My Confession

The first thing I remember after the accident is waking up with a tube down my throat and looking for Lawrence.  I hurt everywhere, but I distinctly remember feeling the pull of the staples and bandages running vertically from my sternum to my pubic bone.  Fear flashed through me as I thought of a friend who went in for a surgery and came out unable to have children.  I asked, with some signs, if I could still have babies, which Lawrence misunderstood.  I soon was back asleep.  Some time later my mom was there and Lawrence told her about my question, she understood and told me that, provided everything healed properly, I should be able to have more children.  I was relieved, a tiny ray of sunshine on my otherwise darkest day.

Seemingly endless doctor appointments followed, at which I inquired about pregnancy and childbirth in my future.  Doctors all gave me thumbs up, in time.

But I wasn't so sure I could do it emotionally.  This is my confession.  Shortly after the accident Lawrence and I attended a grief group for parents who had lost children.  Some of the parents were older and their children were also older, but there were a few others who had lost younger children.  I have also made some connections with other angel mommies, and learned about their reactions regarding more children, following their loss.  I was surprised to hear that many wanted to have more children right away, even some that had previously thought they were done.  I just couldn't wrap my head (and my heart) around it.  I was so afraid of losing another child.  I knew that I would not be able to cope with the emotions of such a great loss again.  I felt that even a miscarriage would push me over the edge.  And I didn't want to do that to Lawrence or to Edward, it wasn't fair.

I kept this my little secret for a time.  But I knew I would have to discuss it with Lawrence at some point.  So I eventually did.  I cried as I poured my heart out to him about this and about other things.  And he held me and listened, and maybe cried a little too.  We talked about how guilty this made me feel, about what it would do to me if we lost another child, and about other concerns, and we kind of left it at that.

Not too long later I spotted a note in Lawrence's iPod noting that this issue wasn't really over, I knew it wasn't.  So we talked again.  And slowly, I started to come around.  I began to realize that the Lord knows what I can handle, and that another loss would put me over the edge.  I started to realize that I was being selfish, only thinking of myself and not about Lawrence, Edward, or any other children that might be waiting to join our family.  I changed my mind.

Now you may wonder why I'm baring my deep, dark secret to the world.  Why I am confessing.  In part, I am sharing this so others who may face this same struggle know that they are not alone.  When I met all these other angel mommies that just wanted another child as soon as possible I felt so alone in my fears, like maybe there was something wrong with me.  I don't want someone else to feel that way.  Also, I am sharing because...

Edward is going to be a big brother!  Dec. 31, 2013.  See, I did come around.