Yesterday

"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday."  (The Beatles)

Yesterday was a long day for me.  I tried to pretend it wouldn't happen.  Maybe if I didn't think about it it would just go away (see, there's that denial again).  People asked me what I wanted to do, if we had any plans, how i was going to handle it, etc.  The only thing I knew was that I didn't want it to happen. Part of me wanted to stay in bed all day, possible in a Xanax-induced stupor, but I knew that wasn't really an option.  So, instead, I kept busy.  If I was busy I didn't really have time to think about it, right?  I worked on bracelets and tie tacks, I played with my little man, I read, I avoided the internet, I tried not to think.  But before too long I couldn't ignore it any more.  We bought flowers, we cried, we visited the cemetery.  My sweet husband sped past cement trucks when I hyperventilated, hugged me when I cried, gave me space when I needed space, and didn't ask me to cook dinner.

Everyone says that we've now survived the hardest year of our lives.  I sure hope they're right.  WHile I was reading my scriptures yesterday I couldn't help but think that the chapters I was reading were meant for me to read yesterday.  In the Book of Mormon I was reading in Mosiah chapters 3 and 4:

3:16 And even if it were possible that little ^achildren could sin they could not be saved; but I say unto you they are ^bblessed; for behold, as in Adam, or by nature, they fall, even so the blood of Christ ^catoneth for their sins.

and 3:18 "...and the infant perisheth not that dieth in his infancy;.."

I needed that yesterday.  Things that I have heard so many times, but somehow have been made more poignant this past year.  I've learned a lot about myself, about my family, about my husband, and about my Savior.

Some final thoughts:

"President Joseph F. Smith [said]: 'I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separate from them. … We can not forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we can not break. … If this is the case with us in our finite condition, surrounded by our mortal weaknesses, … how much more certain it is … to believe that those who have been faithful, who have gone beyond … can see us better than we can see them; that they know us better than we know them. … We live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever. For now they see the dangers that beset us; … their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves.'”

"Relationships can be strengthened through the veil with people we know and love. That is done by our determined effort to continually do what is right. We can strengthen our relationship with the departed individual we love by recognizing that the separation is temporary and that covenants made in the temple are eternal."  -- Elder Scott

I am so thankful that I waited for the right man at the right time and that we married in the temple for time and for all eternity.  I am so thankful that this covenant applies not only to my sweetheart and best friend, but to my beautiful children.  I am so thankful for my understanding husband who has been, and will continue to be, so patient with me.  I am thankful for my beautiful angle and my busy little boy, and for any other children I may be blessed with.  I am thankful for amazing family and friends who love, support, and pray for my family.  And last, but most certainly not least, I am so thankful for a loving Father in Heaven and older brother, Jesus Christ, who make it possible for me to have my family for all eternity.