The hardest part

Through the last few months I have faced a lot of challenges.  A hard neck brace is not comfortable, it's difficult to sleep in, and loosing mobility of your neck is really a challenge-- you just don't realize how much you use it until you can't any more.  Being unable to multi-task is a little annoying.  Walking with a cane, and moving slowly is sometimes inconvenient.  Being unable to do many household chores is frustrating.  Not being able to go to work and see my students progressing and learning is sometimes disheartening.  Having to spend my days with a "babysitter" is frustrating being that I am 25-years-old and have lost a lot of my independence.  Losing my little girl is heartbreaking and I miss her every second of every day.  But the hardest part of all of this has been not being able to just pick up my little man any time I want to.  Not being able to run to him and scoop him up when he's crying.  Not being able to give him a bath by myself.  Not being able to put him to bed or get up with him at night.

It is the hardest thing to watch someone else (even Lawrence) comforting my crying baby when he's hurt or upset.  It is awful to have him stand at my feet with his little arms outstretched and not be able to pick him up.  It is so heartbreaking to hear him crying in the other room and know that there's not a thing I can do to help him feel better, and that I just have to let someone else take care of him.  That is the hardest thing.  So all you mommy's out there love on your babies (and other kids) a little more for me.  Cherish the fact that you can just pick up your baby without thinking about it.  Enjoy those long, sleepless nights.  Because you never know when it may be taken away from you, whether it be temporary or permanent.  Because no matter the cause or the length of time, you will miss it.  I can't wait for the day when my doctors clear me and tell me that I can pick up my little boy again.  On that day I will pick him up and love him and hold him just as much as he will let me-- and I will continue to pick him up and hold him until he gets too big for me to do it.  I can't wait for that day when I can pick up my little man again.