Denial

1.  refusal to satisfy a request or desire  2.  a (1) : refusal to admit the truth or reality (as of a statement or charge) (2) : assertion that an allegation is false . b : refusal to acknowledge a person or a thing : disavowal  3: the opposing by the defendant of an allegation of the opposite party in a lawsuit

4: self-denial  5: negation in logic  6: a psychological defense mechanism in which confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the existence of the problem or reality (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/denial)

To a certain extent I think part of me is still here.  Right after I woke up I knew something was horribly wrong.  After asking about my kids (and knowing in the back of my mind what it really was) I quickly remembered a friend who went in for a surgery and come out having lost her ability to have children, so I asked if I could still have babies.  I was denying what I knew.  The whole time I was at the hospital I didn't want to think about it.  I didn't want to plan a funeral, I just wanted them to let my little girl in.  I wanted-- needed to see her, but I couldn't.  I was tied to a bed for the better part of three days, and then I couldn't move well enough, plus they sent her away.  I felt robbed, that I didn't get to see her before Shawn took her.  And because I didn't see her I refused to believe them.  I remember a few days after I was released from the hospital I was sitting at my parents' kitchen table and I just lost it.  I had been denying other things, not just that Ethne was gone.  I was trying so hard to be strong and not cry in front of anyone.  I was pretending I wasn't angry or upset, but I couldn't do it any more.  I woke up every day for months thinking that everything had been the worst nightmare ever and that my little girl would climb into my bed and ask for her "minions," "puppies," or "candace."  But she never came.

Then there were the dreams.  A few times I would dream that there had been a mistake.  Someone had gotten her mixed up with another little girl and she was alive and well, or a caring family member had misguidedly thought I'd need some time to recover and they would bring her back when I was ready. There was a very happy reunion and I got my princess back.  But then I'd wake up and be faced with reality, and I'd cling to the hope that dream would give me.

For a long time I ignored time.  I tried my best to let it pass without me paying it much attention.  If I knew the date, the day, the month, it made it more real.  The closer Ethne's birthday came to deeper I sunk into this hole of denial.  I didn't want to know and if I didn't know it wouldn't come.

I also want to point out that I wasn't only mourning the loss of my little girl.  My body wasn't (still isn't) the same.  In that same instant I lost much of my mobility and gained several new scars.  I knew, after hearing my laundry list of injuries, that I would probably have neck and back problems for the rest of my life, I didn't really think about the aches and pains that would come from the broken ribs and pelvis (which flare up occasionally).  I was, however highly concerned about my "frankenbelly" (the huge scar that runs from my sternum to my pelvis), it makes me very self-concious to this day.  Unfortunately I wasn't really given much of a chance to deny any of this as it was rather obvious from the get go-- but I tried to convince myself that, once I was through physical therapy and all healed, everything would be back to normal, and it most definitely is not.

I tried not to show what I was doing, the things I was ignoring, but I think some people could tell.  They tried to be kind, to not force me into waking up and acknowledging my denial.  And I think that's probably the best thing you can do.  Allow the grieving person some time.  The brain (and heart) need some time to cope and denial is one way that can be allowed to happen.  Don't force them into acceptance, that will just make the person angrier and possibly hinder the grieving process.  Grieving a loss of any kind is hard enough to cope with without other people trying to force you into realizations and emotions you are not ready for.  Just be there, be understanding, and don't force a person to face reality before they are ready.  This can be different for everyone, but it is fairly safe to say that if a person is still deep in denial after more than a year, they probably need some professional help.

-Melissa

pictures courtesy of Valery Bunnel