voice he whispered "love you too" before he rolled over and put his arm around his stuffed puppy.

What I wouldn't give for a moment like that with Ethne.  To hold her and feel her breathing again.  To hear her sweetly ask me if I'm ok, and to honestly tell her that I am.  To kiss her sweet face, smell her sweet smell, and tell her how so very much she is loved and to hear her tell me that she loves me too.